A Love Story Like No Other

Part 8: I'm only me when I'm with you

Listen to 'I'm only me when I'm with you' whilst/before/after reading this

Taylor's POV - a couple of months later

Joe and I have been actively trying to start a family for a couple of months now, and I've yet to have a positive pregnancy test so we've decided to go to the doctor's today just to be sure nothing is wrong. I am quite worried about what is going to happen today, but at least Joe will be with me every step of the way, guiding me through everything. Though, I think he is secretly quite worried too because he wants to start a family just as much as me and we would both be heartbroken if we couldn't for some reason.

We are now at the doctor's at it's becoming very real. Lots of women go through fertility problems, but you never think it will be you until you're in this kind of situation. As I walk into the examining room, I get this horrible pit in my stomach that I can't shake. The nurse then goes through general procedure and takes all the various results to be examined. When she leaves the room, I can't help but breakdown. I've not even found anything out yet and I'm already in a state - I hope to God everything is ok because I don't know what I'm gonna do if it's not.

Joe walks over takes me in his arms, and rubs my back. 'Hey, baby, it's gonna be ok. Whatever happens, we're gonna be ok. There's so many options if this doesn't go the way we hope. I know, this is not what we planned but lots of things that have happened to us didn't go as planned and look, here we are, married and still so deeply in love, yeah?' Joe says trying to soothe me. I suppose he's not wrong but it seems nothing can ever go right for me - well except for Joe that is. That went right - I mean don't get me wrong, there were many times when I thought it wasn't going to end well for us but then it did. I look up at him, smile and stare into those dreamy, ocean blue eyes. 'That's what I like to see,' he says and I let out a small laugh. I cannot imagine how women go through this alone. I don't know what I'd do without Joe in this situation - cry lots, that's probably what.

After what feels like an eternity the nurse, Nurse Hastings, walks back in. She has this grave look on her face, a look I've never seen in my life and one I never hope to see again.

'Ok, Taylor, I want you to hear me out before you freak out, ok?' Nurse Hastings has know me for quite a long time, so she knows what I'm like - I presume the worst before anything has even been discussed. I nod slightly and she begins.

'It's not looking good if I'm honest. I'm going to try and explain it you the best I can. Basically, you have averagely less good eggs than most woman do meaning fertilisation will happen a lot less than it will for other women and if it were to happen, you'd be more likely to miscarriage due to the quality of your eggs. I know this is quite hard to understand but just let me explain the options and then you can ask me any questions you have. First of all, you could try IVF as I think that could be something that would work. Though it can be quite time consuming and it's often very expensive, it's definitely something we can look into. You could also consider the possibility of a surrogate. There's also adoption. I know this isn't what you pictured, it's not what any woman in your situation would picture but there is ways to get around this, I promise you.'

I try to take this all in - it's quite a lot of information to understand for someone who knows nothing about this kind of thing.

'What is the chance that I would conceive naturally?' I ask, still clinging onto the hope that this would all work out for me easily. Hesitantly, she tells me it is 'one in a million'.

One in a million - that makes it virtually impossible. I mean I knew it was unlikely but by God I didn't think it was that unlikely. I look over to Joe as she says this and I can tell his heart just breaks, shatters into a million pieces. We so wanted a family, and I know it's not impossible because of things like IVF but it's not going to be easy by any stretch of the imagination.

We start talking about out options. I am adamant I don't want a surrogate- I think it's amazing that these women give up their bodies to other women but I just don't think I could watch someone else carry our baby. Adoption is also out of the picture for now - it's definitely something Joe and I considered for the future but as of now it's just not our first option. So it's seems our only viable option is IVF. I'm not against it, and I'm really willing to try it but I know it's not going to be an easy journey, especially not for me. Though, as it's our only option we start talking through how it would all work and the practicalities of it all. Knowing everything, all the needles, all the doctors appointments, all the time I'm going to have invest in this, I still ultimately decide I want to try. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work but at least I can say I tried. Joe agrees with me this is the best option so we book an appointment with Nurse Hastings next week to start the whole process.

The car ride home is quiet. We don't really know what to say to each other I suppose. Dinner is the same kind of quiet. Joe doesn't really know how to approach this with me and to be fair, I don't really know how to approach it with him. We walk over to the sofa together and I sit down and cuddle up to him.

'Taylor,' he begins, 'it's gonna be ok, you know. It's not going to be easy or quick or fun, it's going to be difficult, that's just the fact of the matter. But it's going to be ok, because I'm here with you and I promise to never leave your side. Even on our darkest days when it seems we're never going to get anywhere, I promise I'll be there, holding your hand, supporting you through it all.' Joe knows the right thing to say in every situation. That's why I love him so much. Even in my darkest hour he can show me the light.

'I'm only me when I'm with you,' he tells me and I can't help but laugh. I wrote that song years ago now, but it means so much more to me know that it did then. He's not wrong, we're only really, truly us, when we're together.

I found time to write this part a lot sooner than I thought I would, I hope you like it!! We've just hit 550 views 😀. I can't thank you all enough for reading this book. Don't for get to vote and comment! Did you like this chapter? I know it's quite a sad one but I hope you enjoyed it all the same.