Chased by the One I Stopped Chasing

My Peace

I looked above the sky to ask for some answers... for some guidance.

I want to live this life now for myself. I'm so done pushing myself to someone that never appreciated me. I'm done chasing. I'm done living it for him. I've learned my lesson.

I can't let myself fall in the bottomless pit of destructive love again. Hindi pa ako nakakaahon nang tuluyan, pero nakikita ko nang muli ang liwanag. Hindi ako dapat magpabihag sa mga salitang walang kasiguraduhan. Baka masayang lang ang nasimulan kong paglimot.

Hindi puwedeng isang ngiti niya lang, matutunaw na ang mga tuhod ko. Hindi puwedeng isang sulyap lang, mababali na naman ang lahat ng prinsipyo at pangako ko sa aking sarili. Hindi puwedeng isang utos niya lang na bumalik ako sa buhay niya, hahayaan ko na naman ang sarili kong mabaliw sa kaniya. Tapos na ako sa lahat ng iyon.

Bumaling ako kay Fray at inimbita siya sa loob ng bahay para mag-almusal.

My heart is too weak to shun him outright, knowing that he waited for me all night, starved himself and sacrificed his sleep. I'm not heartless.

Kagyat kong pinatay ang sayang namuo sa mga mata niya matapos marinig ang aking paanyaya.

"I am inviting you in my house, not in my life." I said before walking past him.

I inwardly cursed when I heard him murmur things while following me.

"Hindi pa rin ako matiis."

Pagkapasok sa bahay ay dumeretso ako sa kusina at minuwestra ko sa kaniya ang tapat ng inuupuan ko kanina.

"Magluluto lang ako. Umupo ka muna diyan. I steamed some milk. Make yourself some flat white."

I bit my lip at the realization that my attempt to make him feel intimidated through my cold facade failed at the mention of the last word. I saw him smirk!

Of course, Astrid! You know too well that he doesn't like strong coffee! He has a sweet tooth!

Damn it! That boosted up his confidence immediately!

"Okay. Do you want me to-"

"Espresso?" I cut him off and smiled.

"Nah. Changed preference. I'm into Anericano now." I added.

He closed his mouth and nodded. His brows creased in disappointment. I felt the slight pain in my chest.

Tumalikod na ako para ipagluto siya. Tumatakbo ang oras ko. Isang oras na lang ay aalis na ako para makapasok sa klase.

My body jumped a bit when Fray suddenly talked beside me. My train of thoughts made me unconscious with my surroundings for a moment.

"Hintayin mo na lang akong matapos."

"Gusto kong tumulong, As-"

I glared at him and he stopped.

His face contorted a bit before he let out a sigh and walked back to the table. Saglit pa akong natigilan dahil unang pagkakataon iyong nagpatalo siya sa akin.

Sa gilid ng mga mata ko ay nakita ko ang pagtayo niya at pagkuha ng sariling plato sa paminggalan. Hindi naman niya iyan ginagawa noon, sanay siyang pinagsisilbihan. He glanced at me once so I gazed at the bacon I am cooking. I don't want him to think I'm stealing glances! I'm not!

Umirap ako sa pag-iisip na nagbago na nga siya. Natitiyak kong may masamang balak na naman ang lalaking ito sa akin. Hindi ako dapat magpadala.

I placed the food on the table and sat in front of him with a cold expression. His eyes are all on me as I take a spoonful of cereals into my mouth.

"Hindi ka kakain?" He asked.

I raised a brow without having eye contact with him.

"I'm eating."

"Sure, what I mean is-"

I relaxed my shoulder and looked at him disappointedly. My lips drew a bitter smile.

"I don't like eating heavy breakfast."

He stared at me blankly, like he was processing the information I spilled. And when he finally realized what I meant, he looked down at his food and nodded.

Of course! Fray Castellano would never know a single thing about me. Wala naman siyang pakialam eh. Kailan niya ba ako napagtuunan ng pansin? Ano pa bang aasahan ko?

We remained silent for the first few minutes until he decided to break it.

"Astrid, I'm sorry for everything."

My jaw clamped at that. Pilit kong itinago ang sakit na muntikan nang makita sa aking mga mata. Isang beses akong sumulyap sa kaniya.

"Sure. You're forgiven."

"No..." He gulped hard. "I want to make it up to you."

Marahas akong napabaling sa kaniya. Gusto kong matawa sa sinabi niya, pero pinigil ko. It's useless. To give a reaction to what he said means I'm still affected. I won't give him that idea.

"No need..."

"Astrid, I want to court you."

So much for pretending unaffected. I am! Damn it! I am! I am so fucking mad at him right now!

I glared at him fiercely, feeling the materializing pain in my eyes.

"I love you, Ast-"

"Damn it, Fray!" I thumped the table with my palms. "Can you please just quit this nonsense?! What do you want now, huh?"

Napatayo na ako sa malubhang galit na mabilis na lumukob sa akin.

"Is this another of your stupid games, huh? Ano?! Did you have a bet with your friends? You're bored? You can't believe that I got over you? You're ego got bruised?" Halos malasahan ko na ang dugo sa lalamunan ko sa kasisigaw.

Dere-deretso ang tanong ko sa sobrang inis sa lalaking walang alam na ibang gawin kundi ang saktan ako!

I was stark angry while he remained looking at me with his soft eyes. A mixture of disbelief, regret and despair was displayed on his face. The muscled of his jaw tightened as he watched me throw daggers at him.

"Astrid, I'm serious."

I groaned in frustration.

"Ano ba, Fray?! Tangina naman eh. Tigilan mo na ako. Saksi ka naman sa lahat ng kagagahan ko sa'yo ah? Ilang taon ng buhay ko ang inaksaya ko 'di ba? Tapos na ako do'n, Fray. Tapos na tapos na ako!"

The pain in my chest grew heavier. Umupo ako at isinandal ang noo sa aking mga palad.

Early in the morning, I screamed hard and abused my throat. I let my body lose all the energy I prepared for my classes.

"Fray, tigilan mo na ako. I'm okay now, I have moved on. Makisama ka naman. Let me have my peace."

I can feel him staring at me, so I lifted my head and let him see how much of a wreck I was after hearing his words.

If showing him that I'm hurt will make him realize that he's bad for me, then I will. If this is what it takes to make him stop, then so be it.

Panalo na siya. Pareho pa rin ang epekto niya sa akin pagkatapos ng maraming buwan.

My tears ran down shamelessly on my cheeks. Some even made its way to my neck.

"I don't need you, Fray. Let me go." I whispered.

Napabuntong-hininga na lang ako nang umiling-iling siya bilang sagot sa tanong ko.

He hasn't changed at all, not even a bit.  Still so stubborn, still so selfish.