I stared at my computer in complete bewilderment. I had four unread emails from Eric in my inbox. I had just checked my messages before coming to work and the moment I opened my email at my desk, I had more messages waiting for me. I shifted in my chair debating whether I would open them or just permanently delete them. I figured they would be of similar nature to the other messages he had sent me. Eric and I hadn't spoken in nearly two weeks, since he had taken me home after Charlie's anniversary party. It was very abnormal for Eric to be the one sending me numerous messages. I had become the obsessive one in our construed relationship while he seemed to feel no urgency at all to contact me. He claimed before that it wasn't a matter of whether he wanted to talk to me, he was just never able to. Everything had shifted drastically between us. Now I had countless messages from Eric. At first they were very casual, just wondering how I was doing and proposing when we could see each other again, but after a few days had passed without any sort of communication between us, the tone of his voice and messages had become much more panicked. Now I was receiving long novels begging me to talk to him. I was constantly fighting with my self control because I wanted to talk to Eric. I hated that the reason we weren't talking was because of me. But I knew if I talked to him I would want to see him too, and if I stood in front of him I wasn't sure I would be able to keep a level head. And I could not withstand hurting Charlie anymore than I already had, whether he was aware of it or not. I would eventually tell him the complete truth and I knew that would be devastating enough. And I refused to admit to him that I also slept with Eric after sleeping with him. That was far too much cruelty to inflict on such an amazing man.
Charlie had done an excellent job at sweeping me off my feet. He was so thoughtful and kind, I was still in disbelief that he wanted to be with me. We weren't technically exclusive but I didn't feel the need to label our relationship. It was obvious from Charlie's behavior that he wanted me alone, I didn't need him to confirm it by formally asking me to be his girlfriend. I felt that I was finally in a mature relationship. I knew exactly where we stood. There were absolutely no gray areas between us. I jumped when my computer pinged. I glanced around to my neighboring cubicles to assure that no one had seen me jump like a fool before looking at my screen. It was another message from Eric. I sighed before hesitantly clicking the tiny envelope. I snapped my eyes closed as the message appeared on my screen. I knew Eric was hurting and that would be my ultimate weakness. Eric had such a way with words that I knew I would feel everything he wrote and if he asked to see me, I knew I would agree to it. I took a deep breath before opening my eyes, one at a time.
Please Ella. Please say something to me. If you want this to be over then please at least say it to me in person. I know I don't deserve that, but please just say it. I LOVE YOU Ella, if I'm absolutely certain of one thing, it's that I truly love you. I can't stand not talking to you. Now I understand how you must have felt those several times I left you in the dark, you are so much stronger than me. Please let me see you.
Tears were welling in my eyes as I finished reading. These were the words of a desperate and hurting man. I quickly wiped the tears away and stood up from my desk, I suddenly felt like the walls of my cubicle were enclosing me. I minimized the message and turned off my monitor before swiftly walking towards the exit. The receptionist Danielle stood up abruptly when she heard my quick footsteps. I avoided her wide eyes and wiped the fresh tears that had formed in mine. I couldn't breathe, my head was pounding, my stomach was in knots. Reality was finally starting to overwhelm me and I couldn't handle it.
I sped towards the elevator and pressed the call button repeatedly. I needed fresh air. I needed to see daylight. The dark mahogany walls were depressing me. The elevator climbed slowly to the eleventh floor I was on and I thought I would collapse while I waited. This entire time I had been so fearful of hurting Charlie that I had completely cut off Eric without a single word to explain why. Despite our complicated relationship Eric did deserve better than what I had done to him. The doors finally opened and I nearly jumped inside the elevator. I bounced on my heels as the cab descended to the main lobby. Eric's words repeated continuously in my mind. His voice would drive me to madness. I wished I hadn't read the damn message. If I had just left it alone I was sure I could have been happy with Charlie. And now I was right back where I had started and I hadn't even seen Eric.
