Do or Die (Jackal Squad Oneshots)

Amara's Diary

Author's Note: Any dialogue represented in parenthesis are not Author's Notes but rather dialogue and prose from this story.

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Clawzie disappeared recently. So did Reznor. Once again, my caretakers have left. This isn't the first time and I have little reason to believe that it will be the last.

Mother. Her midwife. The scattered gangs that I stumbled across as a young pup. Now Clawzie and Reznor.

It seems that everyone in my life is destined to leave me. It's just a matter of time before I am alone again.

Maybe this is my purpose as a lust-born child of wanderers, to be alone forever.

Even if I am doomed to eternal loneliness, I want to cling to the ones I still have now, to feel love for as long as I can...

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**September 3rd**

He caught me today. I still feel the fear in me as I write this. I shuttered cold inside as I heard his words, with demanding concern.

He asked me what I was doing.

That was it. The moment I had to tell him everything.

That would be the moment that made him abandon me, just like all the other gang leaders that have found this out.

I stuck myself with the needle in my paw, as if that would cover my tracks. The prick from the needle as well as my shame caused my ears to press down, tears welling in my eyes as I pushed the contents of the needle into my small body. I pulled the needle out of my shoulder, but I could not set it down.

His steps grew closer; I trembled. I heard his voice again, his paw pulling the needle from mine. Again, he asked me what I was doing. I felt his eyes burning into me as I stood shaking.

I couldn't answer him, I broke as tears rolled down my face, accompanied by soft sobs; ashamed.

I felt him look down, watching him notice all the drugs I had stashed below.

His eyes grew wide and he seemed to stumble.

He asked me if I was a drug addict, I had to answer truly, both to him and myself...

Yes.

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**October 1st**

I feel so sick. These withdrawals are more than I think I can bear. My heart is racing, I can't keep anything down and I'm so dizzy. My vision turns to black often, but at intervals so random that it terrifies me.

The only thing constant is him... Infinite.

Ever since he caught me red-handed, he hasn't left my side. Even when I look like I'm on the verge of death and that there's nothing he can do to save me, he stays beside me.

I think he's the reason that I'm not dead yet. It feels like he's taken some of my withdrawal symptoms onto his own shoulders so that it's easier on me. I know that's not possible, but it feels so true. He whispers in my ear, telling me what a strong girl I am, pressing a cloth to my mouth so that I can drink in small amounts. He told me he's been doing it that way so my body won't reject the fluids.

I shudder, wondering how much longer my body can take this. All my life, I had been told that the drug was my lifeline, since I had been addicted pretty much since my mother got pregnant with me.