TELL

Nightmares In Silence

I have survived. I am here. Confused, screwed up, but here. So, how can I find my way? Is there a chain saw of the soul, an ax I can take to my memories or fears? Every time I close my eyes I see the kind smile on Josh's face when he asked me if I wanted to talk privately with him. Of course, his smile changed when we got into the empty room and he locked the door.

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Us." Josh shrugged and walked over to the bed. He gave her a cheeky grin and patted the spot beside him.

"What us?" Maya chuckled sitting down on the bed next to him.

"Well I was just thinking since you and Lucas aren't getting together maybe we could do something?" He smirked.

Maya blinked in confusion. "Something like what?" She was caught off guard when Josh leaned over and kissed her.

I just want to sleep. A coma would be nice. Or amnesia. Anything, just to get rid of this, these thoughts, whispers in my mind. Did he rape my head, too?

"What are you doing?!" Maya yelled. Josh clamped his hand over her mouth so no one would hear her screaming.

There is a beast in my gut, I can hear it scraping away at the inside of my ribs. Even if I dump the memory, it will stay with me, staining me. My closet is a good thing, a quiet place that helps me hold these thoughts inside my head where no one can hear them. When I'm alone in my room I just go into my closet and sit on the floor, knees to my chest, hoping that the silence around me will just swallow me up until I cease to exist. I don't want to exist anymore.

IT happened. There is no avoiding it, no forgetting. No running away, or flying, or burying, or hiding.

I screamed, begged, pleaded, but nothing was heard. He didn't want to hear me and he didn't want anyone else to hear me either. When he put his hand over my mouth so I couldn't yell at him I felt scared and I knew it was real. It didn't feel real when he shoved me down on the bed. It didn't feel real when he got on top of me. I was foolish enough to think it was a game, that he might tickle me after we kissed. Foolish indeed. It wasn't a game. He was serious. He knew how much I liked him and took advantage of it. I thought nothing of it when he asked to talk alone. I thought nothing of it when we went up to the rooms together. I didn't even think about it when I heard the lock click, but now it echoes. It echoes in my brain daily and nightly. Click.. Click.. Click.. Reminding me that it was me. It was my fault because I trusted him. It was blind trust because I liked him. Blind.

I think about it all the time now, as if nothing else in my life matters anymore. I'm not a person with a soul and a heart, I'm a shell, an empty shell that was used and tossed aside. He used me to have his fun and then he left. He walked out of the room and left me there to get dressed to go home. He told me to clean up and get dressed so I don't miss the bus back.

I laid there for a while, half hoping that someone would walk into the room, see me laying on the bed half naked and rush to get a chaperone, preferably Mrs. Matthews, but that didn't happen. Eventually I was able to move so I went to the bathroom, then I changed my clothes, shoving the jeans he tainted to the bottom of my suitcase, before I left to catch the bus back home. I remember seeing Riley and Lucas happily chatting on the bus, Farkle was sitting with Zay instead of Smackle, I didn't know why but I was kind of glad. I took my seat next to Smackle, the only one who would let me sit quietly on the way home. I told her that I wonder how long it would take for anyone to notice if I just stopped talking and she didn't respond. That's when I decided I wasn't gonna talk anymore. I don't blame Smackle, it was Josh. When he covered my mouth he made me realize that screaming wouldn't help, and then Smackle's lack of response made me realize that the only way I could get everyone to hear me is if I never spoke to any of them again.

That's why I was surprised when Smackle approached me the other day and asked me if I was ever going to talk again. Apparently she didn't think I was serious about what I said on the bus ride home from the ski lodge.

"Are you really never going to speak again?" Smackle asked curiously.

I shrugged. "Wasn't planning on it."

Smackle blinked. "But you just did."

"Only to tell you that I don't want to, I know Riley can't accept that, but I was hoping that maybe you could."

I saw the wheels turning in her brain.

"I can only accept what I understand so if you tell me why then I will be able to understand better." She stated.

I sighed. I didn't want to tell anyone, but there wasn't much she could do if I did tell her so I opened my mouth wondering if anything would come out and if it would be what happened.

"It's private." I sighed. "Just between us, okay?" I felt my throat become dry. I wondered if I would tell her.

She nodded. "Understood."

I took a deep breath. "I was raped." I can't believe I said it out loud. "..by Josh." I even said his name. I told Smackle, but what would she say..

Smackle looked away from me, but then I felt her hand lightly touch my arm. I looked over and was surprised to see her eyes watering. "I'm not good with words, but take your time. Don't feel pressured to talk before you are ready." She muttered quietly.