I apologize in advance for being annoying and idk
I'm my own doctor and patient
I managed to stabilize myself a week ago
but today I had horrible realizations
And I can feel myself falling back into the place I worked so hard to get out of I realized every little thing I did to stabilize myself for my friend cuz I thought I meant a lot to her and I did every little thing to help and be some form of comfort to her and I obviously couldn't tell her what was going on cuz she is going through a lot and my situation did not matter but turns out.
She said "no one has ever helped me before"
And that just hit, broke, and tore smt in me
Cuz everything I did for her to try and help her feel better and be some form of help was all for nothing
I never meant anything to her
I thought I'd helped her before but I didn't
And suddenly my will to live my reasonings to move forward that she was a part of
Just dissapeared
And now I mean nothing to no one
I just-
I want to be important to someone
I want to mean something to someone
But I guess I'm just nothing
Simply a void all over again
Anyways...
Mid September I stopped feeling anything.
I guess I've been thru so much that I just broke
I stopped feeling butterflies and skippy heart beats around 3 years ago too
And how my brain works now is that.
I know I'm invalid I do not matter I am an invalid person I never mattered I never fucking mattered my feelings dont fucking matter my situation doesn't fucking matter
I do not fucking matter
Whenever I'm complimented it just goes in one ear out the other
I never hear it
But ofc I say ty to not be rude
And all the things I went through all the trauma I've experienced and since March I've been extremely touch starved and deprived of love
I now know and fully accept that
I will neve be able to experience love or feel love
And I won't have many friends
I don't deserve it either cuz of my past
So I really dont have a reason to live
I can't end it either cuz I'll go to hell
And if I runaway I wont have anywhere to go
Yea kind depressing I apologize for wasting ur time reading this crap
YOU ARE READING
(DISSCONTINUED)his cancer
Fanfiction(The end never happened at all) A Norwegian man looking at death, and to add to it, lung cancer and more pain to bring along with him. A man who will never tell his three friends about it for unknown reasons, This cancerous killer is caused by smok...
