The patience of the Universe

Another contract-13

So, I made that offer and she was not only very surprised but also very worried about her being not a graduate and never having done such a big project. After I assured her that she would get all the professional support and could leave for her education as soon as her part was finished, she said yes. So we did another contract, this time no secrets but a proper work-agreement.

After it, I was watching her from afar how she was blushing under the gratulations of the office and finally she wasn't here as the bosses fiancé but as someone who had contributed greatness to a project. I was hanging like an addict on her voice, how her happy melodic voice was sounding through the office. Everything was more beautiful with her here, the light falling though the big windows of the conference room, the little dust particles hanging in the air and making my surroundings seem unreal, like i was caught in a little fairy tale.

The next weeks went even busier than the former ones, Eda was pretty caught up in the project, still arriving before everyone else with even more progress of her work than the evening before, so i knew she must be barely sleeping. She was covering up her dark eye circles but I was seeing them, how she was emptying one cup of coffee after the other. Our eyes were meeting without any reaction from her side and at one point I gave up inside, my feelings were not mutual. I accepted. Holding to her presence for this borrowed time. 

And God my feelings were unignorable, I was missing her the minute she was out of my sight, I had settled for this bare minimum, enjoying and soaking up everything right now, especially her voice, how she was bringing the whole office to laugh and her endless lists of plants and their little tales and what they liked and how they would react to the sun and wind. 

I would walk casually to her desk when she left for coffee or a meeting to get a track of her scent, to see her scribblings and just feel her presence through the chaos on her desk. I was a train wreck. Half my time I was imagining myself in one of her gardens, roads with cherry trees and terraces overlooking a beautiful valley. I now, knew that I wanted to live in a world she had created and that this was never gonna happen...

We had various meetings with Selin where I had the chance to talk to her in private, she was always lingering around so we would be the last in the room, always trying to be alone on the way to a meeting, her expectant glances always on my side profile, I was feeling that it would only cost me one word and she would come running but I did not want her to come. 

Now, all that I thought was logical with her, made no sense at all. We never were a good match, beside the fact that I obviously never loved her, thought I could live without love till it hit me that bad that I was barely able to lead my life without hearing Eda's voice, even if it was from distance. Selin and I was not making sense, before Eda came into my life I was going to ruin my and Selin's life, I was never intending to give her what she was needing, and she was taught to never ask and settle for whatever I was gonna offer. We would have lead a miserable life, I had no right to take her down with me. The holding was not worth it to make us both unhappy. I needed to let her free so she could go and live her life. My engagement scam was again one of my egoistic games and I didn't know how to get out of it, how to tell Selin that there was never a chance for us and tha she needed to let go too!