Lights Out

The Girl I Used to Be

"Do you know your name?"

A bright white light shines in my eyes. I try to blink, it hurts, but I can't do it. I open my mouth to say, "Of course I do, it's Edith," but my lips don't part. My throat swallows the words I want to say as that light keeps going back and forth.

"Do you know where you are?"

Cold fingers encircle my wrist, pressing gently on the inside skin. A moment ticks by and then my arm is put back down. I try to wiggle the fingers that feel like dead sausages but nothing happens. I thought I was home but the hard bed and poking and prodding mean hospital, I think. Why am I in the hospital?

"Do you know what day it is?"

Tuesday. No, Monday. Yesterday was book club and club meetings are only on Sundays, today is Monday. Something small and hard runs up the bottom of my foot and while it tickles, my body doesn't respond. It doesn't wriggle away from the stimulus, a laugh doesn't escape my mouth. I am still and quiet and the terror keeps building in my chest.

Footsteps as someone else comes up beside me. Another pair of cold fingers and another blinding light. "Any changes?"

"No, same as before. No dilation, no reaction to stimuli. There's still brain waves on the scan but there's no indication that anyone is in there."

I decide I don't like the original voice. What does she mean? Of course someone is in this body, I am in this body. Why can't I tell them that?

"Any family we can call?"

Yes, yes my mother and father. Call my mom and dad, they'll tell you. I'm alive, I'm right here.

"Yeah, parents but they live in Colorado. Do you know if she's an organ donor? If the parents decide to withdraw support her organs could save a lot of people."

Donate organs? No, I need those! I am alive, dammit, someone listen to me. Why is no one listening to me. The footsteps leave and I'm left with all these thoughts. Time seems irrelevant but something happened yesterday, didn't it? I went to book club, I had those awful tea sandwiches someone made, and then I went home.

But I never made it home. There was a road block on the highway...it was raining, couldn't see two inches in front of my car...the truck behind me never saw me stop. So this is a hospital. I'm hurt, pretty badly apparently. But I don't understand. Am I dead and trapped in my body? Am I in some kind of coma? Will I wake up?

A long time passed before I heard voices again. I didn't pay attention to anything touching my body because it didn't come with voices. I needed to hear someone explain this.

"Mr. and Mrs. Dannon, I am so sorry. Your daughter was in a car accident on the highway. She had multiple broken ribs, ruptured spleen, punctured lung on top of some minor contusions and bruising. We repaired the damage in surgery but she hasn't woken up."

Murmuring. So low I can't hear. They fixed me but I'm not waking up. I have brain activity but I'm not waking up. I may never wake up.

"There was activity on the scans but she isn't responding to our questions or to our exam. I'm afraid...I'm afraid she may never wake up."

My mom wailed, long and hard, and I know my dad is holding her. The wailing gets louder and I know they were brought into my room. I felt like crying myself.

"I'll give you a few minutes and then we can go over some options."

I have to wake up.

My daughter, my sweet Edith, is never going to be okay. I sat with her while Morgan signed the paperwork, unable to leave her alone. I held her hand, stroked her hair, and talked in her ear. Maybe she can hear me but maybe she can't, either. Maybe I'm talking to a corpse.

Fresh tears fell down my cheeks but it was quiet this time. I think I scared half the hospital earlier and even though I felt like I could do it again, I stayed quiet. Edith needs me strong and well for her.

At some point, my head fell to her bed and I drifted into sleep. I hadn't realized I was so exhausted, and when I opened my eyes Edith was staring back at me.

"Oh! Oh, Edith, you're okay! You're awake, honey, how do you feel?"

Edith swallowed painfully, her lips slowly coming unglued. "Like I got run over." She chuckled and then coughed, little tinges of red staining her lips. "I don't know how long I have, so I have to tell you this now."

"Baby, don't talk. Just rest, you're in the hospital. You have all the time you need." I try to brush the hair from her forehead but she pushes me away, her face determined and stubborn.

"You have to listen. You have to say it's okay for me to go, you have to say I can live on in you. It's the only way for me to live again."

"Edith, I don't understand. What are you talking about, living on in me? Like in my heart? Always baby, you know that."

Edith coughed again, more blood staining her pale face. "I mean it, mom. Say those exact words, right now. Please, I'm running out of time."

I said them, exactly as she said to appease my poor girl and then I was suddenly awake. Her monitors were going crazy beeping and Morgan was around me, then, hauling me away from her bed. I went silently, feeling not quite myself until Morgan shook me.

"Honey? Honey, are you okay? Why are your eyes green?"

I turned back to the body, watching them pound away at her chest but they were too late. Edith passed, and I watched as they closed her eyelids. They sealed away her perfect green eyes forever.

Morgan and I left the hospital.