The Fresh Start

** 4 - Opening Up **

"I packed away all the groceries," I announced when I came back into the living room. Donna and Zoe were sitting on the couch with their legs crossed eating dry cereal. Zoe's hair was down and she looked years younger as she giggled while Donna explained to her the beauty of dry cereal. Zoe's eyes caught mine and I couldn't help but smile back.

"Sabrina, you know that packing the groceries away isn't part of your job description?" Zoe asked from the couch, her eyes dancing, "Come, watch this with us, it's my favourite movie."

I walked over to the single couch next to theirs and picked up the pillow, cuddling it as I sat down. I watched the little creature squeak across the screen and immediately recognized the movie. Strange Magic. I tried thinking of an excuse to leave the room, but Zoe interrupted my panic.

"Why didn't you buy milk?" Zoe asked, her eyes not leaving the screen.

"I, uh," I spluttered for words as my face turned an uncomfortable shade of pink, "I don't really have any money right now."

There was a silence. Zoe's head cocked to the side, the wheels seemed to turn behind her blue eyes as her smile wavered for a split-second.

"Oh, my credit card is in the kitchen drawer," she shrugged. 

"Mommy! I am so hungry!" Donna exclaimed, climbing onto her mom's lap.

"I was thinking we could order pizza tonight, to celebrate Sabrina's first day," Zoe responded, cuddling Donna close, nuzzling her nose in Donna's hair.

Before I could think to say anything, Donna chimed in, "But Sabrina and I made pizza for lunch today!"

A hint of sadness flickered across Zoe's face. "You did?" Her voice softened.

Nodding enthusiastically, Donna continued, "Yeah! Sabrina taught me how to make the dough from scratch!"

Zoe's eyes met mine. Her gaze seemed to hold a thousand unspoken words. I recalled Donna's words: 'Mommy's always working, not cooking'. My heart went out to her, sensing the depth of her regret.

Just as the emotion threatened to overwhelm us, the movie's soundtrack filled room. "Oh, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger..." Donna shouted identifying the song. She jumped up and started dancing on the couch. Zoe immediately joined her. 

I allowed them to have their moment and focused on the movie. 

That was a mistake. 

Marianne's anger and tears mirrored my own.  

I tried to focus on the movie and not the past. I couldn't.

Something trickled down my cheek. I wiped at it. 

Tears? Really? - my brain mocked me.

I looked over to Zoe and Donna, both equally oblivious to what's going on in my head. 

I took a deep breath and went to the kitchen.

"Supper," I mumbled to myself as I searched through the cupboards.

"You cook food all the time, just find something! Look busy," I continued to mutter. Tears blurred my vision, making it hard to focus. It occurred to me that I haven't cried since that day. I touch my neck and scold myself. Why do I always touch this scar when the real pain is inside?

"Sabrina?" Zoe called from the lounge. I froze. I took a deep breath and held on to the counter.  I swallowed hard.

"Sabrina?" Zoe asked standing behind me now. 

I kicked myself for not answering fast enough, but I didn't turn around. When she moved closer, I dropped my head forward so that my hair covers my face. My chest heaved as I fought to compose myself.