Ribs - bokuaka

Chapter 14

Bokuto left me in the car to grab us food, so I took the time alone as a chance to gather my thoughts.

At this very moment, I am more confused about Bokuto than I ever have been in the past. He was always so simple to me. We were close friends, and I cared about him a lot. So what if I couldn't help but notice how handsome he looks when he smiles? That's normal. But now it's so much more than that.

Now, every time I look at him I feel this overwhelming sense of comfort. When I am with him, I feel like I can take on just about anything. That's a very foreign feeling for me. I am the type of person to just go wherever life takes me. I haven't ever been too concerned with what I am doing, or who I am with. But with Bokuto that's different, I want to be with him. All the time.

I could spend my whole life driving around in his car and talking with him, I really could. I could listen to him tell me the same stories over and over again forever and I would never get tired of them. I would spend an eternity doing everything in my ability just to see him smile. That is simply a fact, one that I can easily recognize.

I know that, and I know I should tell him that. Word for word, I should recite that to him. I should get it through his head how much I want to be with him. I can't bring myself to, though. Don't get me wrong, I've tried, I really have. But I can't force the words out of my mouth. It's almost as if I am scared. Scared of putting myself out there, maybe. I rarely go outside of my comfort zone like this. But, what scares me the most is the idea that maybe Bokuto doesn't feel the same.

He says he loves me, and I do believe him. There's just this corner of my mind that is presenting me with all these what-ifs, and they're keeping me from telling him what I so desperately want him to know. What if he thinks I'm crazy for saying that? What if he doesn't feel so strongly? What if all this was just some kind of big mistake, and he's trying to figure out how he is going to tell me that he didn't mean it?

By the time Bokuto comes back, I'm hyperventilating. I don't think I have ever been this scared of anything before in my life. I watch as he throws our dinner to the side and comes over to my side of the car, pulling the door open and kneeling beside me.

"Akaashi? Hey, hey! What's wrong? Did something happen?" The look on his face sends a pang of guilt through me, I don't want him to worry about me like this.

I shake my head, squeezing my eyes shut and trying to force his pained expression out of my mind. I try to get the message across that I am fine, and I just need a minute to calm down. Between his frantic questioning and my struggling to breathe, it doesn't really make it.

"Hey, it's okay! You just gotta breathe Akaashi." I can tell he is trying hard to keep it together. I am about to try and tell him I am alright again but he gently pulls me from my seat and onto the grass with him, and I give up.

Carefully, he wraps his arms around me, rubbing my back and quietly continuing to ask me to calm down. I rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes again, focusing on breathing. I need to calm myself, for his sake.

Once he feels that my breathing is back to normal, he tries to slowly pull me away from him. I reluctantly allow him, wishing I could stay close to him like that just a little longer. "What happened?" He asks very cautiously like he thinks he is going to somehow upset me again.

"Nothing, I just let my thoughts get to me is all. I'm sorry." My voice doesn't sound like me. It's frail and shaky, I almost fail to recognize it at first. Bokuto only looks more worried, so I can tell he heard it too.

"Thoughts about what? Are you...," he stops himself. He looks as if there is something he wants to say, but it takes him a moment to decide if he actually wants to say it or not. "Are you wanting to go back home?"

"No, absolutely not." My voice returns to me, probably due to the shock of the question he just asked me. What had I done that made him think I wanted to go back home? That is the last thing I want to do. I have to tell him that.

"Are you sure? If you wanted to we could just-"

    I cut him off, "Bokuto, no." That is so painfully far from the truth. "Why do you think I want to go back? I wouldn't do that to you."

"Well, you just... I don't know. I dragged you out here, so if you want to go home we can go home." He looks serious. Does he not realize?

"Bo, I am home." That's all I say, but judging by the look on his face, that was enough.

He pulls me into another tight hug, and this time I return the sentiment. It isn't exactly what I wanted to say, but I think for now it works.

We sit there for a long time, just holding each other and leaning against the side of the car. Eventually, Bokuto pulls away once again to grab our food. I had forgotten all about it amid that momentary chaos.

We eat our meal in silence. Bokuto finishes before me, and I can tell he is waiting for me to be done so that he can do something. What, exactly? I do not know. I hurry to finish my food, and then turn my full attention to him.

"Akaashi, can I ask you something?" He looks hesitant. I nod in response and wait for him to continue. "Are we... What are we?"

For once, he asks me something that I had been expecting. I find that that doesn't make me any more prepared. Slowly, I inhale, trying to plan out my response to his question before I say it out loud.

"We're whatever you want."

"What does that mean?"

"Exactly what you think it means. We're whatever you want us to be."

The nervous look doesn't leave his face, and he doesn't respond this time. He just looks at me, seemingly trying to gauge what I am thinking. Instead of letting him agonize anymore, I move so that I am right in front of him, our noses nearly touching. "Bokuto, can I kiss you?"

His eyes go wide, but he nods. So I do. I kiss him.
Afterward, he just stares at me, completely silent. I stare back, taking in every single one of his features against the quickly setting sun. He really is the most beautiful person I have ever seen. Maybe, one day, I'll tell him that.