Sunlight and Storms

Little Girls

(Nonfiction)

I was standing outside the audition room at my school. The room was large and empty with a small piano. I glanced over at my brother before I pulled open the door and allowed my feet to carry me into the room. I hugged the sheet music to my chest as I took a few deep breaths. Auditions were always the worst part of being in a musical.

I hadn't expected to be this nervous given the circumstances. I was going to be missing actual auditions because of a family vacation to Universal Studios in Florida. I had been lucky that my mom had been able to get my brother and I an audition date. Instead of having the full panel of judges, I only had two to perform in front of.

I shook my head to break myself out of my thoughts before I greeted the judges. They were kind and calmed my nerves slightly. Despite this, I kept a tight hold of my sheet music to try and prevent myself from shaking with nerves. When they asked which song I was going to audition with, I answered, "Little Girls, but I also prepared to sing Tomorrow so I had something that sounded more like my normal voice."

I wanted to play Ms. Hannigan more than anything. In the last five shows I had been in, I had either a minor role or chorus, with the occasional dance part here and there. It was my last year of middle school so I was ready to have a bigger part.

The pianist and judge allowed me to sing through both songs once before recording it. Both run throughs went well and when it finally came time to record I was ready. The first song I sang was Little Girls, Hannigan's song. I thought I had done it to the best of my ability all while adding some of the grouchy, old hag's character to it. It felt right to sing that song. I could feel it in my bones that I was meant to perform it.

The next song I sang was Tomorrow. While singing it, I had belted a note that I couldn't normally hit without going to my head voice and it had surprised me. I was happy that I had hit that note, but the song didn't feel quite right. I felt like an adult trying to blend in with a bunch of kindergarteners. I knew then I wasn't meant to play Annie. Despite my hair having a similar style to the character, I was too tall and my voice was too low for a part such as this.

After I had finished my vocal audition, my brother went next. He was meant to play Rooster. I could tell from the way he performed. From the way he sang the song. I may dislike my brother most of the time, but I couldn't help but admit that he was talented.

After he finished the singing part of his audition, we began to run lines. I performed lines for all of the female characters, but none of them sounded as good as my Hannigan lines. I had a good feeling that I would get the part, but I constantly dismissed it, not wanting to get my hopes up. I had made that mistake before and it had left me crying myself to sleep.

After the audition, weeks passed. I was now standing right in front of the Hulk ride at one of the parks in Universal when the cast list was released. My mom read through the list with a smile. I was happy for my brother when I heard he got the role he wanted, but it was nothing compared to how I felt when I heard what role I got.
I got Hannigan. I nearly broke down crying from how happy I was. The moment I had heard that we were doing Annie, I knew I wanted to play Hannigan. I thought it would be fun. As I began practicing Little Girls for my audition, I knew that this was the only part that would truly suit me. Now, for the first time, I have a role that will actually get me noticed. I finally will be given the chance to shine.

Weeks after I got back home, rehearsals began. I felt confident in my abilities, though I would get a little nervous that I wouldn't memorize my lines in time. In the end, I had nothing to worry about. I memorized everything with ease. Rehearsals passed without interference. That is until we got to tech week.

During tech week, I lost my voice. I was terrified that I wouldn't regain it in time for the show. I did everything I could to get it back. I went on vocal rest, meaning I didn't use my voice unless I needed to. I drank Throat Coat, a black licorice-flavored tea that is supposed to help you get your voice back. I knew this drink would help me, but I grimaced at the taste every time I took a sip. I also drank a lot of water. I did as many things as I could to regain my voice.

By the time of the first show, I had regained my voice enough to perform. During the first show, my voice was decent, not at its best but good enough that I still sounded in character. I was able to take a moment and breathe during the second show since the other cast got to perform. By the third show, I had my voice nearly back to normal. I did everything at the best of my ability.

I remember coming back from backstage after the third show to meet my parents. Before I reached them, I had been stopped by multiple people, complimenting me on my performance. One even compared me to the Original Broadway Cast Hannigan. He said that I was almost as good as her. I was flattered, but part of me couldn't help but doubt his words.

As I walked towards my parents, my mind was swallowed into an inner turmoil. Could I really be as good as that man said? I can't be. That's impossible. I don't have a very good belting range and my head voice was only okay. Sure, I could use vibrato, unlike most of my peers, but that really wasn't that impressive.

I felt myself begin to drown in negative thoughts. I stumbled through the crowd, feeling like a lost little girl as my mind swirled with negativity. What was I doing in this costume with this makeup and hair? Why were people complimenting me? I wasn't actually that good. The only reason I could have got this part is because they thought I was a cruel person. Is that what people thought of me? Do I come off as mean and rude?

I shook my head slightly, breaking myself out of the toxic loop. It had happened again. I was second guessing my abilities and wasn't allowing myself to just take the compliment. I was making assumptions about what others thought of me. I hated that I did this. I always pick at my flaws instead of looking at my positive aspects.

I stopped walking for a moment. I took a moment to ground myself. I got this part because they knew I could do a good job, not because I was cruel. I got this part because they thought I was talented. People are complimenting me because I deserve it. I need to stop allowing myself to fall into a pool of negativity. I am who I am and it doesn't matter what others think as long as I am happy.

"Katrina." My mother called to me. I looked up and was met with proud smiles on both of my parents faces. I smiled back as a warmth filled me. It was the first time I felt that my parents were truly proud of me. Sure, I had performed solos before, but this was different. I could feel it. I walked towards the two most important adults in my life with a bright smile and a happy sparkle in my hazel eyes. I will no longer be that lost little girl, but instead a confident woman.