Lost and Found

Kabanata 3

Kabanata 3

Still There

"Have you considered going to a therapy? Just to help you" Ani Emy.

Inannyayahan niya akong mamili ng mga bagong kagamitan sa pag pinta. It was a beautiful saturday afternoon and so I agreed.

Inangat ko ang tingin ko, "I'm not actually thinking about it" sabi ko at binalik ang tingin sa mga paint brushes.

"Are you sure? But, I hope you're not offended Aya, but don't you think it would be better if we seek professional help?" dagdag niya pa.

Satingin ko naman kasi sapat na ang suporta ng mga pamilya ko kaya hindi ko na naiisip ang mag patingin pa. My nightmares have stopped for awhile but there's still some that kept on coming back. My insecurities are not fully healed but I guess through time it will, I just don't want to rush things, just like what my Dad told me.

"I don't know Emy, I just, I don't know" I said hesitantly, "Maybe in the future I will but I can still handle everything on my own"

I picked up a familiar brand of paint brushes that I used all the time, the Princeton acrylic paint brush and placed it in the basket.

"Okay I'll stop bothering you na, but please consider it" anito, tinanguan ko naman siya.

"Anyway, my Mom was invited to an art exhibit next month, I was hoping maybe you can place some of your paintings in the event?" she asked

Binalingan ko siya, "What event?"

"Renaissance Art Gallery" sagot niya, "Mom was actually hoping for you to be there, you haven't held an art exhibit in quite some time. That's what you're known for Aya, your creativity, and the way you can transform emotions into art" she continued

"Art exhibit? What for?" He chuckled and continued eating his food. His laugh made me feel small and insecure.

"I'll display some of my paintings. It's something that I've done for the past years, It's my own charity event" Paliwanag ko. Napatingin ako sa pagkain ko at agad na nawalan ng gana. I gulped and tried to convince myself to finish the food, come on Hiraya, maraming bata ang nagugutom.

He paused. The silence made me uncomfortable and nervous. I took a sip of my drink to give moisture to my throat. Natigil ako nang nakita siyang punasan ang kanyang labi at tignan ako.

"No" Iling nito, "You're not going to do that event Hiraya"

"Why not?"

"There's so many scandals involving exhibits Aya, lalo na't charity pa ang balak mong gawin. Edi ang tingi ng mga tao, may gusto ka lang patunayan at estado lang ang hanap mo" anito "Don't you know? Big companies escape paying their taxes through foundations and charity events. Do you want that to stain your name?" umismid ito.

"I'm just telling you what's good for you Aya, I'm your boyfriend and I'm already involved with your life. So don't do something stupid that will involve my name" madiin nitong sinabi.

Hindi ko na napansin ang higpit ng hawak ko sa kubyertos. The words he said struck me like an arrow to a target. It pierced me inside that he thinks so low of me. I love him so much but It would also break me if I let him go.

"Hiraya. Ayos ka lang?"

Natauhan ako nang narinig ang boses ni Emy. Nilingon ko siya at pilit na ngumiti, "Oo.. Ayos lang" I paused, still gathering the right words to say, "I'll sign up my name on the event" sabi ko

Pero imbis na matuwa si Emy sa sinabi ko, nakita ko lang amg malungkot na ngiti nito. I know that look, and I hate it when someone pitty me.

Bumuntong hininga siya, "You don't have to do it just because I said so, you can say no Aya" anito at inayos ang ilang takas na buhok sa aking mukha, "He's not here anymore to order you around"

My insides felt warm because of what she said. Because of her assurance. "I'm fine Emy, I'll go. I also miss these kind of events. I'm moving forward remember?" I chuckled, and so did she.

She shrugged, "Good to know. I heard Binibini Magazine will cover the event and Cosmo too"

That same afternoon we went straight to the salon after I shopped for my art supplies. I bought quite a lot, including lots of new acrylic paint and canvases, so we went back to my car para wala na kaming dala dala.

The staff assisted us both inside, pinauna ko nalang muna si Emy dahil wala pa akong naiisip na babaguhin sa buhok ko. I sat on their lounge and grabbed a magazine to look for different styles. Before, I'd go with simple trimming of my hair but right now, I want something different.

I flipped through the pages and something caught my eye. In an instant, memories flashed within my eyes as I felt my hands shake nervously and my eyes blur because of my tears. My eyes were glued on the picture in the magazine, ni hindi ko iyon maisara sa pagkakagulat.

I stared at the man who caused me a lot of pain. He was smiling at the picture as he held a woman by his side. Bakit pa ba ako apektado? Taimtim kong pinagmasdan ang babaeng kasama niya. She is clearly the woman he wants me to be.

What I am feeling right now isn't jealousy. I'm hurting seeing him happy. Seeing him okay. How can he be so happy after what happened? Puno ng poot ang puso ko sa nangyari. Mukhang ako lang talaga ang pinaka naapektuhan ng nakaraan.

"Ma'am? Okay na po ba kayo?"

Natauhan ako nang marinig ang boses na iyon. I immediately closed the magazine and wiped the tears on my eye. Tinaas ko ang tingin ko at nginitian ang stylist, "Yep, I'm good"

Hindi naalis sa isipan ko ang nakita. I feel so bad for myself. After a year, I'm still scared. It never left me. It's still there. Kailan ba ito mawawala?