How It Feels To Be Lost ♠ Kellic

How It Feels To Be Lost

The days passed and Victor was confused where he stood on. He, on one side, had his left foot in hell. The headaches, the fevers, the sudden rage outbursts, the awful churning on his stomach, the fact that he couldn't sleep for shit, it all was hellish. Victor was so annoyed at the withdrawal, so damn tired of it too. He craved heroin so bad sometimes, he desperately wished he could get a fix as soon as possible and he fantasised about it more often than not. His cravings got so bad that he started hating it.

On the other side, he had his other foot in heaven. Kellin was a whole other person. Not really, his sense of humour was still just as shitty as it had always been but Victor had never felt as loved before. Kellin was most of the time with him. Rubbing his back when he threw up, cradling him close once he was done, kissing his forehead and always murmuring over how things would be alright, I'm here, I got you. Hell, even breakfast in bed, cuddles whenever Vic was up to it, letting Vic rant his ass off when he was raging, silent hair pettings with a tight arm around him when Victor wanted to cry and sob his lungs out... Things weren't okay but they would be.

So Victor couldn't really decide how things were going. Because, like it or not, Victor was being left in the dark. As much as Kellin was being openly affectionate and loving, certain aspects of him were still locked on a chest, wrapped tightly in chains somewhere deep in the ocean, maybe as a new fish's house; and Victor knew Kellin enough to see that something was or had changed. Some parts of Kellin were hidden away so hard from Victor that Kellin was turning blank and emotionless over Victor's eyes despite that little emotional moment in the bathroom after Vic threw up because he couldn't help but wonder if this is really who Kellin is? How genuine is all of this? Who is he?

So Victor tried to ignore his brain, tried to move on. He tried to let it go but how? He can't let go of this, he doesn't know who Kellin really is anymore. An asshole-ish boyfriend who hides Victor with all his might? The man who was jumping around like a kid when his favourite song came on, pulling Victor up to slow dance with him in the dark despite how fast and agitated the song was? The man who would wake him up with neck kisses or the man who would roll on top of him and shake him and whine until Victor was fully up? Was Kellin the man who pushed him away after a confession, after he sang Kellin a love song? Who called him a faggot, who blamed him for falling in love? Was he the one that wouldn't let Victor get up despite him having to do stuff, who would wrap all his limbs tightly around Victor, not letting him up from the couch because, his words, not Victor's, 'he haven't been cuddled enough'?

Who was Kellin, essentially?

A scared dork who messed up too big sometimes because of irrational fear or a selfish snob who didn't want to be alone, so he preyed on the easiest idiot out there?

Victor wouldn't know. No, he couldn't think about it right now. He couldn't try and figure this out when his body was melted down on the softest sheets, limbs lazily wrapped on his ex(?), soft little breaths and sighs escaping his parted lips as the man who troubled him so hard, so badly, let his lips press down on the skin of his neck, parting them, sucking ever so softly whilst his tongue traced the place over and over, teeth grazing Vic's skin gently but not too gently.

Victor wouldn't know. He didn't want to know. Not at that moment, at least. Fingers tangled on Kellin's hair, his other hand rubbing Kellin's shoulder too fondly. Kellin had left other little marks there, littered over Victor's skin in a way that made Kellin dream about the past, love the present, wish for the future.

He could never get enough of Victor. Ever.

Kellin began to trace his lips up, slowly, softly, lovingly, fingers curled over Vic's sides. Victor was always so small under him but now? His fragility made him even smaller and, although it was a little thing that Kellin used to adore teasing Vic for, now he despised it.