The cold burned her heart

24th December, Helsinki

That Christmas Eve, when I was flying back to Helsinki from Stockholm, I was thrilled. The spirit of Christmas had filled my soul. I was starting to stop taking antidepressants and sleeping pills and trying hard to give up the bottle once again. 

I told mom that Amara comes home from Greece and I'll propose again, and this time it will be perfect. 

But Amara wasn't home and didn't answer her phone. 

That's how I spent the whole day on the 24th of December, running around the frozen streets of Helsinki, covered in snow and shaking, looking for Amara at all her friends' homes.

I met Nikolas's girlfriend at a party in Kallio, a laid-back bohemian area of our dear Helsinki. 

''Pelle! What a great face to see tonight! Join us!'' the host invited me, a good old friend from university, visibly drunk or high, or both.

''I was actually looking for...hey, where's Nikolas?'' I dared ask his girlfriend.

''He's home, waiting for me. He didn't wanna come, he wanted to spend Christmas in family. I'll join him in like...a few hours. I want to stay with my friends before the baby takes all my spare time away,'' she caressed her belly. 

''Right,'' I rolled my eyes and rushed out, walking fast down the street. 

It was cold, that's what I wrote inn my journal over and over again. I had lost a lot of weight in the previous months and I felt sick, I felt sad and now, I felt alone. 

My hair was now longer, for Amara, because she liked long hair, I looked younger, beacuse my face had shrinken into itself, and my eyes were wearier.  

So here was a 25 years old strange looking dude running aimlessly on the streets of that great city, while everyone was celebrating whatever Christmas was all about; and somehow y steps guided me to Nikolas's house. 

After all we were both alone and waiting for our girlfriends to show up.

For me, Nikolas's door was always open. Not because he always answered, but because the apartment was literally bought by me and I had a key.

When Nikolas lost his scholarship, he had nowhere to go and Ii had a lot of money. So I figured I could do that for my best friend.

So naturally, I had a key, since the apartment was legally mine.

''My dude! Are you home?" I called, stopping to look at the jacket in the hallway. My mind jolted, and I swallowed my words, stepping very silently towards the bedroom. 

''Nikolas!'' I called again, and this time a familiar voice answered, but not the one I was hoping for. As tears literally flooded my eyes, I stood in the doorway, looking at the most beautiful girl in world becoming the ugliest person known to mankind.

Nothing was beautiful at her anymore -her curves now seemed vulgar, her eyes empty, her very soul spilled with pitch and tar.