I'm In Trouble Deep

Tired Of Fighting

Danny's hand stopped rubbing her back. He felt as though someone knocked the wind out of him. Linda actually wanted to murder their baby? He got off the bed, not sure how to process this. He should tell her no, tell her she was wrong, tell her it was a sin. He wanted to tell her so much, but only a small, strained "oh" came out.

Linda stood up, tears streaming down her face. "Talk me out of it! Please! Talk me out of it."

He turned around, "so you want the baby?"

"No."

"But you just said you wanted to be talked out of an abortion."

"I do!"

"Linda, you're not making sense."

"I don't want to lose the baby!" She almost screamed, sinking to her knees and clutching her stomach. "I don't want-"

Danny kneeled in front of her, holding her tightly.

"I don't want the baby because I don't want to lose it. I don't want.... Danny, you have no idea how scary it was. Waiting for Ella to breathe, to cry, to move. And she didn't. She did nothing. She was dead in the womb- in my womb! And that's all my fault!" Linda hid her head in her arms, resting on her raised knees. Quietly, she whispered, "I don't want this baby to suffer the same fate."

Danny didn't know what to say to that. She was right- he didn't know what it was like to wait for a new born baby to breathe. Thanks to a nasty gun shot wound, he had been in surgery when Linda went into an early labor. "It'll be fine-"

"How can you say that?" She stood up quickly- too quickly as she fell down, smacking her elbow on the bench at the end of the bed.

Danny was quickly by her side, an arm around her. "You okay?"

She nodded. "Stood too quickly."

"Has that happened before?" He helped her stand, and held onto her until he knew she was steady.

She nodded, walking from him. "It usually happens on my period. Not enough iron."

"You should maybe get iron pills. Since we know you're anemic, it might be good for you and... the baby?"

Linda shook her head, walking into the en-suite. She closed and locked the door behind her, wishing it never happened. She looked at herself in the full length mirror, lifting her shirt. She stood sideways, her hand rubbing her flat stomach.

"I wish I wasn't pregnant," Linda whispered, tears falling again.

*********

At Mary's and Danny's persistence (and her own medical mind), Linda made an appointment with her obgyn. She didn't want anyone to come along, so she sat in the waiting room by herself. She was super aware of her heartbeat, which she hated. The music, which was a calming instrumental of a pop song, wasn't helping her either.

"Linda Reagan?"

She blew out a breath and grabbed her purse. She followed the nurse to the back room, and sat down on the examination bed. Just being in the building again was bringing tears to her eyes.

"Linda," the doctor, Abigail, smiled as she came in after knocking. "It's nice to see you. Here to discuss better birth control options?"

"No, uh... I stopped taking birth control about a year ago. Didn't renew the prescription, and my husband wanted a baby, so I'm not on it anymore."

"Are your periods better?"

Linda scoffed, "no."

"What brings you here today?"

"I'm... I think I might be pregnant."

Abigail smiled, "what makes you think that?"

"Missed period and a home pregnancy test. Danny thinks I should have a real test done."

"But you don't think so?"

Linda was about to tell the truth, but she said, "no, I think so."

"Okay. When was your last period?"

Linda thought back. It's almost March, so... "Uh, January. Twenty ninth." She remembered that because it was Frank's birthday, and she had a miserable time due to cramps and headaches.

"Technically, since it's the 25th, you're not passed due yet. If you'd like, I can do some tests, but I'd say wait two weeks after your period's due."

Linda didn't like that answer. She needed to know now. "Um, no. I'll come back."

"Okay. You can make an appointment at the front desk."

*********

"What did the doctor say?" Danny wondered that night as they climbed into bed.

"That I have to wait. It hasn't been a month since my last period, so I have to wait. But if she had actually read my file, she'd know without birth control, my periods are irregular as f***."

"You must be pissed. You never use the f-word."

"Of course I'm pissed!" She talked with her hands. "I don't want this damn baby- I don't even know if I have a damn baby inside me... and she wants to torture me further by making me wait?"

Danny sighed, reigning in his anger. "How long does she want you to wait?"

"She wants to wait till the end of February, then wait two more weeks. By then, I'll be like eight weeks!"

"Linda...." he took her hand, not looking her in the eyes at first. "I need to know. Do you really not want-"

"Yes, dammit! I don't want it." She got out of bed, throwing the covers off her. Storming to the en-suite, she held in the tears and slammed the door.

Danny cursed at himself. He thought she'd be happy with another baby. Hadn't she told him she wanted one? Didn't she get off birth control because she wanted one? He got up and stood outside the door. "Okay. Okay. Fine. You don't want the baby? Fine. Get rid of it. Go somewhere else and get it the hell outta your body."

He jumped back when the door was yanked open. There stood Linda, tears tracks on her cheeks; but instead of an expression of sorrow or sadness, she wore one of pure anger.

"How dare you? How dare you talk to me like that?! Do you think I'm enjoying this? Do you think I actually like debating with myself whether or not to keep the baby? How dare you be sarcastic like that?" She aimed at his chest, but accidentally punched his solar plexus. She ignored the coughing from behind her.

"Linda-"

"You don't tell me what I can and cannot do. This is my choice!"

"We're married, Linda! Last I checked, that meant a fifty-fifty partnership. You're right- in the end, it's your decision. But I'm sure as hell going to try to convince you to keep this baby. You don't get to decide to get rid of it without talking to me."

"It's my body!"

"We're man and wife- we are as one, and you know that!"

"Shut up! Just... shut up! I don't have to listen to this crap." She snatched her robe from the bench and slammed the bedroom door behind her.