Lost and Found

Simula

"But, it's my passion" It almost became a whisper. Hindi na ako makahinga ng maayos sa sobrang bigat ng nararamdaman ko.

"But if you love me, you'll give up everything. Wala kang mapapala sa pangarap mo na 'yan Aya"

Biglaang pag dilat ang ginawa ko, hinihingal at pinagpapawisan. I dreamt of that day again. Hindi na ako nasanay sa bawat gabing pag bisita ng mga pangyayaring iyon. I feel trapped. I held the sheets of my bed tightly, feeling scared. Gumala ang paningin ko sa aking kwarto na parang may hinahanap. Bahagyang kumalma nang makitang wala ni isang tao ang nasa kwarto ko. I'm all alone and yet I'm still scared. I'm still haunted and traumatised.

I slowly sat up from my bed, my comforter fell down from my shoulders. Marahang hinilot ang sentido para maibsan ang sakit ng ulo na nararamdaman ko. I grabbed the telephone from the sidetable and dialed the number to the kitchen.

"Hello po" I heard Patch's high pitched voice. She's one of the helpers in our mansion.

"Padalhan naman ako ng maligamgam tubig dito sa kwarto ko"

"Sige po, paakyatin ko nalang po si Glenda diyan sa kwarto niyo" aniya at saka binaba ang tawag.

Binalik ko na din ang telepono at saka tinanggal ang comforter sa hita ko. Ibinaba ang paa ko at sinuot ang tsinelas. The straps of my nighties fell from my shoulder kaya inayos ko muna 'yun bago nag lakad papunta sa banyo.

I tied my hair in a pony tail before I wash my face. For a second, I stared myself in the mirror. Dark circles around my eyes, chapped lips and dry skin. I vaguely remember the last time I took care of myself. My fingers traced my jawline to my cheeks, this is not me. I completely forgot about myself. Because I tried so hard to please the person I once love.

Naalimpungatan ako nang may kumatok mula sa labas ng kwarto ko. The doorknob twisted as someone tried to open it. Niluwa nuon si Glenda na may hawak na tray. "Ma'am ito na po ang tubig niyo" anito

"Pakilagay nalang sa round table" sagot ko habang tinitignan siya mula sa salamin.

"Ma'am dalhin ko na din po ba ang almusal ninyo dito o sa dining room na po kayo kakain?" tanong nito

"Sa dining room ako kakain" sagot ko.

"Sige po, sabihan ko po sina Sir Robert at Madam Nieves" tukoy niya sa mga magulang ko.

It's been a long time since I dined with them. Kinulong ko ang sarili ko dito sa kwarto at nagmukmok. Looking at myself, it didn't do any good to me. Locking myself and crying made me look worst.

I slowly removed the straps of my nighties and let it fall to the ground leaving me in my underwear. I heaved a deep breath as I looked myself in the mirror. I shut my eyes tightly and breathed, "It's okay, Aya."

I opened my eyes once again. Naluluhang pinagmasdan ko ang sarili ko sa salamin. It disgusts me everytime I look at my stretch marks. Mabuti na nga lang at nawala na ang iba dahil sa treatment na ginagawa ko. Inangat ko ang kamay ko at hinawakan ang aking hinaharap. My boobs are not big unlike other models. And it was one of my biggest insecurities, ever since I was a child, I'd pray for bigger boobs.

I turned to my side and gazed at my behind. There's nothing wrong with the shape, they're quite big actually. But I hate looking at my stretch marks. I don't feel confident wearing swimsuits because of them. I feel like everyone will look at me and judge me when they see them. Some of the marks already faded, but they're still a lot.

"You can use some improvements in your body Aya. I know a good surgeon who can help you."

The words that he said to me kept on repeating inside my head. It's like, my mind has its own playlist of insults. It made me insecure. It made me scared and shy. Will he still love me if my boobs were bigger? Will he still be with me if my marks were gone? I always thought of different situations where I look different from what I look like. Maybe he will be happier. Maybe he will be proud of me.

I removed my underwear and stepped inside the shower room. I opened the faucet and let the water fill the bath tub. One year had passed but it still feels like everything happened yesterday. Ramdam ko pa rin yung sakit. Ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko at nilubog ang sarili sa tubig. I can only hear the sound of the water as it falls down the faucet. I stayed under until my chest hurts wanting for air. Nang hindi ko na nakayanan, agad akong umahon at mabilis ang pag hinga. Nakabukas ang aking bibig para makahinga ng maayos.

I pulled my legs together and wrapped them around my arms. I placed my head on my knees as I shivered. When will this end? My insecurities are slowly killing me day by day.

"I love you but you should do something about yourself."

I'm not sick. He just thinks that I should look better. Wala lang naman 'yun para sakin. Pero nang marinig ko iyon mula sa taong pinakamamahal ko, halos madurog ako. Hindi pa ba ako sapat? My parents always told me that I'm beautiful, but I stopped believing them. I started noticing imperfections in my body. Everything changed about me, I know that. I'm not as confident as before, I'm not proud of myself anymore. I'm not me. I'm not Hiraya Montebello anymore. I'm just, no one.

Bumaba na ako ng kwarto matapos kong maligo. I wore a simple shirt and jogging pants, my hair is also tied in a bun. Pumunta ako sa dining room at natagpuan ang mga magulang ko duon.

My Mom immediately turned her head to me and stood up when she saw me. Nag lakad siya papalapit saakin at niyakap ako ng mahigpit. "You're finally here." She whispered.

Humiwalay ako sa yakap. "Hindi naman ako nawala Mom, I'm just in my room." pagbibiro ko.

She gave a faint smile and caressed my face with her hand. "You were gone for too long anak. Hindi man pisikal, pero nawala ka"

I gave her a smile when I realized what she meant. Indeed I was gone. I'm not myself.

Tumikhim si Dad at kinuha ang atensyon namin. "Kumain na tayo bago pa lumamig ang pagkain" anito

Iginiya ako ni Mommy sa upuan na katabi ni Dad habang siya naman ay umupo sa harapan ko.

"Is there anything you'd like to eat anak?" si Dad

Umiling ako. "I'm fine with the food Dad" sabi ko

Maraming pagkain ang nakahain sa hapag. Bacon, Eggs, Fried rice, avocado toast, orange juice and cereals. Hindi ko naman makakain ito lahat.

Kukuha na sana ako ng pagkain nang hawakan ni Dad ang aking kamay. I turned to him and saw him smiling at me. He tapped the back of my hand and rubbed his thumb soothing me. "I'm glad to see you again anak"

Nawala ko ng masyadong matagal. And I promise to pick myself piece by piece and build the real me again. I was shattered to pieces by someone who wants to rebuild me into something I'm not. And I let him do so because I was blinded by love. I was blinded by loyalty that I refuse to open my eyes to see the truth.