Chapter 4:
“But before you do anything, ask God for guidance,”’-1Kings 22:4
They say being a teenager is the most exciting one. Is it? This phase of an individual is for me the most crucial and difficult one as it will grow forever in you. You will barely remember your childhood but not your teen age life. My dad was a silent yet strict one in the family while my mother is more on supporter, I have an older sister but it was like five or six years’ age gap so it has difficulties in openness. When I entered this phase I was still walking in eggshell of my faith. And it’s the difficult time of my life as it was like mold me to what I am now. Teenage some enjoy it, take pleasure on it, freedom, more on being fun and exciting but it is the most exhausting and depressing part of my life. I know that not everyone can have the same experience as mine but through these phases I’ve went through in life I became more anxious on how my faith will be.
I’m not yet in that part of not worrying my salvation as I already with God, I’m still cautious that anytime I will commit sin or something wrong. I have difficulty in socializing not just like my childhood days that I don’t have worries yet but now I worry on my look, my behavior, my skill and knowledge, my social state, my wholeness. As s teen my emotion also changes and as it was a difficult with our family as well a lot has change as well. My father is barely come home or take off at work to save more money as my sister also going to college, my mother need to do sidelines taking care of children that’s not even her while me as her child is being alone in the house eating breakfast, lunch and dinner. I thought its fine but at my first teen years’ stage but as I got older I’m starting to have these emotion towards on them. I’m starting to distance myself, have trouble on my father, getting jealous as my mom has less time with me or annoyed that my sister won’t play with me. A lot has changes when I entered this stage of life of mine.
Teens has supposed to be friendly and get out with friend but for me it’s not. I only have two loyal friends and some two faced friends. I am blind and emotionless towards this phase. How do I say so? I was bullied so I became one as well. When I felt hatred and bullying, it’s what I bring and gave to others as well. When I see others relaxing in the corner, chatting, flirting, laughing I got jealous sometimes. I became a popular topic in the middle school(teen age years), I look like a thief stealing the ranks in class, popularity that everyone wants either because of my face and look or because I’m quite popular to boys, I have an undeniably terrible anger issues, I’m silent at times but noisy on some part, when others think that I’m rising or top on them they all these ridiculous things even terrible stories to bring me down. Because of wrong judgment and bullying I became a bipolar person. I loss myself in my first year already so how worst I am to be in that place for four years right?
I am pressured to do better as I became a teen. I need to do well in school, in home, in church, in friend, in others but sometimes I’m just tired of it. I’m being mistaken in a lot of ways and I’ve been hurt so many time because of it. Some we’re called me “dragonesa” as like a dragon I really get pissed hard when I’m angry, I cried a lot when I’m hurt but more on silently when no one can see, I left every hatred inside me and don’t even think an letting it out, I build personalities that protected me all throughout. I became more anxious in my faith it’s like my way is breaking, I never thought that what happened here in my teen age will affect greatly my adulthood.
I don’t blame my family for as I know their doing their best maybe I just felt that I’m being abandoned in some ways. I don’t blame my friends for keeping two face as I know I’m at fault for being like these as well, I don’t blame the world as it was my choices that made me a difficult person, I don’t blame my faith as it was the only thing that I keep on holding and an only way that can control me at times, I don’t blame God for putting so much weight on my shoulder when I’m still young and supposed to be enjoying, it was myself I blame for living this way. I suffered humiliation, failure, rejection, betrayal, abandonment, etc. even the most unexpected things that you may think just don’t go too far (laugh out loud). No matter in what aspect either love, academic, friendship, family, spiritual or even my personal it greatly affected by my teen age years. I will give particular story of mine, when I’m staring to date someone wherein I need to hide it from everyone even my friends wont doubt me as they say secrets can tell to friends than family member but for me I keep it by myself. It was the first time and it was a happy one. My first love respect me, accepted me for who I am, comfort me, listen to me, but we ended quickly our relationship as I don’t think I prioritize love that time. But when I think that I can do both a lot came the way people try to turn their backs on me, betray me, talking at my back when I’m not looking, a lot of things that very unacceptable to me because i felt unfair and being judge for not who I am.
Forgiveness and acceptance became difficult for me. I suffered a lot without being notice by others. I have a very tight personality, I barely talk my feelings to others but when at times I explode and just let it out. No matter how difficult to be deaf and blind when I’m with other though they talk bad behind my back I hold it a lot trying to cope up my loneliness and for being alone, I tried alcohol when I’m frustrated or being coward that I can’t voice out what I feel, I’m taken advantage and harass beside the feeling of being dirty and guilt I felt useless and hopeless as well, try to be strong and brave by cursing or fighting to others (I can even punch a boy if I want to),my faith has shaken a lot and it was out of control. Thinking how lonely and dark it is, it gives pain and brokenness to me. When I taught that after I graduate I need to fully prepared and well determined that I won’t allow those anymore in my life. Personalities that will protect me and strengthen me that’s what I did.
At church we always prayed or being prayed before classes but every time we do that instead of praying for protection or material things I ask God to provide me a self that will be enough to pass and to survive. When I make decisions in life I ask guidance and yet won’t recognize the answer. I prayed for healing but maybe it took me some time to let go. The world became a scary place for me even my faith. Getting excited to finally exiting to middle school but still my faith being tested when I entered college. As I have this difficult relationship with my father I want to try to mend and build a stronger bond for the both of us but it didn’t become the way I wanted to. I was stress out and pressured that I barely mind taking care myself. I became a machine and my emotion in unstable and I stopped. It was a depressing moment and unacceptable one for me but that time I find more peace as I became more active in church even if were all wondered what cause my to feel sick that even doctors can’t tell nor “albolaryo”or traditional medications. I thought my faith has built a strong foundation that time. I have more time to be with my mom as she is the one took care of me, more bonding time with my sister, I felt happy though I stopped schooling that time. And when I thought I’m ready I didn’t know that I’ll be suffering panic attacks, when I felt uncomfortable,scared,pressured,any big and hard emotions cause or triggering me. I shake a lot and my body will feel numbness and slowing down my breathing.
I plan to start a new life again that I thought I’m okay and doing well but it’s not. I’m only eighteen when I tried to commit suicide but it was like fighting with God that time, wall became soft, knives became soft, he didn’t allow every suicide attempts that I made he fight for me, for my soul, it was like a very emotional part inside me that today I’m very grateful of. My wounds remained in me but it was God that healed and continue healing me till today. It became darker as I already obsess with pain that I can no longer distinguish and felt it. I live as if I am made to hate, unaccepted, played, to laugh at. Even my college days I have difficult in making friends and knowing others as beside my anger issues I also have trust issues as well. I don’t really trust others. I studied like a bookworm, I played and tried new things with friends, met new people but still cautious. Keeping distance to others became my way of living. And luckily graduated with honor. Grateful to have people who continued on supporting me and supported me all the way.
I may face the darkest place that a teenager can experienced, but it was my faith gave me strength to surpass everything. I always remember His promise at Hebrews 13:5 ..”to never leave us or forsake us. “He gave as assurance and peace as He is the safest place to be. As I let go of the teenage years I realized that “life is a battle of survival”.
