sunflower showers - a denki oneshot book

💔 h e a v y 💔

!Trigger ⚠️ Warning!
Suicidal Ideation/Themes.
Self deprecating thoughts. Referenced self harm.

Kaminari Denki was the cheerful idiot of 1A. There was always a bright smile on his face, the smiley blond radiating cheerful energy everywhere he went without fail. Everyone was sure that he only ever really experienced happiness; with his seemingly perpetual bright and cheerful demeanor, how could he ever be sad?

He was always there for others, offering them a shoulder to cry on and a pep talk whenever needed. Little did everyone know that he similarly needed a shoulder to cry on or an uplifting pep talk here and there.

And he didn't have one.

•

useless
dumb
ugly
stupid

It was currently 03:00 in the morning, the sky dark and the world quiet as that seemingly 'happy' blond sat upon the dormitories roof, feet dangling off the edge. 

useless
dumb
ugly
stupid

No, it's not what you're thinking- he isn't killing himself. 

Yet. 

He just needed time away from his small, stuffy room that seemed to be filled with more darkness than the night sky. He needed a break, needed a breather. And dangling his feet from the top of a tall building was that for Kaminari.

useless
dumb
ugly
stupid

Those four words echoed throughout his otherwise empty mind, each echo feeling as if it was adding more and more weight to his soul.
He felt so heavy nowadays.
How would he ever be able to catch up with any of his classmates when he could barely drag himself out of bed anymore?

There was no escape. There was no way out.

Except for death, but we haven't gotten that far yet.

useless
dumb
ugly
stupid

He sat there until he saw the sun peek out from behind the horizon, signaling he needed to go back to his dorm before anyone else woke up. It'd raise a lot of questions if he were caught on the roof in the early morning, questions he knew he would struggle to lie his way out of.

With a soft sigh, the electric blond stood up before slipping his shoes back on and stepping away from the ledge. He always took his shoes off when he came up here, just in case that day happened to be the day he finally... gave up. For some reason, it seemed to be somewhat of a custom for people committing suicide to do so barefoot, especially when their chosen method is jumping. 

With one last glance at the beautiful pale pinks and oranges that painted the early morning sky, Denki began softly padding his way to his room. He was generally pretty good at remaining exceptionally quiet, the blond naturally being light on his feet, along with having already memorized each part of the floor that creaked for good measure. However, the heavy metal door that gave access to the roof was really loud when it closed, so Denki had to be extra careful when he re-entered the school.
Unfortunately, that was always a little difficult for him, the electric blond struggling with having to both use his electricity to disrupt the doors locking mechanic, while simultaneously pushing most of his body weight into the door to get anywhere near opening it- they obviously didn't want students being able to access the roof, but that never stopped Denki. Luckily for him, he managed to slip through the door unnoticed yet again- he hadn't gotten caught yet, and he never planned to be caught anytime soon. 

Once inside, he made his way towards his dorm with a silent speed that could only be this refined with lots of prior practice, and senses that were dialed in enough to his surroundings that he could give no more than a glance here and there and a listening ear in order to accurately assess if anyone was near. Within what felt like only moments, Denki was entering his room, an aching feeling of suffocating emptiness slowly trickling over him, one that all too quickly surrounded him in entirety, destroying any sort of calm he had felt back on that roof. 

useless
dumb
ugly
stupid

The blond slips off the faded Pikachu pajamas that he had practically been swimming in (didn't those fit him before?). Dull golden eyes catch a lonely mirror hanging on the wall, the blond pausing his activities to turn and stare at the person looking back at him. Empty eyes that he barely recognized anymore stared back at him, the brightness that once filled them long gone. Denki took this moment to scrutinize his reflection, picking out every single flaw he could find.

useless
dumb
ugly
stupid

He searched and searched and searched for something, anything, in his reflection that was at least okay. It didn't even have to be perfect! He had finally accepted a while ago that nothing about him was anywhere near perfect, and would never be, no matter how hard he tried. He just wanted, no, needed, something about him to be even just a little bit over mediocre.
But there was nothing he could find.

When that realization finally came over him, he had suddenly felt so much heavier, heavier than he had ever felt before. Oh god, he couldn't breathe, it was all so heavy- why could he only find flaws and imperfections? Yet another realization hit as his eyes scanned his reflection over and over and over; he didn't just have flaws- he was entirely made up of them. Every single piece of his entire being was just... wrong. 

Imperfect was an understatement.

A soft sigh escaped his chapped lips as he slipped his uniform on- they seemed a little bigger than normal, but he chose to ignore that. It was fine. He was fine.

fine
fine
fine
fine
fine
fine
fine
fi-

He tugged a hand through his golden locks in an attempt to ground himself. It worked... kind of. Well enough that it allowed him to continue getting ready. Denki made sure to be extra careful so he wouldn't reopen any of his... wounds, while he slipped on the rest of his clothes (blood was a hassle to get out of clothes), his eyes darting away from the angry red lines that littered his arms, stomach, and thighs.

Once fully dressed, Denki finished getting himself ready before finding himself back in front of that mirror. He smiled. Nope, looks fake.
He tried again. Looks too forced.

He did this for what felt like hours until his smile was perfected (as much as it could be, that is), and now he was ready to start his day. At least, as ready as he could be when he could hardly breathe (everything was so heavy).

With a deep inhale and soft exhale the blond exited his dorm room, plastering his perfected smile on his face. Apparently, he hadn't realized how much time had passed because there were quite a few of his classmates in the commons, signaling it was later in the morning.

"Morning dude!"

Kirishima, one of Denkis best friends greeted the blond. He gave a bright smile and a wave in return, muttering a soft 'good morning' back. They started small talk, sharing random things mindlessly as they prepared food for themselves.

Well, at least Kiri was preparing food for himself. Denki was too... whatever he was feeling to eat. Everything was heavy and achy and he really didn't feel like eating.

So he wouldn't.

((heyyo! if you guys liked this part, i might make a second! i'll probably make a second part either way tbh, this was nice to write. it's currently unedited because it's late here and i don't really wanna edit it right now. it's also kinda stopped at an weird spot, but don't worry i'll continue it tomorrow! thanks for reading and stay safe!))