HYYH Notes 2

Finding My Own Place, Keeping the Places for Each Other

Namjoon
12 June Year 22

After our trip to the beach, we didn't call each other. I knew what everyone would be up to. Yoongi was probably cooped up in his workroom and Hoseok was going back and forth between Two Star burger joint and the dance room. Jungkook was waiting for school vacation to start, and Jimin had probably left Hoseok's rooftop room and returned home.

I was also trying to maintain my daily routine by working hard at the gas station. We all had our own life to live, and things that were urgent or important to us. As if nothing had happened, we were returning to our places.

From time to time, I remembered what Taehyung had said at the beach. To be truthful, I was often reminded of his words and tormented by them. His words also brought back memories of the village in the countryside that I thought I'd forgotten. On that stormy winter day, what had Taehyung••• no••• what had Jonghun wanted to tell me? If I had listened, would things have changed?

What did Taehyung want to ask me that day at the beach? Taehyung didn't seem like his usual self, looking serious and desperate. As if there was something he must do.

I didn't stay to listen simply because I got scared, not because I was reminded of Jonghun. I kept my distance because I didn't want to hear his desperate request and be put in the situation of having to choose either refusing or ignoring the request. The way I had always done.

I felt pathetic. With my head hanging low, I left work. Before I left the countryside that winter, I went to Jonghun's house. I had nothing to say, no apologies to offer, no truth to convey.

I just felt that I should. Maybe I wanted to tell him it wasn't his fault. To offer my condolences and share their grief. I didn't think it would comfort them in anyway. Maybe I just wanted to feel more at ease about it.

When I looked up, I saw Taehyung's graffiti by the bus stop. Taehyung had been arrested once for painting there. Even at the police station, Taehyung kept smiling and responding with guff, and got reprimanded by the police more because of it. I asked him when we got out of the station, "What are you so happy about?" Taehyung said, "There is no reason not to be happy. The weather is great, the graffiti turned out awesome, I ran like hell with you, and we got arrested together and got out together."

I laughed in disbelief, and seeing that, Taehyung laughed himself silly. I added then, "When something worries you, don't keep it to yourself. I probably cannot take care of it, but I can be a good listener."

And I meant it. For someone like Taehyung who was kind and down on his luck, he needed someone to lean on even if that someone was nobody like me. When I said that, I really meant it but it ended up being a lie.

I took out my phone. I looked for Taehyung's number. "You busy? There is a place we should go together."

The village in the countryside in broad daylight looked exactly the same. The old road signs, the empty road, and the stream flowing to the river. Only the season had changed. Taehyung got out of the bus and stretched. The bus left, kicking up dust. A scooter sputtered on its way to the part of the village with the rest area.

During the bus ride, I had told Taehyung about what happened. The delivery competition I was in to make a living, the accident on the day of the snowstorm, and how Taehyung was killed and how the village people had reacted to his death. Some things I couldn't tell him — how I ran away leaving my family behind and the last words of Taehyung.

Did I regret what had happened? No. There wasn't anything I could do. I didn't come back to apologize for the past. I came back to see for myself what it meant to have survived, the only thing that was on my mind when I'd left this place.