The cold burned her heart

Point of no return

You'd think we stopped. But I couldn't. I took her back home and we fought. We fought for hours. I threw clothes at her and I warned her I'll throw myself over the balcony. I screamed I cried, I asked why.

She was shaking, begging me to forgive her, and I saw nothing in those immense eyes, I saw nothing but the death of all my dreams.

But by dawn, I was cradling her on the floor of our kitchen, crying, asking why again and again. And the answer was so clean and perfect. She loves Nikolas and the two of us have become toxic.

We didn't talk for weeks. She spent her 24th birthday with her friends, while I was making sure Nikolas's apartment becomes legally him. In any other circumstances, I'd kick him out of it, but my heart went to the little life growing inside his girlfriend's belly.

When he saw the acts, he showed up asking for redemption. I gave him the choice of either getting out of my face or getting a beating that would put him in a wheelchair.

One of the following nights, in February, as me and Amara stood at the table in my kitchen with two of our old friends that were getting married, she leaned over to kiss me.

The disgust in my stomach was so violent I stood up and went straight into the bathroom. How could I touch what he'd touched? Kiss what he'd kissed? Be where he'd been?

Also in February, when I woke up, Amara was sleeping on the floor. I'd been sleeping on the couch, so she'd have our bed all for her own.

''Go to the bed,'' I muttered.

''Pelle... Pelle, I think we should take a breake.''

It's impossible for me to write down what I felt. No one, not even I will ever understand the way in which I loved that woman. She was my life and destruction, my will, my pain, my everything. She was Freya and Gaia and Venus, she was she sun and all the seas, she was my river of eternal life and love and suffering. 

I climbed down the couch and stared at the ceiling with her.

''Do you love Nikolas?''

''No.''

''Do you love me anymore?''

''...no.''

The silence that followed broke my heart in a million pieces.

''Kyros?''

''Yes.''

''Yes, you fucked him, or yes, you love him and you're going back to him?''

''Pelle, you're making it more difficult than...''

''IT IS DIFFICULT!" I screamed, smashing a lamp down with an incredible crash sound. ''Tell me everything, Amara, and then you're free forever.''

She stood there on her back, shedding a tear, as I laid my bare skinny back on the wall.

''The kid was not yours.''

That was the point in which I died. I died, a million times over in a second. It was all ruins now, burnt the house, burnt and miserable and dirty our past and present, and our future killed in the womb.