Hope World

Tired (BTS)

Sometimes it is calm, the sudden onset of feelings; slow and steady. But like the turtle that won the race, his overwhelming heavy feelings win the battle inside him too. He can't feel anything as he sits there, overweight with emotion; he's unable to move or talk.

Sometimes it is violent, a rush of emotions that quickly suffocate him. His heart beats thump his feelings into existence, as if it is trying to win a race that he didn't even know existed. Sometimes he cries, sometimes he doesn't, most of the times he doesn't even remember what goes on.

There are times when he feels alright. He laughs and smiles with the others like he used to. But the heaviness comes back when he says something and nobody reacts. Then he swallows, shuts his mouth and starts counting the minutes until he can be alone again. His mind screams at him, telling him he should never open his mouth.

The others sometimes don't understand. They ask him why he looks sad. The question they mean to ask is why he can't function like a normal person. He can hear it behind the suppressed sighs and curious glances. And he smiles and tells them that he's tired.

Because he is.

And sometimes that tiredness, that exhaustion, takes him over and all he can think of is how exhausting everything is. His mind is sent reeling, his emotions go numb and he drifts through the day, attracting worried glances like mosquitoes. When the day is finally over, he runs to his room and sits in silence.

Sometimes he cries now. Not always, but sometimes.

When he does, things get worse than usual. Slimy, fat tears run down his face and the heavy feeling grows to the point where he feels physically sick. There is no way around it. When his body decides he is going to cry, he can't argue.

In those moments, he likes to be alone.

The sights out of the window provide nothing but comfort for him. Sometimes, he can see the sun - a blinding ball of light high up in the sky or near the horizon where it prepares to disappear out of view. The light hits his face, simultaneously cheering him up and knocking him down. In those complex thoughts of his, nothing has meaning. But sometimes glancing at the sun brings some peace to his mind. A small smile graces his face - the calm before the storm.

Then his mood darkens again. He can't breathe. His face falls into his hands as he sobs, his chest aching with every heave. There isn't anything he cries for anymore. He's crying for a salvation that will never come. Nothing will ever matter to him. He never deserved anything.

Deaf and blind to the world, he cries.

When he wipes his tears and is just about to get up, he hears his door fly open.

Light footsteps come pitter-pattering to the side of his bed, and soon enough, there are arms wrapping around his waist and chest. The other person's small hands gently rub his back and wipe his tears. He can hear a soft sigh of worry.

And then the quietest, sweetest, voice whispers, "It's okay Jin hyung. I'm here for you."

A pause and then, "Your Jiminie is always going to be here for you."

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559 words

next friday (or earlier): blood eagle