Falling For Seconds

Chapter Nine

I flipped the notebook to a blank page and started jotting down my thoughts wildly. I needed to be figuring out my grocery list for the next two weeks, but every time I tried to concentrate, my thoughts were easily consumed again with questions I didn't have answers to.
I wanted to just forget about Levi, but I knew that if I tried to do that he would just show up again. I didn't dare dive into my real feelings for Greyson. Why?
Are you afraid you might find that you can, in fact, live without him? The thought was horrible. I didn't want to be caught in a love triangle, but here I was corning myself because my choices had helped set
The pencil came in contact with paper and I started writing. Most of the questions I had , revolved around Levi.
I set the pencil down and examined the words I'd written except, there were no words on the page. A creased formed between my brows as I looked over what I thought I'd written but o Ku random scribbles filled the page. I must be going crazy without seeing my complicated man, but I guessed it was best that he stayed away from me.
I turned the page and tried again. The more I thought about my actions from the week before, the more I realized how out of line I really was. I had a guy who really loved me and I had had a perfect career path. In a matter of three months I had let my world fall apart. Maybe it was for the best or maybe it was for the worst, who really knew.
I didn't want to be what my parents wanted me to be. I wanted to be my own person, but the way they set things up in my life, how could I rebel? Maybe it was a good thing Levi came into my life, because if I hadn't met him would I really have considered dropping out of college and going against my parents? That was yet another question to add to the list.
My eyes scanned the new page but there were no words. Was I hallucinating? Was I so deep in thought I forgot to make contact with the paper at all?
I flipped to yet another page in the notebook and tried to switch gears by starting my grocery list. It should've been an easy task, but the way my brain was so out of sorts, anything normal was difficult. Even writing now, huh...
After sitting at the dining room table for another thirty minutes, I finally had finished what I initially sat down to do. I tore both the grocery list and the life questions from the metal rings of the notebook and folded them separately. I then stuck them both in my wallet, so I wouldn't forget either one of them. With my mind so befuddled, Lord knows I would forget my name if I didn't have a driver's license.
Before taking a shower, I checked the weather for the day. It was colder than usual as fall came to an end and winter anxiously awaited its welcome.
After dressing for the weather I grabbed my jacket and pulled on my shoes. I had successfully wasted the day and it was now the eighth day in a row that I hadn't gone to my college classes. It wasn't like me to skip out on things, but I found no use in what I was being taught. Therefore it was more beneficial to stay home. The choice I wished I had in high school.
Greyson still hadn't called much, but I didn't ask questions anymore. I didn't know how he was or if we, as a couple, were okay. After the day he'd stopped by while Levi was secretly over, I couldn't stop feeling a little shred of hatred when I thought about him.
I knew it was because he was so heartless towards other human beings that were somewhat less fortunate than him. Still, I didn't want to feel any kind of negative emotions towards the person I supposedly loved.
Back in reality though, I was stuck in a never ending cycle of love and hate. Levi was in my life for a day or two and then he was gone for weeks. I never knew when I was going to see him. Greyson was no better. He was always texting to schedule a date and turning around hours later to call and cancel. I didn't want to have to decide which one to cut off. Though I shouldn't have ever had two guys in the running for my feelings in the first place.
I paid the cashier and gave her a sweet smile since she looked like she'd had the worst day. She half heartedly smiled back at me as she handed me the last of the plastic bags. Successfully I had gotten all my groceries and not seen one glimpse of my mysterious friend. Did I really expect to see Levi at the grocery store? My mind envisioned him forgetting milk on his way home from delivering pizzas and stopping in to get some. My mouth pulled into a smile. I couldn't see him doing such normal and mundane things.
I laughed lightly to myself. The scene would be more manly like; after a long hard day of beating the shit out of people and selling drugs, Levi stopped by the grocery to get some Jack Daniel's, thinking it would be a great end to the day.
Yes, that sounded more like him.
The night was actually very beautiful even though all the leaves were on the ground and the sky was a dull grey. The city had a way of making things look attractive even when they weren't, just another reason why I would never leave. I clung tighter to my plastic bags as a gust of wind danced around me, sending goose bumps over my body.
When I had said earlier that I had wasted the day, I completely meant it. I had sat in the house all day doing absolutely nothing. Now, once the sun was setting, I was walking home from the only task I had attempted to complete.
"Excuse me," A man said as we collided.