Bloodbath of the Fallen Crown

37

On The Way To The Station

The idea that life is a race or a rollercoaster or whatever the fuck it is people compare life to somehow always manages to come unbelievably short to what life actually is. That's because no one really knows what life is. What is life? Is it a race where you tire yourself out and try to reach this seemingly unreachable finish line? What would the finish line even be? Success? Death? Or is it a rollercoaster full of ups and downs and inside-outs? One that goes fast, then slow, at times is exciting and at other times is terrifying. But what signifies the end of that rollercoaster? Success? Death? Are we in it just to die? Does our purpose end when we succeed? What does success even mean? What is death? Is it the act of dying? Then why do some people feel dead before their hearts stop beating? Is death when you have nothing to live for? But, would that mean that a person only lives when he has a purpose or a reason? Is the value of our lives limited to why we want to live?

Why do I want to live? I ask that to myself every day. Why do I want to live?

Sometimes I have no reason. Sometimes I live because I cannot die. Sometimes I don't want to die, but don't want to live. Sometimes I want to die, but am forced to keep living. At times I love life. I love it so much that I cannot imagine myself not living. Sometimes I am okay with life and all its twists. I'm here because I am. I have no reason; at times I don't want to look for one.

I don't think we need a reason to live. Not all the time. Not when we aren't ready to. Some people do, and good for them. Those who have a certain way they want to live or have something that keeps them running towards the finish line are strong. But, those who watch from the sidelines and don't engage in the race are strong too. Why should I have to impose a reason to live on myself? Why should I spend the miserable days that I don't want to live looking for the grand reason of my life? How would I even find it? I am not here because I chose to be, I'm here because my parents had a little too much fun one late night.

My reason to live shouldn't have to be a reason. I should be able to be alive, not because I want to live, but because I don't want to die. So what if I walk my days not knowing why am I here or why I want to be here in the long run? What if I just want to spend my days on this rotting earth simply looking for simple reasons that make me smile and accept that I am here?

I can say my reason for living is because I like the smell of fresh air and that would be completely valid. Because it is my reason and my life. I can say my reason for living is because I want to save the world from the extreme poverty that has overtaken it, that is valid too. So why do some people only want to make life be acceptable when the reason behind it is grander than life itself?

Meanings are overrated. Take it from me who is, more often than not, nearly dead. We live, we die. I want to spend my life loving my life. And if my way of loving my life is getting to listen to that one song every morning, then that's my reason to live. If my way of loving my life is to dedicate it to some higher being I believe in, then that's my reason to live. If my way of loving my life is trying to make it big in some industry, then that's my reason to live. People look up to those who are multimillionaires like they achieved something greater than life. What can be greater than life? The only thing that comes to mind is death. Because life is a loan that is given to some to repay in ways that are never revealed. Death has your name on it from the moment your life starts.

Incredibly rich people achieved the feat of gaining a lot of money, but if they are no happier than the employee who wakes up every day with a radiant smile and peace in their heart, then what good does money do? Unless your millions can buy you a second lifespan to try again, then what good does money and no happiness do? A rich person who is truly happy is at the same place as a humble person who is truly happy. 

Reason to live? I don't think I'll ever find the one universal reason why I am here. Maybe there are billions, maybe there are none. Maybe I am here because of a sperm and an egg and nothing else. Maybe I have to live until I die and whatever I do in between is truly the meaning of life.

So, I plan to live until I die. And those days in between will be dedicated to making sure I feel content with being here. To make sure that I know that those days were mine and I used them how I wanted to. My life is mine, so why would I have to validate it to another person?

I walked my tunnel and for a small span of time, made it out. I was able to feel the sun warm my body and the love of those around me. There is another tunnel waiting for me and it looks much darker, much longer. I don't know if I'll make it out of this one. But I'll keep to the choice I made three years ago.

I had chosen to live.

And although my life is not the best one, or a righteous one. Although my life has me closer to death than actual life, I walked here every step. Every scar, every emotions, every path I took, I took because I decided to. 

Three years ago I had chosen to live, but I realized I was not actually living. I was afraid to live, constantly being plagued with the thought I would die. That my life wasn't enough to live. I had chosen to exist as I was. Not as Anastasia Bianchi but as another person on this earth. My yesterday kept me enslaved to every today, but I'll break the chains. I'll burst through them and rip the wall that held me back. 

Today, I choose to give my life meaning. 

A meaning that will go by my standards. By my judgement. A way of life that is meaningful to me and enough for me. Enough of letting people rule over me and deciding how I live and whether my life is enough. Because my life is enough. Enough for me. I am enough for me. 

I chose meaning. 

-END OF SECOND BOOK-

To be continued...

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YA'LL THE SECOND BOOK IS DONE!!???!?!?!???

I don't even know what to say, bro. I loved this book as much as the first. I love the characters and the story and what it means to me. 

Thank you all for staying with me along the ride, you're the bestest of the best.

Now, here is the cover of the third and final book of the QOTU series. Yes, final. I will cry.

Lile last time, I will have the cover set up as a story with no words or description yet. Feel free to add it to your library. I will post any updates on the book there.

So, without further delay...

Stay on the lookout for...

dun dun dunnnnnn