What I Couldn't Tell You | Bokuaka

Chapter 8

( ★ )
With both of his parents gone, Keiji knew what was waiting for him. If there was another emotion Bokuto was sporting besides shock, it was anger. Keiji looked away from him and grimaced, the air around the room felt tense, filled with dread and several unspoken emotions. Bokuto stepped into the room, closing the door and making a beeline for Keiji's bed. He stood there, unmoving. Keiji could feel him staring holes into the side of his face.
"Bokuto-san I-" Keiji began, but was quickly interrupted.
"YOU'RE AN IDIOT!" Bokuto screamed out.
Keiji shut up, he turned to look at Bokuto, surprised. It was rare to see the boy so angry, because no matter the situation, Bokuto tended to face his problems with an optimistic attitude.
"I can't believe you lied to me about something as important as this!" Bokuto exclaimed, his hands clenching into fists at his side, and Keiji could hear the hurt in his voice, "You could've died Akaashi!" he told him. Keiji scoffed and looked away once more.
"As if you care," Keiji muttered, his hands fisting his bedsheets.
"Of course, I care!" Bokuto reasoned, he took a sit on the chair by Keiji's bed. Bokuto reached out for his hand, taking it and holding it tightly, bringing it close to him. Keiji felt tears well up in his eyes, "You're my best friend!"
"STOP IT!" Keiji exclaimed, turning to look at Bokuto, he pulled his hand away from the other, wiping at the tears that managed to come out, "I don't want that, not from you." Keiji commented as he closed his eyes.
Silence enveloped them once more. Keiji hated it, hated how his relationship with Bokuto had turned into this. That even if Keiji took the surgery now, nothing would go back to the same because Bokuto knew. He knew that Keiji's feelings went beyond his own self-preservation, that he was willing to risk his life if it meant he could love Bokuto Koutarou a few minutes more. The quietness stretched and Keiji felt as if an eternity had passed before Bokuto spoke up.
"Why did you lie?" he questioned, his voice coming out a hushed whisper.
"...I still had hope that," Keiji gulped, and felt the familiarity of flowers blocking his airways. He fought it, pushing the feeling down because if he didn't speak with Bokuto now, he wouldn't have another chance, "that maybe you'd come around, but then you accepted Fujiwara's confession and this got worse and-" Keiji buried his head in his hands, letting out a choked sob.
"I'm sorry for neglecting you," Bokuto said softly, he looked at Keiji with guilt in his eyes, "but I told you before Akaashi, I- I can't return your feelings."
"I know," Keiji remarked, making an effort to control his shaking body, to stop the tears from flowing, "I'm an idiot for keeping on hoping."
"I don't understand it," Bokuto said, running his hands through his hair, "Why me?" he questioned, looking at Keiji for answers.
"Why not Koutarou?" Keiji exclaimed, his heart clenched, his throat welling up with peonies. He coughed up two, blood dribbling on the side of his mouth. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Bokuto flinch, staring wide-eyed at the pink flowers he loved so much. Keiji laughed humorlessly, he didn't look at Bokuto and opted to stare at his shaking hands, "you're such a lovable person, with your ridiculous hair and ridiculously sweet personality. Despite your childish antics and mood swings you're the loveliest person I've ever met. You light up any room you come into, and pull any person out of their pits of darkness. You're bright and rambunctious but can be serious when you need to be. And I love that, love every aspect of your personality. Love every part of you," Keiji whispered the last part, but it was loud enough for Bokuto to catch it.
"B-but how?" Bokuto asked pulling on his hair "I don't get it."
"That's how love works," Keiji said, wiping his eyes, he continued to avoid looking at the other, "you fall before you know it,"
"And how do you know?" Bokuto asked once again, he reached out for Keiji's hand before deciding against it.
"It just feels right," Keiji stated, finally turning to look at Bokuto with a sad smile. Right then, something changed in Bokuto's eyes but Keiji didn't dare to hope, it had only brought him despair until now.
"It feels natural doesn't it?" Bokuto inquired, this time, when he once again reached for Keiji's hand, he took it. Keiji didn't have the strength to pull away, "as natural as breathing." He said.
"How do you feel about me Bokuto-san?" Keiji asked, his hand clenched on Bokuto's warm one.
"I don't know," Bokuto said sincerely, briefly looking down before looking back up at Keiji with determination in his eyes, "I just know you're very important to me and I wouldn't want to lose you."
Keiji bit his lip and remained quiet, staring at their hands linked together and thinking about Bokuto's words.
"Can I just ask for one thing?" Keiji said, tear welling up in his eyes. It was the one side of him that he didn't want Bokuto to view, but as desperate as he was, it was his last straw in this uphill battle that was his love for Bokuto Koutarou. Bokuto just nodded, "can I kiss you?"
Bokuto froze, his hands stiffening around Keiji's own and for a moment, Keiji dreaded that he might have managed to fuck up what was left of their crumbling friendship. He looked into Bokuto's eyes, searching for an answer, yet the other boy was quick to look down. Keiji gulped, feeling a knot on his throat caused by something other than the deadly pink flowers that had been killing him slowly. He was about to mutter an apology and come up with an excuse when the other boy looked up at him, golden eyes dripping honey and warmth. Bokuto muttered a soft 'okay' and it was all it took for Keiji to move.
He cupped Bokuto's face, his hands trembling due to the lack of oxygenation of his constricting lungs, but more to the thrill of the moment, and leaned in. His lips met Bokuto's in a soft kiss. Warmth pressing against each other and conveyed things that could not be said. I'm sorry. I love you. Keiji's lips opened softly to suck on the other's bottom lip, feeling warm and happy in a way that he hadn't managed to do in the past weeks. Bokuto's hand cupped one of Keiji's trembling ones, his thumb brushing against the calloused skin that had hardened with years of volleyball practice. He leaned in further into Keiji's embrace, his other hand sliding down Keiji's arms until it settled at the base of his neck, and tilted his head further in parting his lips in welcome to the new sensation.
Akaashi Keiji had imagined his first kiss with Bokuto Koutarou under a less tragic circumstance probably on the clubroom after a satisfying match. Yet in the present he found himself, his arms moving away from Bokuto's face to gently round his neck and caress the hair at his nape, he couldn't ask for more. Because this kiss wasn't the type you gave out of pity on your friend's wishes, and maybe, just maybe it might help Bokuto realize what has been there all along.
Keiji's lungs complained at the lack of air and they pulled away with a gasp. Bokuto raised a hand to caress Keiji's face, his thumb brushing away the stray tears that had managed to slip away from the younger's eyes. His golden eyes exuded so much warmth, Keiji is reminded of hot summer days and training camps, of eating watermelon in the afternoon with all his teammates, it's comfortable in a way Keiji had never felt yet so familiar all at once. He picks Bokuto's hands and brings it to his lips, planting a soft kiss in his palm.
He opens his mouth to mutter something when he feels the constricting feeling of being breathless. Only this time he truly is breathless and finds himself fighting for any air. The flowers are there, spilling into the bed and painting it pink and crimson, covering everything in a way that makes him lightheaded. His heart monitor is picking up and he can barely make the sound of Bokuto's shout for help. The nurses and doctor rush in, frantically wheeling him out of the room to take him to the operating room. He barely manages to make out the blur of his surroundings and for a moment Keiji's enveloped in warmth.
He's met with the sight of him and Bokuto at his house, both spread over Keiji's bed after a successful day of practice and studying for exams.
"Akaashi," Bokuto calls out to catch the other's attention.
"Yes, Bokuto-san?" Keiji asks, looking away from the volleyball magazine he was reading, upon noticing Bokuto's serious expression he decided to set it aside, turning on his side to give the other his full attention, "what is it?"
"You know I consider you my best friend, right?" Bokuto asks in a hushed voice, he's not looking at Keiji.
"Yes," Keiji says and reaches out for Bokuto's hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze, "I consider you my best friend too."
Bokuto turns to look at him and despite the fading sun dripping on his room, bathing them both in gold, Keiji is met with a storm in Bokuto's eyes.
"Promise me that if anything bothers you, being it small or big you will tell me," Bokuto pleads, his voice barely breaking but holding so much emotion it takes Keiji's breath away, "I wouldn't want to lose you."
In that one afternoon, despite the laughs shared hours before, the jokes and sarcastic remarks, Akaashi Keiji and Bokuto Koutarou are found staring at each other's eyes, a typhoon of emotions reveling between them. Worry, anxiousness, and affection. In that one afternoon, Keiji grips both of Bokuto's hands and holds them tight, afraid that if he lets go, he'll lose Bokuto forever, and mutters.
"I promise."