Chased by the One I Stopped Chasing

Take Me Back

I shut the door tight and dragged myself quickly to my room. I buried my face in my pillows and touched my chest.

Ang sakit-sakit pa rin. Bakit ang sakit pa rin? Ilang buwan na ang lumipas 'di ba? Lumayo na ako eh, dapat nakalimot na ako! Bakit ayaw pa rin akong hayaang makalimot sa kaniya?

Hindi pa ba sapat na ilang taon akong nagpakatanga kahahabol sa kaniya? Hindi pa ba sapat na ilang ulit niya akong ipinagtabuyan noon at ikinaila sa mata ng maraming tao? Hindi pa ba sapat ang kahihiyang natamasa ko noong pinagtatawanan niya lang ako sa tuwing sasabihin kong mahal ko pa rin siya pagkatapos niyang tanggihan ako?

I can still clearly remember the very first time I confessed my feelings to him.

We were batchmates in Grade 9. Since that was the Heart's Day, the student council created a radio program that will cater song requests, shoutouts and love confessions from students. Katuwaan lang naman iyon para sa lahat, pero ginamit ko iyon bilang seryosong oportunidad para maipahatid kay Fray ang nararamdaman ko.

And I was brave enough to include my initials in the letter. I thought that it was only right to tell him who I am, what's the point of confessing if I'd remain anonymous, right?

Halos lumabas ang puso ko sa aking katawan sa sobrang pagwawala nang makita siyang lumalapit sa akin sa classroom.

Tumayo siya sa harap ko at ngumiti. Kahit na kabado ay pilit rin akong ngumiti.

"Hi!" I greeted first.

His eyebrows raised in surprise at my boldness. Isang beses siyang tumikhim bago nagsalita.

"You were the one who wrote the lengthy confession, right? X.A.V.?"

Xeniah Astrid Villareal. Right. That's me.

I swiped my bottom lip with my tongue and nodded in response.

"Don't do that again. You're just wasting your time. I don't like you."

Napakurap-kurap ako nang ilang sandali sa gulat. Mabilis ring dumapo ang kahihiyan at lungkot sa akin.

Ang sakit palang mareject, nakakababa ng kumpiyansa sa sarili. Pero mabait pa rin naman si Fray 'di ba? Kasi hindi niya ako pinahiya sa harap ng mga tao? Personal niyang sinabi sa akin para maliwanagan ako. Mabait pala siya. Parang lalo ko tuloy siya nagustuhan.

Nabasag ang puso ko, pero dahan-dahan ko iyong pinulot para ayusin bago sumagot.

"Hindi mo pa nga ako kilala, sinasarado mo na yung posibilidad na magustuhan mo ako."

His eyes dilated in shock. His reaction earned the smirk that formed on my lips.

"Let's be friends first. I am X.A.V., Xeniah Astrid Villareal, Astrid for short. And I'm not gonna play innocent anymore. You already heard my confession. I like you, Fray Castellano."

I held out my hand and he just stared at it. My cheeks blushed profusely at the thought that he's rejecting my friendship offer, too. Ibababa ko na sana ang kamay ko nang tinanggap niya iyon kasama ang nakakalokong ngisi.

Mag-aanim na taon na ang nakalipas mula nang aminin ko iyon sa kaniya. I knew that it was dangerous to offer him friendship after confessing that I like him more than that. Some people say that he might take advantage of it, but I shunned the idea out of my mind. I trusted him and loved him deeper, and look where I am now?

Bakit ba kasi napakatanga ng puso? Hindi matuto-tuto kahit ilang ulit mong pangaralan?

I let my feelings dominate me, wala rin naman akong magagawa eh. Hearts can't be controlled, no matter how hard we try. I ended up crying myself to sleep.

It's the first day of the second semester on my third year in college. Wearing my uniform, which consists of a pleated skirt, a white longsleeved blouse, a pair of knee socks and black shoes, I headed straight to the kitchen to grab some breakfast.

It's just 7:18 in the morning and my first class starts at 9 a.m. Even if I slow everything down, I know that I'd arrive at school on time.

Isinalin ko ang gatas pagkatapos ng cereals at umupo na sa stool. Nicheck ko ang email ko habang kumakain nang marinig ang katok sa pinto ko.

I emptied my glass of water first before I opened my door. I raised a brow and smiled when my neighbor greeted me good morning.

"Ano iyon, Ate?"

Alam ko namang may sadya siya, dahil hindi naman kami masyadong malapit sa isa't isa, kahit na magkatabi lang naman ang bahay namin.

"May lalaki kasi doon sa swing..." Agarang lumipad ang paningin ko sa swing malapit sa garden. "Kagabi pa siya riyan, hindi pa raw kayo tapos mag-usap, kaya iniwan ko. Pagkagising ko, nakita kong nakapikit at mukhang walang tulog. Sabi ko, katukin ang apartment mo, pero tumanggi at doon na lang raw siya maghihintay."

Parang paulit-ulit na pinipiga ang puso ko habang pinapalo ang ulo ko habang pinakikinggan ang kuwento ng kapit-bahay ko.

"S-sige, Ate. Salamat sa pasabi." Halos matulak ko na siya sa paglabas sa kamamadali.

Mabigat ang bawat hakbang ko patungo sa duyan. Sa sobrang galit ko ay mabilis na naipon ang luha sa gilid ng mga mata ko.

I crossed my arms and hardened my facial expression when I reached him. He was staring at the ground even when he knows I'm already standing in front of him.

"What the hell are you thinking, Castellano?!"

He lifted his gaze to me and smiled weakly. The dark circles under his tired eyes made me gasp quietly. Guilt crept within me and my knees wobbled a bit.

"Why the fuck-"

Natigil ako sa pagsasalita nang hilahin niya ang palapulsuhan ko at yakapin. Nakasubsob ang mukha niya sa aking tiyan habang ikinukulong ng mga mainit niyang braso ang baywang ko.

Nagsibagsakan ang luha ko na mabilis ko namang pinalis. I have no idea what are his plans now, but he is surely breaking my heart again.

Naku naman! Ni hindi pa nga ako nakakabangon sa sakit, nilulunod niya na naman ako sa panibagong alon.

My eyes glued on the tree when I felt him look up at me.

"Baby, please look at me." His voice broke.

I parted my lips to breathe and ease the heaviness on my chest. This usually helps me in holding back my tears.

Nang hindi ko sinunod ang gusto niya ay sumuko siya at yumuko ulit. He rested his head on my stomach and reached for my hand.

"I'm sorry, Astrid. I'm so sorry. I was an asshole last night..." he muttered huskily.

Para akong unti-unting tinutunaw ng sakit sa boses niya. Bakit naman siya nasasaktan? Hindi naman niya ako mahal ah.

"and the past years." He cursed softly. "I was an asshole my entire life. Sorry."

I don't understand. Why is he here now? Why is he apologizing? He pushed me out of his life. He told me that I am nothing to him.

Is this one of his stupid games? What? To ease boredom again? Ako na naman ang pagdidiskitahan kasi wala siyang magawang nakalilibang?

Pagod na ako. Ano na naman ba ito?

Pinabayaan ko nang maglandas ang mga luha sa aking pisngi. Wala na akong pakialam kung malaman niya pang may epekto nga siya sa akin. Hindi ko na kayang kimkimin, e. Masyado talagang masakit.

"I'll do anything, Astrid. Anything..."

He lifted my hands and brought it to his lips. I bit the inside of my cheeks to prevent me from sobbing loudly.

"Just please..." I swallowed hard and closed my eyes, unsure if I want to hear his next words.

Niluwagan niya ang pagkakayakap sa akin. Pagdilat ko ay nakita ko na naman ang malamlam niyang mga mata at mapait na ngiti.

"Take me back."