love like you // a tsukkiyama songfic.

people say this love is wrong, //

"tadashi, baby." i stumbled back at the voice. i hadn't looked at the caller i.d. , but now i regretted that.

why was she calling?

she sighed loudly when there was no response from me. "look, i'm so sorry. i shouldn't have reacted the way i did. come back home, please?"

was my mother really sorry?

"why now? why not that day?" i croaked, mentally chiding myself for not being able to keep my voice steady.

"i'm so sorry," she repeated. i hated apologies. "i wasn't myself that day. i want my son back." her voice sounded frail, but i was beyond feeling sympathy for that woman.

she hurt me, and now she says she wants me to come back to her? does she expect me to run back with open arms?

but maybe. . . maybe i should.

maybe i should go back to her. i can't stay with the tsukishima family forever. they didn't need the stress of, well, me. 

"i'll think about it." my words were clipped and they were much colder than i meant them to be.

good.

automatically, her voice went all happy-go-lucky again. i rolled my eyes at her obvious fakeness of supposedly being sad. "wonderful, you come back anytime you like! when you get here, we'll get some help to make you all better, mm?"

i nearly smiled, but then her words registered. "what did you say?"

"we can work on making you better," she said again, totally serious.

"i'm not sick."

"you know perfectly well what i mean." impatience seeped into her tone.

"i'm not sure i do."

"you love boys!" she finally snapped. "that's not normal!"

silence. and then, "i don't want to be fixed. i'm not coming home, ma."

"don't be ridiculous, tadashi." 

i didn't answer her for the longest time. "fine then, i tried. do whatever you want, you wretched child. but remember, never come back to me again. i don't need a son as worthless, as good-for-nothing as you anyways." 

and then the dial tone started beeping. i slowly brought my phone down from my ear as her words rang through my head.

worthless.

good for nothing.

wretched.

she was right, of course. i knew i should've cut the call sooner. she thought this love was wrong.

tears started pouring out of my eyes, dripping down my cheeks, chin, and then onto my jacket. i sat down right there on the grass next to the railroad tracks, tucking my head into my knees and sobbing. rolling my sleeves up, i stared at the slashes on my arms as fresh teardrops fell on them.

i was pathetic. 

i clung on to kei. he didn't need me.

i clung on to his family. i was just extra pressure on them.

i clung on to the karasuno high volleyball team, when in reality i was no good there, either. how many points had i gotten us altogether anyway? ten? fifteen?

i wasn't needed anywhere.

the railroad gates closed and another train chugged along the tracks. the breeze from the speed of it made me shiver.

and then i knew what i was going to do.