ALEXANDER POV
I run to the bathroom to hide. Pathetic. Stupid. I am. I cheated on John and I didn't even get to be the one to break the stupid news. I was going to tell him, I swear! I am a horrible boyfriend but... but, I didn't think he'd out us online. I'm worried about what's going to happen to him if his dad finds out and what the football team is going to think.
I am inside of the bathroom inside of a bathroom stall. Standing on top of the toilet and being careful not to fall in. I think I left my phone in the cafeteria. It doesn't matter. I'm just hiding. I don't know what else to do. John hates me. As he should. I would hate me, too. Ugh. This won't be forever, right? One day I'll grow up and this will be... forgotten? Unless it isn't. My whole life everyone will see me as a cheater because of something I did as a stupid tenth grader. Well, I deserve it for hurting someone as perfect as John. And for bringing someone as innocent as Eliza into it. So much damage but it was only a kiss. It was only a kiss. My face hurts.
I pinch my forearms as hard as I can and huff out my nose. Why am I so stupid? I could blame my past but I think that would be stupid. I decide I should try to explain. So, I hop off the toilet and get out my little notebook and pencil that I always have and I start to write,
'Dear everyone,
It's me, the boy you either hate or love or want to be. Well, now it's probably hate. Definitely hate. As it should be. But, I hope I can at least keep serious death threats away by sharing this explanation of myself. Yes, me and John were dating. Secretly. I won't say more about him, that's his information to share. Yes, I kissed Eliza. Yes, I liked it. Even though, the whole time, my heart was with my dearest, John. I am a horrible person for hurting him. But, if I had asked before kissing her, he would've said 'okay'. I breached his trust and now we're all out in the open. I owe him an explanation but I owed you all one, too... so yeah. Wow. I know. The popular football player and the obnoxious, yet charming nerd. What a pair we were. I miss him already. He deserves better. Eliza deserves better, too. All I really want to say is, I really regret it. Almost as much as I regret being born. If you want to bully me, I won't stop you. I just hope someone can help John.
Yours truly, Alex Hamilton~'
Why am I so stupid? Why do I want to hurt everyone? I would say I don't but look what just happened. Hurting people is all I can do. I guess I'm just not meant to have friends or a relationship. No matter how much I want it. I don't deserve it anything except pain.
new a/n: idk what was wrong with me cuz there was literally nothing happening to me but like those were my thoughts not alexander's.
