Unfathomable

Glass Mother

Heart monitors sang their monotone song and an IV bag hung next to the small girl who tried to take her life vindictively. She opened her eyes to the bright fluorescent lights that buzzed over her head. The smell of rubbing alcohol and death hit her senses and filled her vision. The pale wallpaper and small room constricted her thoughts. The uncomfortable hospital bed and pillow that was too fluffy meant nothing to her as she looked down at her arm that was wrapped in gauze. She saw the IV sticking into her hand and immediately looked for her mother. Instead she saw a woman who had a smile that told comforting lies for a living. Riley tried to speak but her throat was so dry it came at as a sheer whisper. The woman who's kind eyes looked into her soul handed her a glass of water.
She took a sip of the room temperature water and she could feel the liquid lubricate her throat. She didn't smile. How could she, she was in a hospital bed being judged by some lady that she assumed was a social worker who 'Only wants to help'.

She cleared her throat, "Who are you?" Her voice cracked and the woman smiled and stayed quiet for a long time.

"I am going to be the one who gets you the help you need" She said with a smile.

Riley stared at her with blank eyes and hoped she was right.

After a couple nights in the hospital for her recovering arm the social worker told her that her mother was in rehab and couldn't take care of her so she would be going back to Taylorsville psychiatric hospital. Riley had considered this and knew that no matter what she wanted she would have to go back there. Besides what else was she supposed to do? She couldn't tell the social worker no and she couldn't just run away.

She was absolutely stuck in this situation. She felt like an ancient dinosaur trapped in tar. Unaware of exactly what was going to happen but knew where it would end.

She sat up in the bed that had been more of a home than her house had been. Looking around the bland room she sighed deeply.

"What am I going to do?" Riley said to no one. Her words bounced off the beige walls of the hospital room. She started thinking to herself.

Why did she wake up? She should have been out for longer than that. She doesn't talk to me for months and then right when i am about to do something to help her she catches me red handed? What the hell is that about? Why did she have to come into my room like that? I was so close this time.

So close...

It doesn't matter anyways. At least she's in rehab again. I mean it's not like she's gonna be there very long. She'll pull the victim card of her husband committing suiced and her daughter is suicidal. Just like she does every time.

She snapped back to reality when she got a sudden urge of nausea. She got up so fast all the blood rushed to her head and she got dizzy. A fuzzy blackness was around her eyes as she hobbled to the bathroom. She lifted up the seat cover and started dry heaving. Her stomach aches so bad she started to cry. She sat there for 10 minutes but nothing came out. Her mouth tasted as if she hadn't brushed her teeth once in her entire life. Her entire body convulsed as her little amount of stomach contents came up with full force. It landed in the porcelain toilet which was probably used to this kind of abuse.

Her body was shaking as she sat there with her eyes closed. She suddenly got afraid to look down into the toilet to see what was there. She felt like if she looked into the toilet she would drop dead. She was so overtaken by fear that she flushed the toilet without looking into it. As the sound of running water flooded her hot ears she opened her tightly clenched watering eyes. She watched as the water went down the drain and something caught her eye.

Was that blood?

Fear gripped at her heart as her mind began to race.

What was that? Did I just imagine it or was it really there? Why would I throw up blood? What's wrong with me? What if I'm dying or have internal bleeding?

She sat there for a while just staring into the toilet. She breathed heavily trying to calm down. Her muscles ached as she tried to stand. Her head was throbbing behind her eyes as she went to the sink to wash out her mouth. She looked into the mirror and saw a girl she hardly recognized. Her short hair was sticking up at all ends. Her eyes had deep circles around them and her skin was so pale it was almost translucent.

She sat there for a second and realized that she was looking back at her mother. Her eyes began to water ass she looked at her left arm in the mirror. The gauze that was hiding her wound was now gone and in its place was a syringe.

Her reflection moved and grabbed it lightly. She stared in awe as the reflection smiled to its ears revealing a bloody mouth with no teeth. The reflection pushed the liquid in the container into her arm. She could feel it course through her veins. She screamed in pain and terror and collapsed to the floor.

She violently started to scratch at her arm ripping off the syringe and clawing at the spot that it was placed. She screamed bloody murder as she tore apart her arm trying to get the posion out. With no warning she blacked out.

She came to a little while later. Still sitting in the bathroom with her knees tucked into her chest and her arms wrapped around them. She felt a burning sensation in her left arm and realized what she had done. Looking around her she realized that she was sitting in a small pool of blood. She quickly looked at her arm and saw that her arm was so torn up she could barely recognize it. She noticed that the bleeding had stopped and that she wasn't dead yet so she knew that she was in no imminent danger. She went to stand and looked at her right hand which was covered in blood and cotton. She looked closer and saw skin under her fingernails. She gagged and quickly washed her hands and arm off trying to get it clean. She refused to look in the mirror for fear of seeing her mother again.
She came out of the bathroom and tried to lay down. She winced as she rested her arm on the unnecessarily white pillow next to her. Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes aas her mutilated arm throbbed. Her muscles scream in pain as she laid against the uncomfortable pillows. Her stomach was still twisting and turning inside of her.

Not knowing if she may throw up again, she searched for any comfort. She tried to think of anything that could put her mind to rest after her psychotic episode. Thinking about her father was one of the only ways to find comfort. When he was still alive he was her rock. She thought about when he would wrap her up in a blanket after she had woken up from a nightmare. She smiled slightly while thinking of the good old days.

But her father wasn't here this time. He couldn't comfort her anymore. The tears were now streaming down her cheeks.

Why? Why did he have to do it? What could have pushed him off the edge like that?

She sat there for a second thinking about the question she just asked herself.

The same thing that brought me down to my dark place... My mother.

She sat with her realization for a moment and was fueled with rage. She couldn't believe she never thought of that before. She clenched the pillow next to her with her good hand as fresh hot tears seared down her face. This time the tears weren't of sorrow and longing but of anger and pure hatred for her mother.

She sat there with her entire body clenched and her muscles straining against her. Her arm and stomach screamed at her as she tightened in her bed. Staring at the ceiling still pending with rage she began to breathe deeply trying to calm down. She calmed down slightly and started breathing slowly to lower her heart rate.

While staring at her ceiling she slipped into her subconscious as she always does after an episode. With her body and mentality being so exhausted she slowly slipped into a dreamless sleep.