Words Left Unsaid

How do you really feel?

Tomorrow is a new day for both Moon Young and Gang Tae. 

Moon Young did not shed a tear that night.

As he lashed out at her, as he pushed her away, as he hurt her over and over again ... it all felt oddly familiar. It was like looking into a mirror. She had done this, herself, to countless people, over the course of her life, people who did and didn't deserve it. It was what those who were truly alone did. When you only have yourself to depend on, it's better to be by yourself than risk it all by letting someone in.

This is the problem with sadness and regret. You start off thinking they are selfless emotions, emotions you feel for others, or as a result of others. They are not your fault, they have nothing to do with you. But somewhere along the line, you wallow in your misery so much, these emotions consume your identity. They manifest themselves into becoming selfish.

I would know.

She understood him, yes, but that didn't mean she was unaffected by his words and actions. The way he made her want things, the way he made her feel... the way he had the power to hurt her. This would stop, tonight.

She walked into the kitchen to see the box of pizza on the countertop. She wanted to throw the pizza in the bin in anger, but starving as she was, she consumed most of it. She needed her strength for the coming days. She put the leftovers in the fridge and went to bed.

That night, she dreamt of her mother. It was almost like she summoned that woman. She welcomed the terror, the paralysis, the desperation. It was a reminder that she was a monster, she was not meant to live with others, she would just destroy everything in her wake.

She was the wicked witch in a fairy tale, not the princess. She was stupid to forget all that and go running after the prince, trying to lock him in her cursed castle. Everyone knew what happened to the witch in those stories.

Bad memories stay in your heart longer than good ones. The joy that this day started with, the memory of a perfect day with him, was only a hazy whisper when compared to the loud calamity of the rest of the day, the brashness of his rejections. She would forget this day, she would forget him and his miserable life.

Tomorrow would be a new day for Go Moon Young.

He didn't make it to Nam Juri's house until much later that night. After leaving the mansion, he stopped halfway down the hill and sat on the ground, oddly comforted by the dark, eerie silence and tall, imposing trees.

In this safe haven, he let the tears fall.

Like during most of his life's most vulnerable moments, he thought of his dead mother. He wondered if her sense of duty towards her sons consumed her, too. Whether she had any of her own happiness, outside of the two of them.

Whether there was a man after his father who bulldozed into her life and made her want more. Whether there was a person in her life who finally bothered to look and see her, the real her.

Yes, it was obvious to him that he had hurt Moon Young very badly. The one person who, somehow, seemed to understand him. She did not deserve this kind of behaviour. There was no excuse for it. He would have to apologise.

It was just that out of all the inconsiderate things he had done so far, he didn't know what exactly he should be apologising for. For being a total jerk on their date? For breaking off that earth-shattering kiss? Or ... for not being what she needs, what she deserves?

There were two ways to handle this situation. The first was to apologise for all he had done and bring this ... whatever they had ... to a close. Tell her he was a total mess, and that she deserved better than a coward like him. That would be the mature, responsible thing to do. God knows he had already hurt her too much.