Healing (Discontinued)

lost chapter?

(This was supposed to be after chapter 18 but I discarded this chapter because I thought it would be too fast. Also because this chapter is really intense I guess but I didn't think it was fitting to reveal everything all at once. Though, since I decided to stop writing or posting, I might as well give you guys this — or a summary on their ending.)

I scoffed. "Fine, do you want to hear me say it so badly? I left because I was selfish. I left because I didn't want any of you to watch the whole process of me losing myself. I left because I didn't want to hurt you or anyone else while I was hurting and I didn't want my mom and dad to watch their daughter literally die inside while she slowly kills herself all because she can't stand the way she looks, the way she acts, the way she talks, because she hates herself so much, that she'd put herself in so much danger so she had the slightest bit of hope that one day she wouldn't wake up! I don't choose to run away, Ryder. I can't control it!" Tears brimmed in my eyes as I begged for it not to fall.

He stood there staring at me, still taking in what I just said and although I hated myself for finally giving in and telling him how I felt, I could feel the weight that's been bringing me down being slightly lifted.

I turned away and walked into the dorm room with Ryder calling my name as I rushed to my room and locked it.

"Lili, don't do anything stupid." I heard his voice from the other side of the door.

I scoffed. "And why is that the first thing that pops into your mind the moment I lock myself in my room?" My voice cracked slightly from trying to prevent myself from crying.

"Because I know you." He said, lowly.

"I'm sorry, Ryder!" I cried. "I'm so sorry — I am such a horrible person!"

"No, you're not."

"I am!" I yelled.

"Fine!" He yelled back. "You are a horrible person because you left when everyone needed you! You left when everything was going to shit! You left because you're a fucking coward! Do you know how badly I wanted to leave?! I couldn't because I didn't want to be selfish! I was scared of leaving because I didn't want to be gone when you suddenly decided to come back — because you're all I have, Lili! You left me and that hurt me so badly to the point where I had to go back to therapy! I started having nightmares again because of you! So, yes you are a horrible person but that does not mean you get to run away from your problems!" He yelled angrily as if letting out everything that he's been keeping inside for 2 years.

"But it doesn't mean you're not a good person." He added, softly. "—and it doesn't mean that you have to suffer on your own."

I sobbed into my sleeve, trying not to let out any sound. Why did I hurt him so badly? That was what I was trying to avoid but — I ended up hurting him even more.

I took a deep breath and tried to compose myself — at least enough talk to him.

"I know. . .I said we should . . . try to do this on our own but," I gulped. "I can't do this on my own." My voice came out hoarse, willing myself not to cry but let a stray tear escape and fall down my cheek.

"Fuck, Lili." He sighed. "Open the door."

I slowly got up and hesitantly unlocked the door. My head spinning as I tried my best to control myself.

"I don't want to hurt you, anymore." I whispered, my throat dry. I leaned my head against the door with my hand resting on the door handle.

"I'd rather let you hurt me a thousand times than lose you again." He whispered back.

The air was thick with various emotions — anger, sadness, regret. The silence was so loud, I was afraid he wouldn't be able to hear me.

I bit my lip, fuck it, I thought. Slowly, I pulled the door open and faced Ryder.

"I'll always keep coming back to you, you know?" I say and he nods understandingly. "—and you always keep letting me get away with hurting you." He nods again. "How do you not hate me?"

"You make me want to stay. You hold me like you never want to let go. You talk to me as if nothing else matters but us. I can't ever love anyone the way I love you and I can't stand the thought of you treating someone else the way you treat me." He had tears in his eyes which made my heart shatter all over again. "I can't lose you, Lili. No matter how much you hurt me."

"I won't —" I took a deep breath and exhaled. "I won't leave you again. I promise." I wrapped my arms around him as we both fell to the floor while he sobbed in my arms — everytime his body shook, I felt a piece of my heart being torn apart.

"We'll be alright." I whispered. "We'll be alright." I caressed the back of his head, in the same way a mother would to her child out of sadness and relief.