Healing (Discontinued)

c h a p t e r • 20

I hugged myself in my sweater, sitting on the comfortable couch from across my therapist that I met when I first moved here. Aunt Levi basically forced me to see her because she was terribly worried about me. She's a really nice and understanding woman. Mrs. Ruby was a tall, tan skinned woman in her late 40's who had the type of aura that made you want to trust her with your life.

"Did you eat today?" She asked and I nodded. "Well, what did you have?"

"I had a piece of bread. It was nice, I guess. Other than the carbs and calories and — yeah, sorry." I said.

"It's fine. Before this you were doing a lot better, weren't you? Your personality seemed to have brightened a little and your eyes has a little sparkle in them. You're also glowing as does a pregnant woman of course." She laughed slightly making me smile.

"Thank you. Yes, I have been doing better but . . ." I sighed. "I had a relapse and now with the pregnancy, it's been harder to eat. Nausea and morning sickness sucks. I can barely eat anything without wanting to throw up. I even have cravings but you know with the thing it's all just . . .  frustrating."

"When did you relapse?" She asked.

"About two weeks ago." I muttered.

"And how did that make you feel?" She asked.

"I've just been really stressed out and baby daddy won't talk to me because he's upset with me." I said in a joking way even though it wasn't really something to joke about.

"Does he know you relapsed?"

"No, I don't think so. He's the only one who knows about my eating disorder but we've barely bumped into each other for him to notice." I say and she nods in understanding.

"Lili, my dear, I know you're trying so hard and I am so proud of how strong you are." She smiled and I gave her a half-hearted smile. "But if this situation worsens, we might have to turn to a rehabilitation center —"

"I'll keep it under control, okay. I . . . I'll make sure of it." I nodded to myself.

She reached out for my hand and held it in hers.

"Try to talk to him about this, alright?" She says and I nodded, smiling half heartedly.

We continued to talk for another hour or so until it was about 4pm.

I bid Mrs. Ruby goodbye before leaving her center and walking back to my dorm.

I stuffed my hands inside the pockets of my dark blue jacket with my earphones in my ears, listening to Mother mother walking down the wet street in the city. It just finished raining so there was the occasional droplets of rain and puddles of rainwater here and there.

The streets weren't very crowded but there was still cars stuck in the street and people either walking to work or walking home or just walking around.

As I walked, I would lightly kick the puddle of water and rocks in front of me.

Mrs. Ruby offered me some chamomile tea and biscuits earlier so I wasn't very hungry. She never forced me to eat too much, only what I could eat and in a way, it was really comforting to know that she knew I had my limits and she wouldn't push me. It sometimes made me want to eat more but I never understood why.

Before this, it was harder to want to eat or have the motivation to but now it's become a lot easier because I now have something to lose and a reason to fight this.

Tomorrow we're going back home and Ryder and I still haven't made up.

I sighed, passing by a the cafè I used to work at. I smiled before walking in to greet my ex-coworkers.