Corpus Civilization

Azerbaijan

Exhaustion ate at her bones. Why, oh why had she taken an all-nighter? It's been more than 24 hours since she had last slept, and it was clearly taking its toll on her. Fifteen-year-old kids should have no need to stay up over 24 hours. Not yet! Not until college!

Dragging herself from her chair as the final bell rings takes the last specks of energy she has. She doesn't even have the will to breathe anymore.

"—Zara? You alright?" her teacher's voice rings in her ears and she looks up to see that the class is empty, the two of them the last people. "How long has it been since you last slept?"

"...I have no clue, Ms. Behairy."

The teacher, the older sister of Zara's best friend, leans close. "Why have you not been sleeping?"

"Work."

"Work?"

"Schoolwork." She clarifies, mustering up enough energy to send her a smile.

"Oh, dear. You should sleep when you get home, then." The older woman sends one back, only to frown as the student begins shaking her head. "Why not?"

"I have to squeeze in some last-minute studying for my two cumulative tests tomorrow. Among some other things." the smile wavers, visibly shaking before completely dropping. Zara lowers her head, but the teacher's eyes miss nothing.

"You have to sleep first, Zara." her teacher croons and the student listens, but doesn't let the words affect her. She knows she can't sleep yet.

"I'll see what I can do, Ms. Behairy." standing up from her spot to indicate that no further comment will be made on the topic, Zara shoulders her backpack and backs away from the teacher, whispering a small goodbye to the older woman before leaving the room.

Less than five minutes later, Zara's outside, the fresh air welcoming her with a slap to her face like it hates her. She tries her best to keep her eyes open, and the wind helps, so she doesn't curse at it much. Looking towards the parking lot, she spots her mothers' car, settled into the crowd of other cars. She doesn't know how she ends up near it, all she knows is that the next moments are a blur and all she knows is that they are finally home.

Her body is like lead, heavy beyond imagination as she gets out of the car and heads inside, dropping her backpack on the couch before dropping down there as well.

Her mother follows behind her, chiding her as she drags her upstairs by her shoulders. And she realizes that she's gone numb, has been for a while now.

She just didn't notice it.

But now she does.

When no emotion rises after her mother's little insults that she doesn't realize she makes, she knows. She's not feeling anything.

Absolutely nothing.

So she lets her mother drag her upstairs and she allows herself to be dropped onto her bed and be tucked in, her mother's constant chatter tuned out.

Only her last words ring in her ears.

"You have to study for your tests today too. I'll wake you up soon."

And then her eyes slip close and she loses consciousness.

***

Shaking, shaking, she's shaking, why is she shaking?

Her eyes pop open and the first thing she sees is the clock hanging on the wall. The clock whose hands hang too far, much too far than they should be. She sits up, ignoring the ache that spreads like wildfire, pushing past her brother—who had come to shake her awake—and rushing into the bathroom.

Her eyes try to slip close, but she keeps them lifted and soon enough, there are tears running down her face.

At first, she's surprised, because why would she be crying over just loss of sleep?

But then she hears her heart, beating erratically in her chest, unable to slow down. Her emotions are back.

The tears drip down, dropping off her chin, quickly replaced by some more. Why is she crying so much?

She thinks back, remembering the clock once again. The hands that hung where they weren't supposed to, hung too far ahead, hung where they didn't belong, why could she not just wake up earlier? Why, why, WHY, WHY?

And the stupid tears just won't stop either and she wipes at them, messily swiping them all over her face and yet more drip down her face like there's no end to them.

She's never cried this way before.

Her heartbeat, her tears, the chaos ensued in her mind, finally takes over and she drops to her knees, thudding loudly but muted by her mind. It's too loud, too loud, too chaotic, where are her senses, where is up and where is down? The noise...

Clapping her hands over her ears does not help so before she knows it, her head is dropping against the tile floor, making contact with another loud thud. Over and over, she does it, lets that pain that bursts take over her mind, help her calm down so that she can get away from that place, that chaos.

It's not hard enough to draw blood, but there will most certainly be some sort of a bruise. Her breathing comes in short gasps, her mind finally quieting, and yet there are still tears dripping down her cheeks.

She holds her breath until she can feel her heart calm down and at last, the tears slow down until there are no fresh ones, only the old ones.

She picks herself up, numb once again as she washes her face. She looks at her face in the mirror, seeing without seeing, that her eyes are red-rimmed but she still looks decent enough. Smoothing down her hair, she steps away from those dark orbs that scare even her and turns away to open the door of the bathroom.

She walks down the stairs like everything is okay, everything is normal, because it is. That attack, or whatever it was, did not happen.

The stairs creak beneath her feet and yet no one comes down to greet her. She moves towards the dining room, where her stuff is resting in wait for her, the big window showing her the signs of the drawing sun and at the sight of it, she begins to lose it again.

Tears, out of nowhere, drip down her cheek once again but she ignores them. She has no time for them.

Settling into a chair, she grabs the first textbook on the pile, opening it up to study. But the tears don't stop and this time, there's the addition of a pounding headache, probably the result of her smacking her head against the floor.

But she doesn't care. It's time to study. She'll take care of herself later. Or never.

"Mom! Zara's crying!" her brother's voice hits her ears and she slips, the shriek startling her. She looks up to see her brother staring at her.

Rage fills her, tiny little embers glowing in her eyes and she opens her mouth, her brother flinching. The tears don't stop, but inside her mind, she scrambles for purchase, anything to help her out and keep her afloat. She can't submerge now.

Her mother's arrival is the last straw. Her hands slip, exhausted, and she falls, falls, deeper than she ever has. The chaos encases her, envelops her in its embrace.

And she lets it.

Her last thought is the answer to why she'd burst like this.

She'd been numb for too long.

---

by Jem