once in a lifetime

Chapter 6

As I wake up the next day I straight go to have breakfast. I'm so hungry and can't wait for a delicious breakfast. London already seems to change me, at home I never ate breakfast, or at least not that early wich for me 8am is quite early, but since I'm here I like a nice breakfast. As I walk into the dining room there is no one there so I just decide to get some cereals. I fill myself a bowl of coco pups and sit down. I stop myself from eating them before I have even started. All my hunger is suddenly gone. I can't eat one little thing, it will only make me fat and that's not what I want to be at all. I know it's crazy but I feel as if I would just get fat and ugly and there starts to be voices in my head telling me I'm fat and worthless. I just need to get out of here. I stand up and leave the hotel as quick as I can. I walk and walk till I'm far away from the hotel and finally take a look where I actually am. I recognize the hyde park some houses away and straight go there. As I finally get into the park I just sit down on a bench. I feel terrible and sad but at the same time I don't even know why I actually feel this way. There honestly is no reason. I mean why do I let myself feel this bad when I could just change it. Maybe that's the thing I can't just change it, it almost feels like a habit, like it has to be like that no matter what and that I don't deserve to be happy.

As I'm thinking I discover a man pretty busy looking, rushing throug the hyde park. He's on the phone talking to someone he apparently doesn't agree with. He looks completely stressed out and unhappy. Here we have it, another person who isn't happy at all. As he disappears behinde a tree a young lady caches my eyes. She looks pretty cool, like exactly that tipe of people that make London this amzing chilled out but still busy city I love and wich makes me happy. She's wearing a band t-shirt with some ripped skinny jeans and doc martens. Her smile covers her face which is pirced but looks really beautiful. She looks gorgeaus but all I can think of is: is her smile actually real, like is she truly happy? I tend to think that noone is truly completely happy. We are quite stupid, we human beings I mean. We always find a problem in everything and can't apprecite a almost perfect moment as it is. Just think of any problem you've got right now. I promis you that if you no longer have to deal with it there will be something new making you unhappy. That's just how it works. I think only if you are truly unhappy you learn that not everything is perfect and it will never be but hey that's good as it is. Yeah I want some things to change but you can't always get what you want. I have experienced some f**ked up stuff and I actually pretty much hate my life. But I hold on just in hopes one day everyting will be good that I get at least somehow what I want.

As notice I'm freezeing I realize I probalby shoudn't have left home with what I'm wearning for. Some black skinny jeans with some converse wich by the way are my favouret shoes of all time and a white shirt that isn't all cozy and warm but actually really thin. Stupid me. I get up and walk in the direction I guess the hotel must be but I can't remember wich way I came here. I hate how unoriented I am like it's actually bad. I could go into a store come out some minutes later and haven no idea wich way to go. I walk through the streets wich have beautiful white houses on either side. They probably have high ceilings and look gorgeaus almost a bit royal. I really wanna live in one of those hoses on day. It's a big diffrents to what I'm used to. I take my time, smell at the beutiful looking roses in the garden of someone and i might even take one with me. When I was little I always dreamed of my prince charming who'd bring me roses each and every day. I still haven't found him till now, but to be honest there is inuf time for that, even though I don't believe in prince charming anymore. I don't believe that there's this one person who is perfect for you. There can't be, can there?

As i finally arrive at the hotel again it is already about 5pm. The moment I walk in April runs up to me and cries "Where were you!" "Chill girl, I was just taking a walk" I reply, not really seeing her problem. "you could have at least left a message behinde" she says a bit calmer. "I'm sorry I never had to do that back home, and you could have just texted me my phone's always on'' "What do you thik I did? I'm not stupid but you didn't reply." "'That's becaus I didn't get a text", I say, while I searched for my phone to proof her, but I can't find it. I get a bit panicky and run off to my room to find my phone laying next to my bed. I check it and see about 10 messages from April. "I'm so sorry", I say, really meaning it. "It's okay, just never do it again, I was really worried" I smile at her, because she is the first person in so long who actually cares about me, or I believe she does. I look at my phone again and see I got another text from an unknown number...