yours {h.s.} | {b1.5}

APRIL 6, 2020

April 6, 2020

I've had better plans, to be sure.

Paid nurse to say I fucked her. Really took her into on call room and played cards with her. Both made sporadic moaning sounds. Will never reveal to another soul I did this. Figured it would be easier than having to explain to Britt that I just don't feel as attached to her as she does me. She looked at me like Gracie does, and that was good for a time but then I realized that the only person that I want to look at me like Gracie does is Gracie.

I thought it was the easier way but I didn't account for the validated female rage when she thinks she has been cheated on. I didn't realize that she would wind up and hit me and I didn't know how small I would be inclined to make myself. I didn't know how I would want to curl up and cry. I didn't know I had any other options other than just taking it, but I did until Gracie revealed herself—hadn't heard her come in—and she kicked her out of the house. I swear, I've never loved her more. She looked so beautifully controlled then. Her voice was level and she looked protective and fierce. I'd never been so relieved to see her in my life, but immediately my heart broke when I realized that she would think I was a cheater. I could explain myself, but I can't be assed. There is no explanation. I habitually ruin things. If I didn't now, I would later. Besides, my feelings have changed.

She checked me out once she was sure Britt was gone and she told me that I was fine but I felt so fucking far from fine in that moment and I think she could tell. I opened my mouth and I think I said her name but she cut me off and just told me that I was wrong and asked if I knew I was wrong. "I'll always defend you publicly so long as you're okay with getting an earful from me when you're wrong," she told me, and I liked that. I agreed.

I told her the half truth: I have a habit of screwing things up when they get good. She disagreed and told me that I haven't screwed up our relationship. She knew where it would hurt. That is my greatest fear. It is the one thing that I am actively working against. I asked about her date but she didn't tell me and it hurt that she was shielding herself from me.

We separated and I went to my room. I stared at a blank page for a while trying to figure out what to say how to explain myself but there is no way of explaining myself. Not when I so royally fucked up everything. I hadn't considered the implications. I should have minded my own business from the start.

She told me that she would be in her room if I needed her. I think I need her.