Clearer

Chapter 3

"Mom, I don't want to go in there." I said as I looked into the main room with all the people.

"I know honey, I didn't either. But you have to one way or another. He is your brother. All those people in there are your friends, his friends, and our family. You have nothing to be scared of. You know everyone." She was trying to calm me.

"Sympathy." I simply said.

"What?"

"Sympathy. That's what I'm scared of. Sympathy and getting blamed. People are gonna come up to me, hug me, say they're sorry and it's not my fault. When we all know it is. If I didn't freak out on him for wanting to bail dad out of jail, we wouldn't be in this situation."

"Shut up. It is not your fault. He ran a red light. He wasn't paying attention. He was spa-"

"He was spacing off because he was thinking of the fight. He was mad. He-"

"Just go in there." She was starring at me deep in the eyes. I couldn't help but look at her wrists. The cuts were fresh. Maybe that's why she was in here so fast and not coming out to check on me. I was about to say something when I heard my name being called. It was a very familiar voice. The voice of my best friend of 11 years, Kylee.

I kissed my moms cheek and walked over to Kylee. She wrapped her arms around me so tight, I couldn't breath.

"Why didn't you call or text me back?" She said, lightly punching my shoulder, trying to lighten the mood.

"I didn't feel like talking to anyone. I needed time to myself." I said like it was a fact she should know.

"Oh.. right. I should've known that." She said looking down, obviously embarrassed.

"No, its fine." I giggled.

"So um, you doing okay?"

"Yeah. Most of the pain went away within the first couple days. Then the rest I just felt in shock and didn't feel anything."

"Oh, honey, I'm sorry." She started crying.

I started looking around the room awkwardly. I get so awkward when people cry in front of me. I don't know what to do. Then, I spotted the coffin. It was closed, not wanting to show John's damaged face. But, there were many pictures of him, by himself, with his friend, and with his family. I slowly started walking towards them. Everyone stepped out of the way for me, making a path. I felt a couple taps on my shoulder here and there, but I hardly noticed.

I finally got up to the pictures and started examining them. They started from when he was a baby. My dad holding him in his arms. Then a picture of him with his first birthday cake on his first birthday. Then a year later, there was a picture of John holding me when I was a newborn. He was kissing the top of my head. Moving on 4 years later, there was a picture of me and John holding Chris. It started going up from then. Every year there was a new picture. 21 in total. Every year on his birthday, plus the 2 years he held me and Chris. Some of his birthday pictures were full family pictures. Some I haven't seen in years. The one I was mainly focused on was the one on his 17th birthday. We all looked happy and healthy. It was odd to look at.

My mom had long, blonde hair. She now has it in an A-line and it is her natural light brown. Her eyes used to be so bright. So green. So cheerful. Now, they are sad, darker, not as motherly. I got most of her looks. Her nose, her mouth, almost everything but her hair. The boys got her hair color, I didn't.

My dad looked the same. Fake smile, fake attitude. Fake everything. His dark brown hair was longer and you could see the natural curl in it. His eyes are still the same dark blue. Still very squinty. He's where us kids got our hair. The curly, thick hair. The boys got his dark eyes.

John looked happy. He looked complete. He was trying to grow out a mullet that year. But we all made him cut it off. You could see it starting to get ringlets at the bottom because of the curliness. His eyes were squinted from him smiling so big. His head was stuck out and his teeth were showing. Even though his eyes were squinted and you couldn't see them, you could see the happiness. You can see the resemblance between John and my dad. They look like they could be twins.

I looked totally different. My hair was shorter. Only down to my shoulder. Now it is down to my mid back. It was it's natural color. Now I have red highlights in it. My eyes looked different. They were bright and happy. Brighter than my mom's, which was hard to beat at the time. They are still brighter than hers though. I still occasionally get called "bright eyes" by my family. It's a nickname my cousin gave me and it stuck.

Chris looked the most different then he does now. His hair was lighter. It was more blonde than brown. Now it's growing into his brown. His eyes are the darkest of all of ours. They are like a deep sea ocean blue. They are amazing to look at. His eyes are the same, but they are more blood shot then they were back then. He is growing into his looks. He is starting to look more like John and my dad.

I starred at the pictures a while longer. I went over to the friends pictures. Most of them were from parties. I was in some of them but not all. I didn't like those ones as much. I went back over to the family ones. I stared at one of just me and him from not that long ago. I felt my breath get caught in my throat. I covered my mouth with my hand to contain my sobs. I couldn't believe he was gone. I felt a hand patting my back. I didn't want to look who it was. I didn't care. I knew they were taller than me, so I nuzzled my head into their chest.

After I was done crying, I looked up to see John's best friend, Kayden. He started telling me how much he missed him too. Kayden was in most of these pictures. He was practically part of the family.

"Okay, let's let the ceremony begin." The priest said into the microphone. Kayden wrapped his arm around my shoulder and I wrapped my arms around his waist, hugging him as we walked to go sit with my mom.

When I looked up, in the doorway, I saw Luke starring at me and Kayden. He had a horrible look on his face. If I didn't know any better, I would say it was almost jealousy. He had his lip between his teeth, hiding his lip ring.

Why would he be jealous? We just barely met and he is kind of a dick. Besides, me and Kayden don't have anything special. He is practically my brother. Also, why would Luke get jealous, I just met him not even an hour ago. He was also flirting with me at my brothers funeral. Oh yeah, that's totally going to lead me on. No. He needs to back off. He shouldn't even be here. He has no place here. He needs to leave.

A.N: Ohh Lukes jealous?!?! Already?!?! Sorry it's taking so long to get out of this funeral thing. I'm not meaning to. I just can't think of any other settings at the moment!