If i stay (short story)

Vulnerable

"I saw you at Sam's..."

"And?"

"You didn't looked happy. Is there something bugging you?"

"That's it?"

"Yeah i mean if I'm completely honest with you which i am, you looked like you didn't wanted to be there. Like you belonged anywhere but there. Is something going on with you that i dont know-that-you-might-wanna-share?"

"Nothing special." And i wave my hand like whatever, like it doesn't even matter. But he doesn't agree being the stubborn person he is.

"Why don't you tell people that you're not happy. That you're done forcing the smiles whenever they need to see it? It's about you al. You can't live life keeping things in your mind. Doesn't it get suffocating for you? When will you open up and let me know what it is? If not then atleast tell me why you don't talk about stuff, more importantly talk about you? And I'm not going anywhere without an answer. Don't you think i deserve this much?"

"Because I dont know how to be vulnerable B. I dont. I tried and I- Part of it is because i dont like being vulnerable. i feel like the more i stay away from feeling that particular way the more it remains as an indentity not ruined yet. If i show that side of me to the world, they will make it their own and I'll get left with nothing. Atleast now i have something i can call my own that no one or rarely anyone knows about. And I'm fine with just the way it is. You see this world will never be satisfied no matter how much you give it. I dont wanna lose every inch of me filling into something that has no endpoint. At times it gets compelling when all around you see the same thing. The world, it tells you to express yourself talk about stuff but the minute that you do it tells you to shut up. It's just a getaway to one more heartbreak. And i have no heart left at the moment. So please don't tell me that i dont feel things or I'm stone cold. I do...that's how I live life. Sometimes it feels like it's a curse i was born with, to feel and see things more than i want to. Because normally people just move on but i-i get stuck there while life goes on. I feed on the grief. Thats how poetry was born into me. When i got left with nothing I turned into the world that was inside me. I mean I had to after all that i told you. I don't know how to act. I'll feel you, I'll even understand you but i dont know what to say to you. Thats why i dont let people in my life so easily. The more people you let in the more they walk out. And I'm not telling you all this for sympathy or because I'm in a steal cage and i want you to show up as my knight in shining armour and rescue me. No-not at all. I told you all this because after so long i felt like i can open myself and no-one would take away anything. That if i cut open my cage and let out all the butterflies you won't be busy chasing them instead acknowledge the bravery i mustered to open the cage in first place.
And i believe that you'll do it. Because you were that someone for me that grounded me and proved to me that I'm still alive and I'm still here. As a way of feeling something. Anything. When i wasn't able to do that for myself. That's why i like to consider you as my first. Not just love, although that was a part of it, but the first to look past everything else into me. I told you all this today because one day this day will be the past, and i don't want to forget what i went through, what i thought, what i felt, who i was. I dont want to forget you.

But most of all, i dont want to forget me."

And in that exact moment i felt liberated like a weight finally got off of my chest and instead of giving away i actually found a piece to the puzzle called me which was quite unexpected to be honest. Out of every scenario i thought i might go through liberation was never on the list. But i did and I'm forever thankful to him for it.

He scoots closer to me and i could feel his warmth on my cold skin. As if i was sitting infront of a fireplace instead of this rooftop and there was no wind blowing. If i could i would stay like this forever. It was eternity in one single moment for me. I gaze into his golden brown eyes and i see a reflection of me. Me that was lost. Me that i constantly struggled to be. Me that was buried deep. But she was alive and i saw her. She was alive and i was looking at her-through his eyes. And if i could word it down which wasn't necessary-was it? Even in that complete silence his eyes were seeking a promise from me in a langauge nobody else can speak-"If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad or unsure or you lose complete faith you'll try to see yourself through my eyes." All i could do was look into his eyes and keep looking until I'm not able to differentiate the me i am right now and the me i see in his eyes.

"feeling better?", he asks.

More than i want to i say smiling knowing the newfound relief in me.

"Now don't overthink stuff and look after yourself, how many times I've told you. Dont worry you'll get through it. I know"
I just nod my head this time soaking in the silence and solitude i was in. ( wondering how long it will last this time)

"It's all in your head" he says
"So is everything"

But he never got it.

********