Thanks to You

What the hell am I doing here?

    It had been a month since I first found the 'Gaskarth' music shop. For some reason I couldn't stay away from there! I would go there everyday on lunch break at school and sometimes even in the afternoon afterwards. Alex was always so happy to see me and it made me even happier. He would either be waiting for me behind the counter, or on the front steps holding our lunch.

     By this time we were close, I considered him my best friend. Sadly, I had one thing that always ruined my happiness. Max. I could barely speak a word of Alex without getting hit or screamed at. I just wanted to crawl in the corner of the music shop and hide. Occasionally Max would pick me up from school just so I would stay away from Alex, and I didn't dare tell him about our lunches. I knew that would be a mistake, and I was afraid.

     It was Monday and I was spending the afternoon with Alex, again. I had been helping him restock the shelves when he called me over. "Summer? I need your assistance." He said peeking around from a book case. I smiled and skipped over, "What now?" I asked in fake annoyance. He just smirked, "I can't reach the top shelf, can you help me?" He asked pointing upwards. I furrowed my eyebrows, "Al, I'm four inches shorter than you. How am I supposed to help?" I asked. He smirked, "I have a plan of sorts, do me a favor?" He asked. I bit my lip, "Your plans suck Al." I laughed. He frowned, "Just close your eyes please." He begged. I shrugged and closed them as he said. I heard him laugh and before I knew it his head was between my legs and lifting me up. I squealed and open my eyes, wrapping my hands in his messy hair to keep from slipping. He stood erect and I was balancing on his shoulders. "You're sneaky." I laughed shaking my head. "You have no clue Green." He chuckled. "Okay, so I'm going to hand you these CDs and you put them on the shelf. Got it?" He asked. I nodded, "Sure Gaskarth." He smiled and started handing up CDs in bunches of four.

    We were just finished with the CDs and started messing around. "Gaskarth if you drop me you're dead!" I laughed as I clung to his shirt. He laughed and spun faster, causing me to become dizzy. Unexpectedly our sharade was interrupted by a cough. Alex and I both spun around to see an unhappy Max leaning against the wall. "Oh, hey Max." I said nervously. "Sorry to interrupt your fun, are you ready to go home?" He asked with an emotionless expression. I slowly nodded and Alex lowered me to the ground. He held my hand, "See you." He said sympathetically. I gave him a faint smile and released his hand to pick up my book bag. Alex knew I was never happy with Max, and he hated it. He hated the way he pulled me, and he hated having to let me go with him, alone.  Max roughly wrapped his arm around me and lead me out.

    We pulled up in front of my house and walked around to the back door. My parents were out on a date so it was just us two. "You need to stop being so friendly with that guy." Max said as we stood in the kitchen. I  ignored his demand and continued washing the dishes. "Did you hear me?" He said sarcastically. I was afraid to answer him so I kept scrubbing in circles. "Hey!" He said grabbing my shoulder and spinning me to face him. I kept my eyes down, "I'm not joking Summer." He said sternly. Unsure of what else to do I nodded at my feet. "That's better, now give me a kiss babe." He said lifting my chin. I tore it away and he smacked my cheek hard. I folded onto the counter holding my face. "One day you'll learn Summer." He growled and left slamming the door behind him.

     I bursted into tears, and ran up the stairs to my room. I locked the bathroom door and grabbed my razor before leaning over the side of my tub. I gave up trying to see through my teary and blurry eyes as I pressed the cold blade to my hot skin and slid it. I cut multiple lines before giving up. I felt the warm sensation running down my arms and cried. Alex knew nothing about my harm, and I hoped he never would. I knew how much it would hurt him to know I was hurting myself. I wiped my burning eyes and walked to the sink making sure not to drip blood on the floor. I winced as the cold water ran over the wounds and pulled out an old towel to dry them.

    That night I cried myself to sleep like so many other nights. I wished that Alex were laying with me, telling me it would all be OK. Another part of me was glad he wasn't there, just to save him from the pain of seeing me like this.

    "Hey gorgeous, ready for lunch?" Alex said greeting me with a hug the next day. I nodded and hugged him back, while pulling down my jacket sleeves to cover my marks from that night. He cocked his head, "What's with the jacket?" He asked. I shrugged, "Cold, can we go in?" I asked trying to change the subject. He smiled while wrapping his arm over my shoulders as we walked in to the shop.

    "Sometimes I just think 'What the hell am I doing here?'" I half laughed. Alex frowned and stroked my cheek, "What's wrong Green?" He asked. I scooted across the floor and leaned my head on his shoulder, "I just feel alone." I admitted. I laughed and shook my head, "I sound so cliché." I said. Alex shook his head, "Its not cliché if it's true Summer, you know I'm always here for you right?" He asked resting his head against mine. I nodded but didn't speak. He tried to comfort me by rubbing my arms but I flinched as his hand hit above my new cuts. "What's wrong?" He asked confused. I shook my head and leaned away, "Nothing." I mumbled as I tugged my sleeves down further. "What's wrong with your arms?" He asked more intently. "Nothing I've got to go." I said starting to get up. Alex frowned and grabbed my wrist lifting up my sleeve. His face went pale and his big brown eyes looked panicked. "Alex dont- How long?" He said cutting me off. I frowned and slumped back down taking my jacket off completely. He sat back and looked me in the eyes, "How long Summer?" He asked again.

     I tore my eyes from his, "Only a year." I whispered. "A year? And you never told me? Does Max know?" His voice cracked. I hurried closer to him and took his gentle facve in my shaky hands, "I was afraid. I didn't want you to know because I knew you would be upset. I wanted to tell you so much but I didn't want to scare you." I whimpered. "A year?" He repeated. I nodded and he jerked me into a hug. "I'm so sorry Summer." He whispered into my shoulder. I hugged him back, "Why are you sorry? You didn't do this." I said comforting him. He pulled back with his eyes brimming with tears, "But you felt like you couldn't tell me! That means I'm not a good enough friend for you to trust me." He said shaking his head. I hugged him in tight, "That's not it at all Alex! You're my best friend! I was just trying to protect you." I explained. "You need to promise me Summer, promise me you will never do this again. I can't stand knowing that your in pain." He begged.

      I looked down at my arms and then back up to him with my eyes full of salty tears. "I can't, I'm sorry but I can't promise that." I said shakily. He bit his lip and searched my face for an answer that he didn't find. He nodded to himself, "Fine, then don't. Just promise me you won't keep things like this from me. Promise you will tell me when you're feeling alone or when your hurting. I don't want to lose you to this, not ever." He compromised. I was so shaken and so scared that all I could do was nod because I knew if I tried to speak I would lose it. "Cmon, I'll take you home cause you don't need to go back to school right now." He said picking me up off the ground.