My hands shook violently at my sides as I rode the elevator up to Charlie's apartment. His doorman Bill smiled at me as usual, clearly unaware of the ending of mine and Charlie's relationship. My palms felt clammy, my heart thrummed inside my chest. I had never been so nervous before. I was truly afraid of losing Charlie forever, though I was deserving of it. I didn't deserve to keep his love after how badly I had betrayed him. I wouldn't forgive myself for not being honest with him from the beginning, maybe we could have had a chance if I had been, I would never know now. My fist shook as I raised it to Charlie's front door. I stupidly expected it to be open for me, I had grown accustomed to it being open and its closure now hurt me so much more than it should have. I wiped the warm tears from my eyes as I felt footsteps approaching the front door. Charlie groaned when he opened the door but he didn't slam it in my face. I was surprised. I meekly followed him into the kitchen. He picked up his nearly empty rocks glass and finished its contents. He poured another glass of whiskey from the bottle at his bar.
"Charlie, please, let me— "
"Explain? Explain what Ella? That you've been fucking my best friend behind my back? All this time? Did you ever have any intention of being with me? Of really being with me? Or was I just your consolation prize?"
Charlie was mumbling loudly; I could hardly understand his words but what I could certainly understand was how devastated he seemed. I had completely crushed him. This man didn't deserve this pain.
"I am so sorry Charlie. I know that's not enough; I know it will never be enough. I really do love you. I really want to be in New York with you. I want a life with you."
"But if you could have him, would you still choose me? Would you still choose a life with me?"
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I stared at Charlie, drunken tears had welled in his eyes. I wanted to refute his fears, I wanted to say I would choose him, but I still wasn't sure.
"Your hesitation is enough, goodbye Ella, good luck with him. Be sure to send me an invite to the
wedding." Charlie sneered sharply.
I didn't want to leave. I didn't want these spiteful words to be the last ones we ever spoke to each other. I wanted to stay here with Charlie and talk all night, or for as long as it took, to convince him to forgive me. I knew we didn't have that kind of time. I knew this had to be the end for us. This was the end I had foreseen all along. I knew I was going to hurt Charlie in the end but I still wanted to leap off his balcony anyways.
"I'm sorry Charlie. I'm so sorry."
Charlie took another swig of his drink but didn't look up at me again as I walked out his front door. As his door closed behind me I dropped to my knees and burst into tears. I had tried to hold it inside so I could get through my words but now it was flowing through me like a flood. I kept seeing his broken face in my mind, how could I do this to him? I wanted to bust through his front door and grovel at his knees for forgiveness but my hand wouldn't grasp the doorknob. My hand hovered as if someone was holding me back. I couldn't do it.
Eric...
I stared down at my phone and back up at the numbers nailed to the quaint house in the seemingly quiet downtown Portland neighborhood. The front porch was bare and there were only a few lights on inside. Had it not been for his beautiful, spotless black Camaro in the driveway I'd be unsure if anyone was home. I took several deep breaths before exiting my car. I knew what knocking on this front door would mean. I knew when I knocked on Charlie's front door it would be the end of our relationship and I knew knocking on Eric's front door could mean something brand new was beginning. My feet felt weighted as I walked up the short walkway to his front door. This house wasn't nearly as grand as the house Eric had been living in just this morning but I hoped he wouldn't resent what he traded his former home for; for me. My knocks felt so quiet and timid I wasn't sure if Eric would even hear them, but sure enough I heard quick footsteps walking towards the front door. Eric's smile was impossibly beautiful when he saw me standing on the other side of his door.
