Dream Log

Dreams to Reality

Grief is the price we pay for love. - Queen Elizabeth II ✨✨✨

It is no longer a pleasure to wake up anymore.

I am discombobulated, frenzied, overwhelmed, and clueless. I ask the Lord to guide my steps, but I am still roaming aimlessly. I want the easy way out. If God could tell me each and everything he wanted me to do, then maybe I might feel satisfied. At least then I know for sure I am doing this thing called "life" right.

My dreams used to be an escape for me, but now that I have peeled back the curtain, I can see that that is not the case. After a stressful day, I loved to "recharge" with a nap or deep sleep. Finally, I could melt into a world that was not this. Whatever the hell this shit is supposed to be.

For once I could live my life carelessly, comforted in the fact that "this is all a dream." Sure I felt emotion and everything I normally expereinced in real life, but it was not as intense. It did not hurt as much. It was not real. Our dreams must surely mean something though right? Why else would we have the ability to dream? Why do we have these gifts and insights, with absolutely no direct or education on what these phenomena mean? Frustrating to say the least.

Dreams were once an adventure. Full of endless possibilities. I have lived many different lives through my dreams. I often wonder, why me? Is this a gift? If so, it really sucks at times. The older I get, the more I realize I am not your average Joe. The way I think and feel is super intense. At times it is amazing, but others, it is all too much.

People are often amazed that I could recall most of my dreams with great details. I dream every night, but I do not remember every dream or detail. However, the fact that I dream so often and vividly is out of the norm. To society anyway. If you ask me, everyone else is out of the norm. To me, this is my normal.

This gift/curse falls right in line with my deep imagination. I did not know that such deep thinking and feelings would ultimately make me sick. I absorb so much from my external environment. It is draining.

I have always been the caring soul. Never quite focused on myself. The feelings of others is what drives me. I feel like absolute shit when others are struggling of suffering. I know how that shit feels. I do not wish uncomfortable feelings on my worst enemy. Coming from someone who experiences everything so intensely, I know emotions are hell.

The dream I had last night had many components to it, but only one part of the dream I recall. Lately my anxiety and depression has been screwed up. It is trickling into my dreams now. One of my many triggers, is the fear of death. I fear my own death and I fear the death of my loved ones equally.

During this dream I was at the top of this tall water park ride. It had to be as tall at the Eiffel tower at best. This adventurous girl I remember from middle school took the first plunge. I watched in fear, as I knew my turn was next. I realized I had no safety gear, no safety personnel, and no courage. I was stuck. I was way to high to just climb down. I had to accept the fact that I had to jump.

I was so damn scared. After freaking out. It was clear to me that I had no choice but to accept death and let go and jump. So I closed my eyes and leaped. Unfornately and fortunately, my dreams do not let me see what happens after I die. I read an article before that says the reason we do not expereince death in dreams is because we have no recollection of what death actually is.

Yet another trigger of mines. What happens after death? What is death like? I remember my grand mother on my father's side scarred me for life at the age of 12. She has no idea how bad she has fucked me up. My grandmother is a Jehovah's Witness. As a witness it is her duty to spread the "truth". One day she sat and asked me if I knew what would happen to the world. I was religious, but not a practicing Christian. I had enough knowledge about the process of life.