2005, where it all began

2005 is where it all began

I was 9 years old when my mom called me fat. Shes called me other things but never fat.. Never something so insulting to what i thought was beauty.

I have never been so heartbroken in my life.. She didnt mean it... Did she? I cant believe she said that... I was so surprised.. So was ana.. We both worked so hard, we have been working so long; This is when all hell breaks loose.

I begin my new journey as a cutter. Yes my nine year old self has resulted in cutting.. Ana and i thought of it together.. I was so proud. I would show her, the ruthless bitch she truly was. I am beautiful, mother. And i will prove to you that i am.

At first my cutting wasn't so bad, it was only once a week -- Tuesdays to be exact. And as time went on it became twice a week, then four times a week, then it became so bad that i was cutting every day.

I had my methods though, i would only cut if i was bad. If i did something so horrible that i deserved to be punished. Eating was not allowed except for twice a day, Ana and I agreed it was for the best. Being less than perfect deserved a cut, but i wouldn't cut just once.. No i would cut four times the amount i was bad.

I wasnt going to waste away my perfectly trained body on something so stupid as "not getting an A" or "being late by 30 seconds"

No.

I Was going to be perfect. No. Matter. What.