Close your eyes, fly

Between Us

I can't sleep, I'm in a hotel room the night before a competition and I can't sleep, and I miss him. I miss his arms around me and I miss his voice, I miss his existence.

I don't know why I can't sleep, I mean I think I slept the first couple of hours, but now I'm stuck in a loop of thoughts. It not about the competition though, I'm not quite nervous about it. I think it the bed, or, I don't know, I have no idea about why I can't sleep.

We have a break in school, it's nice but it's over soon. School is killing me by the way, bit by bit, piece by piece. Not the homework or the classes or tests, but the people and the environment. I'm not that comfortable in school, I always have to put so much thought in not caring about everything that distracts me so that I get distracted by that instead. It's funny, no one thinks that I have a problem with school, I've got great grades and I'm always doing well on tests, but mentally, school is hell.

I'm very sensitive to sounds, and as you may know, school is full of sounds. I feel like I miss a safe place at school, or overall, just a place where I could feel like I belong.
I've never felt like I belong in school, I've had some trouble with friends and even though I do have friends now, I don't feel like I fit in. It's like, yeah I've got friends, but we're not in the same state of mind. It's weird.

Anyways, at the moment I feel like I need him, more than ever. I haven't met him for awhile and I really do miss him.
What happened between us wasn't something, bet it still was, I mean those touches and hugs and feelings can't have been nothing.

In the spring and the beginning of summer break we hung out quite a lot, we had such a good time and I really like spending time with him. It's not like we became a couple over the summer or something it was kinda more of a one or two times thing.
It's not like anything happened, we didn't do anything that we shouldn't have done, so technically it's not wrong.
But he did hug me, he did let his hands wander over my body, he did hug me for really long, like we spent like half an hour just hugging. We didn't kiss though, even if it was close, like I almost think that our lips touched unintentionally.
So it's nothing wrong with all of this, if it wasn't for his girlfriend. I mean they are kinda long distance but it's still his girlfriend. I knew that he had a girlfriend, we talked about her a couple of times, but I mean it's not like he cheated on her, because nothing happened, right?
The thing is, he was the one that hugged me first, he was the one starting to cuddle, he was the one who touched me, not the other way around.

I don't know what to think about the situation, all I know now it's that I miss him, that I need him, at least as a friend 'cause he was always there for me when I needed him the most. I guess I gotta talk with him, I want to hang out with him again, I want to make him laugh, I want him to make me laugh, and I know that we can do it, together.