sunshine

five

                                              five : girl in the mirror

       "I'm going back to work tomorrow O, you're going to be on your own for a little bit this week, hun." My mother reminded me as she pulled into the drive-thru of her favorite Starbucks. "What will you have?" She paused to look at me.

       "A green tea, unsweetened." I tried to add some enthusiasm.

       She crinkled her nose up, grunting an audible "yuck," before turning to the speaker box, placing our orders. I watched out the window as she slowly pressed forward. For some reason, I noticed the weather today, the skies were clearer then they had been the passed couple days. I thought back to yesterday when the surf instructor mentioned the lack of sun, I even wondered if he had any luck today, gathering and drawing in prospective clientele. He definitely provided an interesting pitch if he followed all the beach goers half way down the coastline, too.

      The sky was suddenly replaced by a milky green beverage, that I certainly didn't order. My mother held a green tea frapp in front of my face, waving it in circles to grip my attention. I grimaced, shortly.

       Just my luck.

        I was stuck in a car trying not to panic about the calories I was consuming. I tried to look like I enjoyed the heavy, dairy, sugar-filled drink, despite the pain I endured with each minuscule sip. I thanked her, pathetically curling my lips, forming a smile, for her sake. I love her so much. 

      When you hate your own existence so much, when you cannot help that you're killing yourself slowly with each passing day, when you are absolutely sure the next day will be your last; something happens. You tend to latch onto something, then you project all of your ever-diminishing love and the little happiness you can manage to muster from the very pit of your pathetic excuse for a heart and you give it to that thing. And that thing, is what keeps you alive. Even if it's just for a little longer.

       She would never know how truly beautiful I saw her from my eyes. And even that in itself, killed me.

       I watched how she could gulp her own drink, with no draw backs, no guilt, she just purely enjoyed it. And that was something I hadn't felt in, well, forever. I stared down at my drink, my anger rising, my anxiety joining the party--just for kicks. I gripped it tightly in my hand. My stomach was pained, my throat begging for another sip, but my mind screamed no, you fucking weak fool. 

       "Something wrong?" My mother said coming to a sharp stop in front of the house. I hadn't realized how long I was stuck in my mind, drowning myself in my negative thoughts, and even now; the sky seemed two shades darker.

       I flashed her a quick half smile. "No mom, just still feeling a little sick I guess."

       "Was everything okay when you left your dads house?" She looked at me over the top of her oversized sunglasses. She knows that if she stares me down, it's harder for me to lie. I drew swirls in the condensation on my once frozen--now half-melted drink.

       "Not really, you know how he is. We argue about everything, he's always in my business." I stop short, to take a look in her unbelieving eyes. "School got rough you know." I finished off, sounding tiny and defeated. "I don't want to go back." 

       She let out a stiff sigh. "I'm sorry hun." She placed her cool, comforting hand on mine. I hadn't realized how hot my body was until she touched me, and like any mom would she jumped into doctor mode. She slapped her palm over my forehead, hurriedly concocting a diagnosis and remedy, "Let's get you inside and under a blanket, you're burning up." She pulled her glasses up, revealing her soft green eyes, burden with concern.

       I nodded, hoisting myself out of the car all in one motion. I stood against the pearl white sedan for a  moment while the colorful explosion of dots in my vision, that appeared when I stood up too fast, cleared. Before I could take another step, my eyes locked and fixated on the tall figure crossing the street, headed toward the beach, surely. He was clad in nothing but a black wetsuit, the top portion tied around his waist. I can't imagine he was on his way to the local library in such attire, but then again, I'm not from these parts. Maybe it was library appropriate in San Diego. And maybe I should stop knitting my eyebrows so tight together. 

       I reached up and physically smoothed out the wrinkles on my forehead before following my mother into the house. She immediately began shuffling things around in the closet, I walked up to see if I could assist, she looked like a giant heap of walking linen before I could offer a hand. "You know that boy?" She called from under the mass. 

       I heaved the pile from her arms into my own, meeting her eyes that appeared to still be curious for an answer. "Uhh, well--No. I met him."

       "When?" She asked eagerly, cocking her head to the side slightly. 

       I didn't know where this was going. If she was genuinely interested, just trying to make conversation, or budding in, but it was awkward, and it really wasn't as big of deal as she was making it. So I answered shortly "the beach," and made a B-line upstairs. I entered my dark room, threw the blankets on the bed, not bothering to flick the lights on and headed straight to the bathroom.

       I stared into the full length mirror on the door, disgusted at what stared back at me. A feeble girl, so frail and powerless. A girl so helpless that she controls my every decision. A girl that wasn't me. But she smiled back, evilly. I stared into her, clenching my fists so tight, my nails were digging into my palms. But that didn't scare the girl in the mirror. It encouraged her.

                                      ---------------------------------------

hello loves! i hope you're all enjoying the story so far, i know it's starting off slow. but SOON, things will kick off, promise. thank you for all the continued support, even after my extended hiatus. please let me know if you like the story, drop me a comment so i can tell you how much i love you individually. C:

dedicated to the lovely cataclysm_ for the new cover, which i happen to adore. 

- jewel.  (lavenderr_)