My Black Girl Magic

Tell All

My life isn't mine anymore. But honestly, when has it ever been? I mean I've been doing shit for other people for as long as I can rememnber.

Buying shit for ungrateful bitches that ain't never gonna be worth my stitches. Worth the pain. That I go through on a daily basis. 

Facing a sea of people that only care about what what I can do for them. Lucky them. Can't even the fathom the words that I articulate but claim that they gonna be the next best thing. Please, have a seat. 

My point is I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of being around pretenders. I'm tired of trying to be perfect ; Lord knows I'm far from it. I'm tried of acting like a hard, mean, bitch. Because if you really know me, you know  I'm the biggest baby out there. But you can't let people walk over you, right? You have to put up a brick wall to guard your heart, right? 

I'm tired of acting like I don't miss him. I tired of acting like I got over him. I'm tired of acting like he wasn't my first love. Like he wasn't my first heartbreak. I'm tired of acting like he's not on my mind every day. I'm tired of acting like I don't have dreams about what we could have been. I'm tired of acting like, when things go wrong, he's not the only person I want to talk to. Because he's the only person who could make me feel like the sun was gonna come out after the strom. 

I'm tired of not being the person I know I can be. Not being the best friend I know I can be. I'm tired of feeling like I'm going to get hurt. I'm tired of not being able to fully enjoy the trustest friendship I'll probably ever have. I'm tired of waiting for the stab in the back that I hope will never come. And for that Gabby I'm sorry. 

I'm tired of not being able to compliement myself. Not being able to give myself credit where its due. I'm tired of not being able to be proud of myself. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough. I'm tired of giving to people, who don't even bother to look my way. I'm tired of not being able to value myself and all that I've done.

I've had to hide my true self for too long. I've had to act like I didn't care for so long. Act like every side eye, whisper and rumor didn't take away a small part of me. I've had to act like I wasn't hurt for so long. I've had to hold my tougue for so long. Act like she was my friend and act like I wasn't being used. I've had to act like I believed in this facade that everyone seems to put on. Like I believed I had a group of friends that were truly ever MY friends. 

I  just want to be myself again. I no longer want to let people take advantage of me. No matter how much they claim to be down for me, I know the truth. Because I when I cut ties with one I should have cut ties with all. No one knows who I truly am. But is that really so bad? 

I know I've let the wrong people in. Let the wrong people know too much. Let the wrong people have my heart. Let the wrong people have my trust. 

But I will no longer make these same mistakes. I won't hold my true self back any longer. I won't care for those who don't care for me. I won't care about who gets hurt when I speak my truth.  

I know I will not make these same mistakes. I will not hold my true self back any longer. I will not care for those who don't care for me. I will not care who gets hurt when I speak my truth. I will be the best daughter, friend, student and person that I know I can be. I will treat and carry myself like royalty. The rest of y'all are just peasants to me.