Sunlight and Storms

Don't Do Sadness

(Original story)

(Trigger warning: Mentions and descriptions of depression, PTSD, eating disorders, self harm, attempted suicide, panic attacks, anxiety, and physical/emotional abuse)

I scowled down at my food as it stared up at me almost mockingly. It wasn't that the food was badly made or that I didn't like it, I just never had an appetite anymore. I loathed the chicken and salad that sat before me.

"Emma," Nurse Nadia said as she watched my scowl deepen, "You have to eat. You know that if you don't you'll have to drink Ensure."

I frowned. Ensure is a high-calorie nutrition shake that every girl here has to drink if they refuse their food. I have yet to have to drink one, but I've heard the chocolate wasn't bad. "I know." I muttered in return, looking up at her. She was giving me a kind smile, making it hard for me to show her any form of disdain. Not only was Nurse Nadia one of the kindest women I've ever met, but she was also beautiful. Her chocolate skin and dark hair complimented her sweet personality. The best part about her was that, despite knowing my past, she never pitied me. She only cared for me.

I turned my gaze away from her and allowed my icy blue eyes to scan across the other occupants of the cafeteria. I watched as the girls with binge-eating disorder shoveled the food down their throats, while the anorexics picked it apart. I watched as they dropped the small crumbs on the ground and stepped on them, smashing the morsels of food into the cracks of the shoes. They placed the crumbs in their sleeves and their pockets and their hoods, doing anything to prevent themselves from having to eat the food. I sighed. Unlike those girls, I wanted to get better, which effectively made me an outcast among outcasts.

I turned back to my food with a new sense of determination. I want to get better, I repeated in my head, chanting the words to work up the will to eat. I want to get better. I want to get better. I want to get better.

I carefully cut a piece of my chicken and placed it in my mouth. It tasted like nothing. I continued eating until all that was left on my plate was a single chocolate chip cookie. I stared down at the cookie and my throat started to close up as if a snake was wrapping itself around my throat. Chocolate chip cookies were HER favorites. Panic overwhelmed my mind.

The snake around my neck began to whisper HER words in my ear. You're worthless. You're useless. No one loves you. I felt myself sinking into HER grasp. Even locked away in prison, SHE still has control over me. HER threats and taunts filled my mind and phantom pain was scattered across my body.

No! I will not let HER continue to control me. The sooner I'm out of here, the sooner I can forget.

I lifted the cookie and shoved the whole thing in my mouth, grimacing at the taste. I had to resist the urge to gag as the cookie tasted like ash and tar. I knew that the flavor was merely a trick of my mind, but it felt real to me.

As I swallowed the cookie, my panic rose again. Memories flashed through my mind of HER cruel words and the pain of her slaps, punches, and kicks ghosted over my skin. I wrapped my arms around my abdomen as I felt the urge to vomit out of a mix of pain and fear.

I merely sent Nurse Nadia a panicked look as I rushed out of the cafeteria, speed walking until I reached the door to the garden. I pushed through the double doors and took deep gulps of the frozen December air. I made my way over to a bench and sat down, putting my head in my hands as the snake coiled tighter around my neck, constricting my breathing further. I took shallow breaths, gripping my hair and pulling at it slightly. It hurt, but it didn't bother me. The pain gives me clarity.

I flinched violently as a hand gently gripped my shoulder. I looked up with tear-stained cheeks. I hadn't even realized I had been crying until I felt the frigid air froze the tears to my cheeks.