$ᴜɪᴄɪᴅᴇ ɢʀᴏᴜᴘɪᴇ // $ᴜɪᴄɪᴅᴇʙᴏʏ$

Chapter Nineteen

I got a little deeper glimpse into Ruby later on, courtesy of the pictures he showed me on his phone. Some random selfies, pictures from past tours, pictures with friends, and most of all, pictures of him smiling with his family.

I didn't think I had any family pictures in which I was smiling. In fact, I didn't think I had any family pictures at all. I didn't have the kind of life that was revealed in the particular picture Ruby was showing me now, where he was stood with his dad, mom, sister and brother on a beach somewhere.

In truth, the only person who had ever been fully kind to me was the one who was smiling at the world from those pictures.

Which was a bit too overwhelming a thought to be having on a tour bus on a Saturday morning, while wearing Ruby's giant T-shirt that had all four of the main characters from South Park on it. I felt like a skulking, pathetic fraud in Ruby's bunk, so I made my way out to the kitchen area.

I just shot out of his bed without a word, right when he was just about to put his phone in front of my face to show me another picture.

And of course he followed me immediately, to see why I had almost passed out standing up.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"This is all too much." I said, and for the first time in the entire length of our 'relationship' he looked almost grave.

Too much was happening with Ruby and Scrim. Hotel rooms, dinner date, shower, making love, talking about family...

It was obvious, so obvious. They both had feelings. And I knew I was incapable of reciprocating.

He thought for a moment, with a somber look on his face. "I just... I just don't understand why you always feel like..." He said, but he wasn't talking fast enough. He wasn't. I had to grind words out from between gritted teeth to make him go faster.

"Like what?" I demanded, which seemed to work.

He barked out something almost immediately after. "Ashamed! That's what you're always feeling for no reason - shame." Ruby raised his voice, and that summoned Scrim to come out of his bunk, to make matters worse.

And oh god, Ruby sounded so fierce when he said it, too. And he didn't stop there. I didn't think he even noticed that Scrim was now standing behind him, staring at me.

"I love you for exactly who you are. And I know you love me too, even if you never say it back to me, I fucking know you do." Then he rolled his eyes, but that just made things worse. Now my panic was like a tidal wave, and pretty soon it was going to crush me.

"I- No- Yes- I just..." I tried, but I wasn't really getting anywhere. I couldn't say yes and no at the same time, and the word just wasn't helping anything. Plus, I kind of wrung my hands afterwards, which was definitely the wrong thing to do.

It made his face sink, and then he said, "Don't use this as an excuse to run away."

I flicked my gaze up to him, and when I did I saw myself reflected in his eyes. Not strong and powerful at all, but nervy. Ready to bolt as a moment's notice, because apparently real life was just too damn hard for me.

It was an ugly image, and one I tried to refute.

"You think that's what I'm gonna do?"

"I know that's what you're gonna do."

It was bitterly unfair for him to say those things to me- but he was right. That was what I was planning to do, my mind was screaming at me to just leave, because that would be easier. Especially when my strongest urge was to blurt out, I love you. I love you too.