Beautiful Boy

seven

The next day, I walked to school like I usually did, and these clingy thoughts just kept running through my mind.

What should I do if I see him today?

Should I say hi first?

Will he ignore me like other boys do with other girls?

How do I talk to him?

Should I make eye contact?

Back then, I didn't really realise that I was beginning to have a crush. No, I'd say that I was deep into it.

I never really felt that nervous before.

Before I met him, the most nervous I ever felt was when there was someone attractive near me, or when I had to talk to a large group of strangers.

I came to school, entering my classroom after releasing a deep breath, prepared to face him inside.

Okay, you can do this.

You'll be fine.

You won't get scared and run away.

To my surprise, he hadn't come yet.

I think I felt disappointed that day and didn't even realise it.

"YOU FINALLY CAME!"

I flinched, not expecting to hear screams that early in the morning.

"Ugh, what the fuck do you want?"

Homework boy just smiled, and put the usual pleading face.

"I really need to finish-"

"No. I'm not giving my assignment to you."

"Huh?! Why? Please, please, please. I just need to check yours with mine and then I'll give it back. I won't copy, I promise."

I stared at him, dumbfounded.

"Did you. . . actually complete your homework?" I gasped, walking to my seat and placing my bag on the ground, "hey, it might actually rain today!"

"Oh fuck you. I finished it and I just want to check you know. So please, please, please show me your homework."

I eyed him with suspicion, scanning his features.

He looked sincere, but he was hiding something.

I was sure of it.

"Okay, sure. Take it."

"Thank you."

"But if you copy anything-"

"I won't, I won't."

I let out a sigh, staring outside the window.

Why is my heart beating so fast?

Why am I so nervous?

He's just a boy I barely met.

At that time, I thought that it was normal for me to be flustered around people I found attractive. And it was normal. I got shy really easily, and would fumble and mess up with my words.

My mind became instantly blank when I saw him coming through the door.

He came in as usual, smiling and waving a hi at everyone, and he gave me a nod, like he was greeting me.

A nod, huh.

That's a start.

I was relieved because I didn't need to say hi first. But I knew that I wanted to be able to greet him like it's nothing. Casually, as if we were close to one another.

What am I thinking? I barely know him.

I knew that it wasn't love which I was feeling.

But then again, I didn't know how romantic love felt either.

Most stories start off with tons of flirting and chemistry, or a slow burn where characters just end up slowly opening up to each other.

But this wasn't like that.

I thought about it.

What was this anyway?

Were we friends or not?

Could I talk to him freely, without any awkwardness?

That day, we didn't talk to each other at all, much to my disappointment. We said hi to each other, and we greeted each other but it didn't go further than that.

I felt really sad about it, but I thought it was better that way.

It was better than being a gushy mess in front of him.

I was a romantic, naive, and yet so hopeful. Scared and yet, wanting to go deeper.

That day, I walked back home, thinking about everything that happened the previous day.

At that moment, I could feel my disappointment just reducing a little bit.

Just a little.