My Story

Don't mind this emotional vomit

This is just for me to sort stuff out in my head. Read it if you want: I don't care. There will be swearing . You have been warned.

So... we're back here again. No one asked and I delivered: another post about my problems! Yay!

"What are fuckin talking about this time Gen?"  Said no one ever.

I'm so sorry this is gonna be all over the place. I'm trying to make it interesting for myself.

I have a problem with people. Not like I hate people, but I just don't socialize which is baaaaaad considering the state of the world rn: you'd go insane without talking to someone. I guess this is why I'm doing this. I don't fuckin know what I'm doing.

Back to a past problem: asking for help. I hate it. I don't want to feel weak and needy. And I don't want to bother people when they have better things to do than listen to me vomit my issues onto them (which is what I'm doing right now)

Why am I even talking about this? I had a breakdown Monday. Won't go into details but it did bring my self confidence down real low. 

So I'm sitting in my room frickin crying in the 10 o'clock hour. I'm debating whether or not to get help. 

It sounds so stupid saying it out loud. Prioritize the mental health first always.

I thought about texting friends and ask for help but then my problem comes up. I don't want to waste their time on me. I feel like I should be able to handle my problems by myself since they are, my problems.

On the flip side of that, I listen to a particular song every day and one of the lyrics are "hurt and grieve but don't suffer alone." 

Now I'm stuck in a weird spot of reaching out or not. I opt out of bothering a friend since it was in the 10 o'clock hour and those wonderful humans need their sleep.

So I'm texting CLT once again in the same week. If you don't know what CLT is then you either have your life together or you just have a good support system. It stands for Crisis Text Line and they help you sort out your crisis/ help you not make irrational decisions in the moment.

I get a counselor: Josh. He was really helpful and throughout the text messages he kept telling me that I wasn't a burden for asking for help. It's been a few days since the breakdown but that still resonates with me.

I remember all of my counselors's names and how they helped me. And that's my other problem: I get too attached to people. Like once I feel connected to you, you're stuck with me forever and ever amen.

Was there a point to this? I don't know. I think I'll stop vomiting emotional problems onto you guys. Did we learn anything? Yeah, I've have attachment issues and I can't take care of my mental health without feeling shitty when doing so. And that I'll remember your name even if I haven't seen you for a year. 

I'm listening to a guy opening Pokémon cards and the final thought that I'll end off on is that I would make a real shitty Pokémon.

Alright goodnight y'all