What can I do? | Merluca

Part 1

Andrew was looking at Meredith. She was lying in their bed, facing away from him. Something was wrong and he didn't know what.

He had already noticed it the evening before. She came home late, and she seemed angry. At first he had assumed that she had just had a bad day at work. He knew that they had had some kind of board meeting earlier. But this was more than just a bad day and he couldn't imagine that the meeting was what made her feel that way. Then for a minute he thought that he had done something wrong, because she didn't talk much to him. But other than that she hadn't given him any indication that this was because of him. On the contrary. When she laid down that evening she got into his embrace. She accepted the comfort he offered her.

He had asked her what happened but he didn't get an answer. And he knew better than to ask a second time. Instead he pulled her a little closer. And she let him. But knowing that something was clearly wrong, worried him.

And when he had woken up this morning, he saw something different in her eyes. It wasn't anger anymore. Just pure sadness.

She had helped the kids to get ready for school. Forcing a smile for them, pretending to be fine, so they wouldn't notice. Andrew knew how much Meredith loved her kids and that she would do everything to be there for them. So, it was no surprise for him to see that despite how she felt, she still got up and helped her little ones to get ready in the morning. He had offered her that he would do it. She dismissed it, because no matter how she felt, she would always want to be there for them.

But, he knew that she wasn't okay, because that look that he had seen on her face when she had woken up… He had never seen it before. And that… that worried him, because he had no idea what was wrong and worst of all he didn't know how to make it better for her.

As soon as her kids were on their way to school and daycare she went upstairs again. A small "Thank you" when Andrew said that he would take them to school was the only thing she said to him that morning.

When he came back, he found her lying in their bed again. On his way to her, he had gotten a call from Amelia, asking where Meredith were. Apparently she hadn't even called in sick… She seemed to be too far away with her thoughts. He let Amelia know that they both wouldn't come that day.

And here he was now. Not knowing what to do. She didn't answer him when he had asked what happened or what he could do. Not last evening and not this morning.

And now. Now he was trying to figure out how to help her… He sat on the end of the bed, looking over at her. His right hand was lying over the cover on her leg. To give some comfort. To her? Himself? He wasn't sure.

She was cuddled in the blanket up to her neck, only her head being visible. She was starring at the wall, not sleeping. And seeing her like this, he wondered if she even slept at all last night.

A wave of guilt overcame him at that thought. He should have noticed. He felt like he should be able to help her. But how could he if she wasn't talking to him. For a moment he thought about calling Amelia again. Maybe Meredith would talk to her.

But before he could think about it any longer, he heard Meredith crying slightly. And if it wasn't so quiet right now, he wasn't sure if he'd heard it. And almost out of instinct he got up and laid down beside her on the bed, trying to embrace her again as he did the evening before. She was turning around a little, so that she was half facing him now. He wasn't sure if it was her or if it was because of his embrace, but he took it for what it was. Because she accepted his comfort. She wanted him to be there.

"Mer.." He whispered worried, when he felt her shiver slightly. He noticed that the crying had gotten more.

"Mer... What can I do?" It was just about a whisper. He said it more to himself. He didn't expect her to answer him now. But this seemed to get through to her. She looked up a little, almost unnoticeable.

"Can you just stay here?"

He noticed how broken her voice was, and he had never heard or seen her so vulnerable before. And instead of answering her he just embraced her closer. Holding her for as long as she needed him to.

And so he held her, because it was the only thing he could do right now, while she was silently crying in his arms. Hours went by when he felt her drifting off to sleep. And part of him was relieved, because it was the first time this day that she looked… almost peaceful. He knew that this wouldn't last long. Because whatever made her feel so sad, would still be there when she wakes up again.

He held her a little longer. Looking at her. And just hoping that it would get better. After some more moments he turned around to get his phone. Carefully. So, he wouldn't wake her. He called Amelia. He asked her if she could take the kids for the rest of the day.

Meredith slept for almost two hours, and he stayed with her for the whole time. Just holding her.

She looked a bit better when she woke up again, sadness still lingering in her eyes. Red, from the crying. But she was more present again. She sleepily looked up at Andrew. Blinking a few times before completely opening her eyes.

"I'm sorry." It was almost inaudible, but he had heard her.

"Hey, it's okay. Don't apologize." he softly answered. Because despite the fact that he was glad that she was talking to him again and that she seemed to be just a little better, he didn't want her to feel bad about this. He wanted her to know that he would be there for her.

She had closed her eyes again. And they laid like this for a moment longer, before Andrew tried to talk to her again.

"Why don't we go downstairs and I make you something to eat? " He asked carefully. He already knew what her answer would be, but he noticed that she hadn't eaten anything since lunch yesterday. And he was worried about her.

"I'm not hungry."

"I know, but you need to eat something, Mer." He slowly caressed her cheek, after putting some hair that was covering her face, behind her ear. She didn't answer him and so he decided that he would just make her something, because sooner or later she needed to get some food.

"Okay, you stay here and I will look what I can make you. I will be back." His hand was still on her neck, his thump stroking over her cheek. He leaned over to give her a small kiss on her forehead, before he stood up and went down into the kitchen.

He made her some pancakes. They were easy to make and didn't take long. But, most importantly, he knew that Meredith liked them very much.

Andrew went upstairs again. When he got into the room he saw that she had closed her eyes. Her breathing was even and it seemed like she had fallen asleep again. And from how he had seen her today, he was almost sure now that she hadn't slept all night. And so, he decided to not wake her up. Instead he placed the plate with the pancakes on her nightstand and then got to his side of the bed. This time sitting down next to her sleeping figure, leaning against the headboard.

He loosely placed his hand on her shoulder, caressing it from time to time. He felt helpless, not knowing what to do, how to help. And to just be there seemed like it wasn't enough. But he was old enough to know, that sometimes there isn't really anything else he could do. And that was hard. It was hard for him to see her like this and to know that there was probably nothing he could really do.

Half an hour later she had woken up again. She didn't say anything, but he felt how she slowly turned around, so she was facing his side again. She had looked up to him, when he placed his hand on her shoulder, like he did before. And then she moved a little closer to be in his half embrace.

Some time passed, of them just being next to each other. Andrew leaning against the headboard, having Meredith lying curled up next to him in his arm, while caressing her back and shoulder.

He tried to get her to eat something again. He knew that she wasn't hungry and he couldn't force her to eat, but he at least wanted to try.

"Mer, please. Just a few bites. "

"Andrew." She almost pleaded. It was her way of letting him know that she didn't want to eat.

"Okay. But, can you please drink something? " He asked her softly, while stroking her hair.

He didn't get an answer, but he felt how she slowly distracted herself from him. For a moment he was afraid that he had pushed her too far. But then he saw her sitting up . Leaning against the headboard beside him, so she could drink something. Andrew leaned over to get the glass of water he had brought along with the pancakes earlier and handed it to her. She only took a few sips. It wasn't much, but it was something. And he somehow felt relieved, despite the circumstances.

Meredith gave him the glass of water back, which he placed on the nightstand, before she let herself rest against him. He put his arm around her back, letting his hand rest on her side, tugging her into him a little closer.

They were sitting like this for a moment. He was once again holding her, but if this was the only thing he could do right now, if that was what she wanted, then there was nothing else he would rather do. He just listened to her breathing. It was so quiet and even that he almost thought she had fallen asleep again.

...

"Lexie." It was so small that Andrew wasn't sure if that was what she had said at first.

"The board meeting – the flight company of the plan crash… when Lexie died... They want to sue the hospital – some other case. " Meredith tried to tell him what happened, not being able to form a whole sentence. He couldn't quite make out, what exactly she wanted to say, what happened at the board meeting in detail. But he had heard about the plane crash before. And he could only imagine how hard this must have been. He knew that Meredith had lost her sister that day. And this meeting yesterday must have brought back a lot of memories.

He squeezed her a little tighter. He had so many question, not only about the plane crash… but especially what happened at the meeting that threw her off like this… She had told him about Lexie before, not much, but a little. And he knew that it was hard for her to talk about her sister. About all the people she had lost. But he had never seen her like he saw her today.

But this moment didn't feel right to ask all these questions. And instead he just listened to her, while holding her in his arms. She calmed down a bit and he felt how her breathing became more even again.

"I'm sorry, Andrew. I usually don- I don't know why this made me-. I just-" she stopped for a moment, looking into the room. "I just feel sad."

"Mer, you lost your sister you're allowed to feel sad. " He knew that this wasn't how she usually reacted when memories of the people she loved and then lost came up. This was different, and he didn't quite know why. And he was almost sure that she didn't know either. But he wanted her to know that she was allowed to feel sad. And that no matter how she felt, he wouldn't judge her for it. That he would always be there for her.

…

They must have fallen asleep at one point. Because the next thing he noticed, was when he woke up in the night. He slowly turned around. And when he looked over at Meredith, he saw out of the corner of his eyes that she had eaten the pancakes. And a little smile appeared on his lips. Not because of the fact that she had eaten them, but because it meant that she felt a little better when she did. He turned his gaze back to her sleeping figure next to him. He looked at her for one more moment, before he drifted off to sleep himself again.