wherein y/n opens a bakery next door to the home of troubled fbi agent dr spencer reid.
during the aftermath of 'revelations,' where spencer is still battling his addiction. however, the members of the team does not exactly line up with this timeli...
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GUILT ———————
spencers pov
I FEEL LIKE an asshole.
guilt swells in my stomach and forms a lump in my throat. oh god, what did i do. she'll think i'm embarrassed of her, that i hate her. that i don't trust her around my friends.
"why didn't you want her to come over, anyway, spence? you two seemed like good friends." it was jj that asked the question that they'd all been wondering the entire duration of the walk from the bakery to my apartment.
i felt the fear burning like acid in my stomach, spreading to my arms and through my veins.
the fear of her, of her and my friends. together. the spencer reid she knows and the spencer reid they used to, having to battle the spencer reid i became around them. the constant switching and side taking, avoidance of their questions and blushing at her words.
i can picture it now, having to put on a fake smile but not so happy they can see through it and not so sad she'd know somethings wrong. they want me to be okay, they don't expect me to be good but they think i'm better and that's enough for them.
she knows i'm struggling with something but would never guess with what. i can forget around her and with her i am good. i am truly happy.
she'd maybe think i'm faking it, maybe think that my friends are the cause of my struggles.
she'd wonder why i was so small, so sad, so pathetic around them.
they'd wonder how i can be so happy and carefree. they'd finally think everything's good, everything's back to normal.
they'd notice the difference then, between the spencers.
they'd stop thinking nothing of it when i go to the bathroom and don't come back for hours.
when i can't control my agitation and temper.
they'd notice it then because, spencer's better. he seemed fine with her. he must be slipping, he must be struggling again.
they wouldn't just think, it's the trauma. nothing else. he's not stupid. he wouldn't do that. he'd tell us, if he was really struggling.
he'd tell us if he was addicted to drugs.
as far as they know, the spencer they loved will come back eventually. once the trauma subsides.
they don't notice the erratic behaviour and the mood swings. because around them i'm always acting.
if they collided my mask would slip and i'd have to create another one.
and it'd be broken from the start.
"i," i thought for a moment, licked the acid of my lips. the taste of my own deception stinging my tongue. "i don't know. i don't think i'm ready to mix friends yet." i laughed, like it was funny, "besides, i haven't even, like, hung out with her before."
they accepted it.
the acid started to subside. a rotten and tingling sensation, rather than a fiery one.
it came back ferociously when i saw her napkin.
i wish i could explain.
an: i don't really like we toting from spencers pov but here it is i guess. probably wont update for about a week until halloween break! :) love you all xxx
