Raglak - In to the heart

21

Laksh holding her in his arms, Raagini... i know i did a lot of sins.
When i first saw you, my heart have this insecure feeling that i dont deserve you. You are soo pure and i am afraid to take such a big responsibility.

I always wanted to take decisions against my father, because my father never cared about what we needed instead he imposed decisions on us. I dont want a marriage at that time, no one from my friend group is not married and i want to live my life like a free bird for few years. He is forced you upon me and that is the another reason i rejected you.
I dont want you came to my house, where you will live again a life full of rules and restrictions. Then i saw swara, i saw how she is rebelling and how independend she is. To be honestly speaking, its not love... its an infactuation or more over a revenge that my mind portrayed to me as love.

In these past 5 years i thought why i chosed swara and i found the answer, because my father strictly forbid me from marrying a girl outside our cast, my mom never approve a girl who didnt follow the rules. Swara is both and her family is more attracted to me as it is as opposit that my father needed. On the otherside you are the perfect one what my family needed and i believed i am in love with that girl, but you know if i am really loved her how can i marry you? Whatever she did or not i will surely take time to forget whom i loved and moreover i will never marry a girl related to the one i love. I did all this ragini... why? You know why.... because i never loved swara and i realised it after a long time.
My biggest sin is whatever i done to revenge maheswaries i forgot to look at the girl who is broken.

When i married you, my conscience mocked me. Whenever i saw you, my insecurities increased, this unending guilt that i am using you for my own selfish reasons eaten me alive.

Then i saw how sanskaar and swara came with garland and said they are married, i am not hurt because swara married him, i am hurt that its always sanskaar who get whatever he want and at the end whatever mistake he do they will accept him.
He did a sin by acting mad, still he is forgiven that easily.

When your truth out, i hated you... no.. that is what i thought and it made your life this miserable, but the reality is something else. Now i know why i am angry, because my inner mind always blamed me for whatever you are. I destroyed an innocent girl and the guilty feeling never got over from my heart. Soo i made a wall around me and made a fake story where i want someone else to put all the blame. I think when my mind looked at everyone you are the one who i can easily blame...
I hate my self for whatever i did... i hate my self for giving you soo many insecurities.
Believe me ragini... in these past 5 years there is an unspokable longingness taken over me for you. There is not a day in my life passed without seeing your face in my dreams. When i walked through the road, countless times i saw you are walking to me from opposite side, yes i know its an illusion still i prayed that it will be real.
I want to return, but i am afraid... i am afraid of the realities i am going to face.

I am happy that i am a father. Yes i love dahlia and i want my daughter, but believe me ragini, that is not the reason why i need you...
I really love you, i am fallen for you the time when i first saw you it self, but my mind take over my heart only because of my family.
Believe me, i never in my life regretted for losing swara because there is no love in there between me and her. Why i left you at the mandap is a question i am asking for the past 5 years. Its my delusional mind which played with me, it made me someone that is not laksh.

The truth is, in this all chaos swara and sanskaar lost nothing and gained a lot.
You and me the only people who lost ourselves.... he tightened his grip on her.
I will never ever think that you are forced on me instead i am carving for you. I really need you ragini..
Ragini... i am in love with you, i am always loving you. I know you cant accept me that quickly, i will wait... i will wait my entire life for you. Because there is no laksh without ragini... his tears flowed...